Trying To Rise Out Of The Miasma Of Inertia: More Musings From The Notebook

October 14, 2017
The wind is high
And out of the North now
Now that night
Is well advanced
But sleep is not
 In the equation
Just yet
So I sit with my
Cup of herbal tea
And my thoughts
And this notebook
And maybe
 A volume of forgotten lore
Or maybe a poem
By Poe

October 15, 2017

Random Stuff-

It was so lovely, cool, and breezy, that we had the windows open this evening.

Why does my nose only get stuffy right when it's time to go to sleep?

Strange how I get bits and pieces of arias stuck on repeat in my head -
I just hope my sub-conscious doesn't lead me into bad singing habits.

This set of pens is very plain and utilitarian, except for the top of the caps.  They have sparkly stones set on them.

Cooler days = more running tights and yoga pants for walk time.

October 18, 2017

More Random Stuff

You find out when you take active aggressor training at work if you are a big chicken or not.  I am a big chicken.  I have always known that.  That's how I survived living in Compton. I'm pretty good at hiding, blending into the scenery.

Like a Kelpian, I must have "threat ganglia" I can sometimes feel it when things are dangerous, and I get the heck outta Dodge.

Wishing my eyes would settle down some more.  The floaters are driving me nuts today.

October 26, 2017

Our library is a busy place.  I am so glad the children obviously enjoy being here.

Long desk shift today.  We are a bit short handed.  Interesting that I have still managed to walk enought to complete the 8 hours at 250 + steps per hour.

My weight is playing yo-yo again.  I wish it would go down and stay down.
 This would be easier to achieve if I did not buy ice cream...

We have a functioning fireplace again.  Just in time.  Supposed to be freezing this weekend--

So the little ghoulies and ghaisties will be chilled this year-

October 27, 2017

For the days of crows
Calling to one another
Have come
And the sun
Bends golden
Amber light to
Shine their feathers
And gild our world.

Yet also comes the raucous
North wind
Bringing chills
And promises of frost.

The time for Ghoulies and Ghaisties and long-leggety beasties
And things that go BUMP! in the night is fast approaching.

At least the wild winds and chilly air add to the spooky atmosphere.

Our library has more than our share of unhappy little spirits this morning.
Whinging and crying and making all the adults unhappy.

Tired.  So tired.
No good reason to be.
I just am.

November 18, 2017

I walk in the wild wind
With battalions of leaves
Clattering, scraping, scuttling
Their frantic way tgoward the South.
Ahead of the howling, pushing, rushing wind.

The sky to the North
Dark and foreboding
Like someone decided
The weather should match
The way I feel about
Our chances for survival
As a nation.
Ant though the sun
Was warm in spite of the wind,
Before I was halfway done
The dark clouds had encompassed the land
Pushing the sunlight away,
Thing is, I like this sort of windy weather
When the wind is high
And it seems almost
Anything can happen.
I tend to see hope in it
Rather than doom,
As if the blustery windIs a broom
Sweeping the land
Cleaning it up
For a brighter tomorrow.

All the loose things
All the things that
Resonate
Or vibrate
Or swing and slam
Are apparent today
Because the wind
Has come to play.

It's that time of year that wenever I open the door, dozens of oak leaves make a mad rush to get in. As though they were living creatures in search of shelter.

November 2, 2017

This year I find myself
Both thankful
And ashamed.
Thankful to have all
The basics of life
Shelter
Food
Clothing
Running water
Central heat
Hot water
A good sewer system
Medical insurance

Ashamed that I have done so little to ensure that others can hae a chance at them, and that I have not been more active in participating in our Democracy.

It is all dying before our very eyes.
Soon, only the very rich (and I don't mean average Americans like me), will have their needs met.

The cynical "no free rides" crowd will all be dying off like the rest of us because they don't have the resources to survive a sudden illness, no matter WHAT they think right now.

My husband will likely die far too young if our Congress and administration get their way and gut Medicare ad topple the VA and TriCare both.

I really cannot fathom such greed. 
If paying a little more in taxes will keep all of us healthier and more able to work, HOW IS THAT A BAD THING?

I am thankful that , at least for now, I live in a place where I can worship as I choose to , say what I think, read what I want, associate with the peole I choose to.
I fear that freedom has become more fragile than it once was, through our national laziness and complacency.

I grow very weary of the constant drone of bad news, the constant feeling that everything is falling apart.

Can we please remember that we're all in this boat together, and that together we have more resources to work with ?
Can we please remember to love one another no matter what we look like or believe?
All major eliefs argue for caring for one another, friend and stranger alike.

