Falling Thoughts

Such a beautiful morning.
Like that first one
Blue, blue sky
And bright, bright sun.
Small teasing breeze
Sifting through the trees
Children laughing, at play
Just as it was that day

That day before the loud
Shocking
Sickening sound
Of hate spilling over
The heart of our city
Wounding and killing
Evil without pity.

But this place
Defies that hate.
This place, like our city,
Is filled with love
And with pity,
Charity,
Mercy,
Peace.

It pours over you
As you walk
This quiet, lovely spot
Where once there was
Pain and destruction.
Finally I have the
Lovely image of this peace
Instead of the end of that
Ravaged building
In my mind.

I needed to see this,
Needed to actually walk here
To make peace with the sorrow
To no longer see
That ruined place
When I look up from the church cloister
So nearby.
Far too nearby.

Sleep well, dear beloved souls.
Dear little ones
Two of whom,
I knew their Aunt.
I still weep
Sometimes
For the potential lost.

This truly is the heart
Of this city,
Indeed,
Of the state.
The love poured out
On those who suffered loss
On those who came to help
On each other to see us through.
April 19,1995
Was the day I became an Oklahoman.

To See Changes
C.K. Armistead
9/24/16

I am still not adept
At reading subtle
Changes in the seasons
For I grew up without them.
Seasons, that is.
It is a new art for me
To pick out which details
I see and discern
What is to come
What I can learn
From the fact that
The south wind today
Is both warm and cool
The caterpillars I see
Are all
Well covered in  thick wool.
The pecan tree out back
Is generously throwing
Nuts around.
Which the squirrels are
Both eating
And hiding
With frenzied abandon.
The sycamore trees
Seem out to get me
Throwing pollen-laden
Ball bearing bombs
At me
To roll my ankle
And/or make me sneeze.
No leaves have turned as yet
No cool nights as yet have
Blessed us
But the calendar says
Fall has begun.

 Journal entry: Sept. 22, 2016

I stood this day upon sacred ground.
Ground where innocents were injured and killed
Where a community's innocence was lost.
I stood,remembering little ones I had never met,
but whose loss still made me weep.
I found the name of a friend on the Survivors list,
and offered a little prayer of thanks
That she survived,
That she is still here
To tell her story,
To be loved, to be my friend,
And my sister in Christ.
She, who stood with me at my Confirmation at St. Paul's,
Our church, just two blocks away.

The place is beautiful,
It is amazingly quiet
In spite of the city teeming all around it.
Every Sunday, and most Wednesdays for the past 21 years,
I have passed this place, spent time in its shadow,
In the shade of all that happened that day.
My church family survived a journey in the wilderness -
Worshiping in our parish hall for almost 2 years while our beautiful
Cathedral was rebuilt.
So much time has passed, but sometimes,
Especially when I walked into that sacred space of the Memorial,
It seems so fresh, I feel it all again.
There are children who have grown up, and new members of our church family, who do not remember that day, that time.
The horror, the hurt, the confusion is alien to them. The museum helps.  It makes that moring live again, gives visitors a sense of how ordinary the day was- 
Until 9:02 am, anyway, and how after that,
Nothing here was ever the same again,
Especially us.


My husband made his first visit to the Memorial today.  He hasn't been there since he worked as a volunteer with the contingent sent from Tinker AFB to help remove rubble.  I think he found some measure of peace with the fact that healing has happened in that place, that all the hands that came to help were appreciated and added to the love that surrounded our wounded heart that day, and in the weeks following.

This World Is Slowly Coming Undone

I cannot begin to understand this.  So many killed just because they happen to have dark skin?
And then, shooting police officers in the back, because of the previous shootings?
What is this? The wild west?
On top of this, the climate's gone bonkers, weather's all screwed up, and all our lawmakers can do is try to save the pocketbooks of big corporations, and argue about emails and other nonsense instead of doing something to see to it that ALL Americans have justice and the freedom to go about their lives without fear.

Yes, things are getting scary out there.  But really, they always have been.  We've just been forced to look at it more closely lately.  We DO need to change.  Hate, suspicion and violence cannot be permitted to continue.  We have to listen to each other, really listen, understand the fears on both sides, and yes, there are fears that the cynical play on to pit poor whites against blacks and other minorities.  Those fears are unfounded, but that matters not to the elite who profit from keeping folks divided.  We have got to start thinking about how others feel. People like me, who have had certain advantages that we pretty much took for granted, have to examine that and see where we need to be humble and grateful, and what we can do to ensure EVERYONE gets those advantages. There IS enough to go around, we just have to let go of greed, and we'll see it.  Easier said than done, I know.  All of it is.  Easy to say that we ought to change, hard as heck to do the work.  The work MUST be done.