Can we please either fire or change the heart of a leader who would call the Good Samaritan a loser?
I pray daily that God would truly open his eyes and change his heart.  If ever someone needed redeeming, that man does.

Compassion is not just for those who think like you do.  It is for anyone who needs it.  Faith should make a diffenece in your behavior, in your response to those in need.

November 29, 2017

Tomorrow is St. Andrew's Day!
Scotland's patron saint and an advocate of kindness and sharing.  #BeLikeStAndrew

December 5, 2017

Time flies, I lose track
Life is going
Never coming back
The world's only constant
Seems to be change
But the more I look at it,
The more it seems the same.
Mankind full of hate,
Anger at his brother
Professing love too late
Lost to one another.We must wake up
We must see
We are all ONE
And all we'll ever be
Is responsible for each other
Just wait and see
When the call to judgement comes
What the questions will be
I was hungry, did you feed me?
I was sick, did you care?
I was naked , did you clothe me?
Or did you just stnad and glare?
Did you care?

December 7, 2017

Depression stalks us
It is a daily struggle
Not to give in to despair
So much bad news
No end in sight
Nobody seems to care
About their neighbor's plight.

December 13 , 2017

One more light in our National Darkness
A good man won the senate seat in Alabama
Over a monster
The sad thing is that it was so close.
It should have been a landslide in favor of a good, decent man over a child molester that was TWICE removed from the bench when he was a judge.

So, trying to build on this renewed hope, and look for ways to work toward making it easier for good people to be elected.

People seem starved for simple human kindness - a kind word, a gesture, help with a door, a reeting, all seem met with a smile.  It's cold out there - and I don't just mean the weather.

Online interactions can  be brutal.  I've had a few very unpleasant ones, but I've also had many, many more people stick up for me against the trolls, and say encouraging things.

In my job I am able to interact with people, and I always try to be positive.  I try to cheer up the world around me.

 
It seems to make a difference, at least for some people.

That's it for this journey through the journal, and I think it's quite enough. 

October Has Come

And with it at least a little cooler weather.  Here are some gleanings from the journal since my last journal post...

September 29, 2017

So hard to write
Feel tired so often
Just emotionally drained
Tired of being afraid of the future.

The little fun I have is painting my fingernails.

Also, I've been working out, but the weight I gained during recovery from eye surgery is leaving VERY SLOWLY.

So few rays of hope
In this nightmare
We are forced to live in.
The hateful and spiteful rule
 And the kind and loving
 Are crushed underfoot.
 No one is cared for
But the very wealthy
The rest of us
Are supposed to die,
I suppose.

October 5, 2017

The weather is wet and cloudy, but the air still far too warm.
I want my Autumn sunlight and cool, snappy air as well

Our nation's mood is like our President-
Old, grumpy, easily provoked.
We all need coffee, and/or a good, stiff drink, a big group hug, and a LARGE infusion of Common Sense.
Also possibly a nice nap.

On the desk, and life is busy.  Our library is hopping!
We are loved and needed!

October 8, 2017

At last the golden days return.
Nights are cooler
Days are still quite warm
a few trees, mostly the silver maples, are throwing leaves to the ground.
Though, not many have changed color yet.




 I look at my hand
Resting on the page
Holding my pen
And I see my mother's hand.
Veinier and bonier
With knobblier knuckles
Than I think I should have.
Yet the shape of it
Is still all me.
LONG fingers.
Deeper palm.
Painted nails.
Still me.
Older.
More mileage.
But still the
                                                                Same me.




I have a new Fit Bit.  It hasn't asked to be held yet.
It lives on my wrist
And measures my heart rate
As well as my steps.
After about 2 weeks, it seems to think I'm in excellent shape for my age group.
It reminds me to get up and move if I've logged less than 250 steps in an hour.
It buzzes 10 minutes before the hour to remind me, if I haven't had enough steps that hour.
I have set it up to only do this between 9am and 5pm. 
It's rather amazing how meetings can make holes in your daily accumulation of steps.

October 9, 2017

Today the wind has shifted
It is now from the North
It is cooling the air
Bringing thoughts of hearty stew
And good bread
And a cozy spot
And a good book.
I have the stew cooking
And the rolls reheating...


October 10, 2017

At last! A cool Autumn day!
Clouds and sun both, Cold north wind,
Perfect day to make muffins
To take to work, so I did!