In the midst of all this sorrow, anger, and soul-searching, I have been cleaning out my office.  Found some things that made me smile.  Valentine notes from coworkers, most precious, one from Melodie, who was taken from us by cancer a while back.  Old love letters from Matt.  Oh, my, did the boy ever have it BAD!  (So did I!) 32 years later, and we're still together...
I have cleaned out the file drawers, the closet, and most of my desk.  Reorganized the bookshelves, both in my office credenza and in the closet.  Looks a lot less like things are going to fall on me now. Everything on my weekend to do list is done, except the laundry.  I can do that tomorrow after church.  I got several limbs off the pecan tree yesterday, and Matt got the little electric chain saw going today to chop up the last of the big pieces so they'd fit in the trash.  The pecan tree is no longer rubbing the crepe myrtle, which is a good thing.  I got both yards mowed well before last night's rain hit, and the entirety of today, except for a walk, was spent sorting, cleaning, and tossing things in this office.  Whew.  Church and laundry are going to feel like a vacation!

I am blessed right now with an embarrassing number of wonderful fountain pens.  I guess I'll have to get busy and put more time in with those journals of mine!

There is also a story I've been working on for MONTHS, and I just might be able to coax it along to a finish before much longer.  (My proofreader is either going to love me or hate me.)

I have a birthday card or two to make tomorrow, as well as a budget to fuss, so it won't just be church and laundry.
Right now, however, it's National Pina Colada Day, so I'm going to make myself one, and sit here with my feet up enjoying it and reading fanfiction!  (It's how I relax!)
Until next time, be well, and be good to each other!

Ah, Procrastination

Ah, procrastination, my old friend.
I've come to waste time with you again.
Before the glow of a computer screen
I surf the backwaters of Facebook memes.
But the To Do list
That is rolling
Through my brain
Won't contain
It's impatience
With my task avoidance.

There are SO many things I SHOULD be doing right now.  Three more little activities to blog about for work, and I'll be done with that training program.  Just can't stick with it.  One last load of clothes to tumble in the dryer and then fold,  but I'm avoiding them.  Maybe seven birthday cards for fellow staffers to make, and one for family, and I'm puttin' it off again.
Just got a bad case of the Lazies these days.  Don't know why.  Not bummed out about anything really, not feeling ill or achy, just  "meh" about a lot of things.

Part of the procrastination is useful, it makes me think about things a bit more before I set off to do them.  My subconscious chews on things and comes up with new ideas when I'm not looking.
I have little chores like copying my last voice lesson off the digital recorder and onto the computer, and charging the recorder, and finding a copy of the piece Karen wants me to look at, and there are books I should be reading, but, boy, if I can just sit here and veg out.  I will.  I read fan fiction.  (Yes, a dirty little secret of fandom, some fans write, and others read.  Some of it is really good, some is abysmal. )  That is my mental chewing gum.  For my Mom, it was romance novels that she called "chewing gum for the brain."  For me, it's fanfics.
There is also Facebook and Twitter.  Facebook for more pictures, funny stories, catching up with family.  Twitter for news of the shows, stars, writers, etc. and some very special friends that I keep up with.

There are some ongoing annoyances as well.  The repair of the slow leak in the water line that continues (and costs us money both on water and on the sewer rate adjustment for the coming year) is still in limbo waiting to hear back about whether the bid from the plumber was accepted, and which plumber will do the work.  Also ongoing annoyance about getting an appointment for a check up at the clinic. Have to call them, NO appointments showing on the online calendar.

On other topics, I had the opportunity (or should I say I had no choice) to sing the descant on the anthem in church today all by myself.  The other first soprano was absent.  If I may say so, I think I did a pretty good job.  May have gone a little under on the last verse, but overall, not bad.  I don't know why, but singing at church by myself makes me a LOT more nervous than singing all by myself at recital does.  Maybe because most of my fellow choristers are better singers than I , and I feel self- conscious.  At recital, I'm usually one of the more advanced students.

This past week at work, I had to move out of the "shared cubicle" that all of us part-timers use, and back to a work area built in near the door into the department.  One advantage, better display space for the Perlman pictures!  Main disadvantages:  Less actual work surface space, less storage, and MORE TRAFFIC!  (And lookie loos because people leave the door open into the work area as they come and go with carts.) 
Here are a couple of pictures of the "Perlman Gallery" or the "Perlman Shrine" , depending on whom you ask:

 This wall can be seen from the doorway.  Top certificate is my certificate of graduation from the Pioneer Library System Academy, meaning I completed all the required job training set for me at that time.

The picture on the right is next to the computer, only visible from the workspace itself, or the cubicles behind it.

There is also a wall that faces the back door, and it has a copy of the Hellboy picture signed for my young colleague who also uses this work area.  (And I think my Nerdy Dozen certificate for finishing the first round of web 2.0 training is on that wall, too.)

I have a talking Dalek stuffed toy that is on the shelf above the desk soon to be joined by a baby penguin and a mini minion figure.  There will also be a Clay Morrow Pop figure on the desk soon.

Gotta keep the fan love alive!

Here's the final wall of the "Perlman Gallery"  Darrin's HellBoy pic, and my Nerdy Dozen certificate.







This move was in preparation for a third 40-hour person coming to join our department.  I am hopeful that my superiors have chosen well, and that this person will blend well with our little band of crazy circulators.  (Hey, we may be nuts, but we have fun, and boy, do we get a lot of work done!)

Except me, at home, right now.  Not getting a whole lot done except writing this blog post.  Which is one of the things I've been meaning to do, just not one of the ones I really SHOULD be doing at this particular time.

As always, thanks for reading.  If you've made it this far, I salute you!  You are obviously one of the Bored and/or the Brave!

Trying New Things

I am trying something new today. I am trying to write a post to this blog while on the Customer Service Desk. As school is just letting out, I may have a few moments grace to get something written before the hordes descend.
Normally, if we don't have a customer, there isn't much else to do out here. I don't feel too bad, I've already checked out several people, made two library cards, and gotten a nice comment from a customer who hasn't used the RFID checkout before.
Those check out stations are really cool, and most customers really like them. Unfortunately, there are some for whom technology will always be a challenge. There are some the computers always act up for, and I cannot figure out why. They appear to be doing everything right. I have even stood there and gone through it with them and the computer will toss them over to our desk for some reason known only to its dark little circuit boards. For some people, it really ISN'T their fault.
I am getting ready to try something new at home. Recording my singing. That is a little bit scary, since I never like the way I sound on recordings. We shall have to see if I can a) get through a whole piece without screwing up, and b) hack hearing myself in the headphones.
(Wearing headphones is another issue for me. I have NEVER liked them.)
I am not usually very big on trying new things. I like predictability. I have learned to be more open to change and trying new things by working in the library. We always change things and try new approaches in order to find the best possible way to get books and information to our customers. Sometimes new things work, sometimes they don't, but you never find out if you don't try.
I am working up my courage to try learning the spreadsheet so I can put our checkbook stuff on the computer at home. I don't like having too much of that stuff on the computer, but the budget needs some more readily accessible form to be in so Matt can take care of it if anything happens to me. I don't understand how he sets up spreadsheets, so I have a big learning curve ahead of me. I know how I think about the stuff, but I don't know if a spreadsheet will do it the way my brain does. I don't think about this stuff the way "normal"people do, evidently. (I loathe this keyboard. Half the keys stick. Makes inputting cards really fun.)

Ah, the after school rush approaches. Updates at 10.

Endings and Beginnings

This month I have sung at two funerals. Both times as part of a choir. These two services were very different, but both were very emotional. The first was the funeral of the son of a friend. This young man was the victim of a random, senseless accident. This was a shocking and very painful death. Yet the service was uplifting, an affirmation of his life and an acknowledgement of his family's pain.
The second was for the 90 year old father of a friend. This was a peaceful end, more or less expected, but still not welcome for those who love him. The part of the service we sang for was at the graveside, and what a peaceful and beautiful place and day for it. This was a sad farewell, but not a wrenching one.
These endings are also new beginnings for both families. They have to get used to life now without their loved ones being around. They have gone for their rest, and we believe we will see them by and by when we go to ours, and that we will all have new life one day.
This time of year is also a time of endings and beginnings. All of nature is winding down, waiting for its winter nap, and the new life to come in spring.
At work, we have people leaving, people changing jobs, and new hires coming in.
In my music studies, I have finished the recital pieces, time to move on to new things and maybe some Christmas things in preparation for the next recital.
Our newspaper carrier is quitting after years of loyal and dependable service. Next month a new carrier starts. One wonders if the newspaper will indeed be waiting every day as it has been for so many years.
I guess this all boils down to life being about change. In case you haven't noticed, to live means to change, grow, evolve, become something new, learn something new or die. Even in death, many of us believe that we go on to a new life, to learn even more new things. If we know that life means things change, why then do we resist change so much? We all long for the days of childhood, when our routines seemed written in stone, we KNEW what would happen and when, and there were few if any major bumps in our roads. (At least my childhood was pretty much that way, your mileage will surely vary.)
When we get used to a certain situation, way of doing things, group of people, place, we don't want things to change. We are comfortable. We don't want the discomfort of change.
Yet we often find that the changed situation is better, more interesting, easier to deal with, than the one we clung to so desperately.
I find myself to be resistant to change, but to go with the flow when I must. I am used to it at work, the library world changes constantly. Procedures, shelving locations, call formats, all these change all the time. My personal world, though, I like to have the same because it makes me feel in control of something. This is an illusion, and deep down I know it, but it's my illusion, and I want to keep it.
Just my random thoughts on change.