Monarch butterfly photo by Gillian Lang 10/13/17

 October 13, 2017

Monarchs
By CK Armistead
2017

Sail on
Gentle soul
South
Against the wind
On to that place
Of rest and solace
Where all lives will soon be
Celebrated
And love remembered
For it isn't only
The one day
That we remember
Those we love
But no longer see
In this world
But every day
We love and we remember
Just on the one day
We celebrate
And remember
In public
With marigolds
And food, and drink,
And music,
And stories.
And we watch for you
Floating by, stopping
To rest your wings
On the marigolds
On the shrines to love.

-For a butterfly seen on my walk this morning, working its careful way South toward Mexico, even against the wind.
Dia de los Muertos happens soon-
All Hallows Even, All Saints Day
Samhain, to those of us with Celtic heritage.
The walls between the worlds grow thin,
And all sorts of wonderful things are possible.




 As always, I bid you peace.

Hanging In There , Waiting For My Favorite Season To Start For Real

Here I thought I had saved this lovely blog entry, all about my evening a few days ago on the patio, fighting the mosquitoes while watering the gardens.  Sigh.  Seems technology has failed me, and my tablet app for Blogger dumped the whole thing except the title.  Didn't send it to the regular website, either, and it's supposed to.
I am still waiting to get my refraction (eyeglasses prescribed)  exam.  That will happen on Thursday.  Right after that exam, I have a pressure check with Dr. Harvey, just to see how things are going. 

There hasn't been much time and/or energy to write in the poetry journal.  I will try to see if there are any good things to add.

Sept. 6, 2017

Still a few weeks until I ge tested for new glasses.  Making do with readers.
No need for distance glasses, really.  Maybe a bit of fine tuning, but that's all.
Will probably get progressive lenses again, because I like the easy transition between focal lengths.

Wondering why I feel so defeated and tired.
My favorite season will soon be here, with golden days and crisp nights -
Choir rehearsals resume again tonight.

As long ago as 1937, people recognized that the Arts reinforce other disciplines as well as adding joy to life.  Hendrick Van Loon wrote in the "How To Use This Book" chapter of The Arts that "You will be a much better draftsman for knowing something about the structure of a symphony."

He argues quite forcefully for the importance of being acquainted with the masterworks in all Arts -as a way of being knowledgeable about the Arts themselves, and about the art of observing the world around us.  And for it's greatest purpose - to make life something worth living. 
The book appears to be a history of the Arts through the ages beginning with pre-history.
Still - I wonder why so many in political power denigrate the Arts, see them as "Frills" and not essential to a complete education.  Perhaps because the Arts allow for political commentary on the sly - and often artists are the ones who lead resistance to an oppressive regime.  Our current administration certainly qualifies as repressive and oppressive.

September 11, 2017

Another anniversary of a difficult, heartbreaking day.
So much extra sadness for us in OKC; so many of the first responders lost on 9/11 were some who had come to help with our recover efforts after April 19, 1995. 
We have always felt the support of and kinship with NYC.  Our memorial committees worked together - there is much common ground between two cities whose hearts were broken. 

September 15, 2017

As Summer slowly
Stumbles toward
Death
The bright jeweled
Corpses of cicadas
Litter the ground
Along with the very first
Falling leaves.
Almost gone are the
Dry bones rattles
And few and far between
The other-worldly, frenzied
Twanging of their
Evening songs.

Still Summer tries to
Rally, as the hot, fetid breeze
Comes up from Texas
Bringing way too much
Ragweed pollen with it.

So, we will greet with joy
The first hard frost
And until then
Meet Fall
With stuffy noses
And many sneezes.

September 16, 2017

I sit here at my desk, with my desktop computer on behind this tablet as I type.  Matthew is cooking dinner, and the aromas of taco seasoned beef are distracting me from this job.  My stomach insists on reminding me that I have been cutting back on what I am eating.  Which has paid off, I have already dropped more than two pounds since the debauchery of the weeks after my eye surgery.
There is a new gadget in my life, replacing one that has been my companion pretty much 24/7 for more than four years now.  I have a new Fitbit.  This one is on a wrist band, and shows more stats, like heart rate.  I am trying it, and hoping it works long term, because things that fit my wrist snugly have a history of causing a nerve reaction in me.  I get bad itching and irritation, or at least, I did for awhile.  It's been several years since I wore a watch, so maybe now things will be better.  Also, you can change bands on this Fitbit very easily, and I have 12 different colored bands I can wear with it, so I shouldn't have the issues I had before with just one watch band all the time.  I also follow the instructions, and take it off for awhile if I am going to be sedentary for a long period of time, as I am right now.  I DO wear it to bed at night, as it uses heart rate to determine quality of sleep.  (Not definitive by any means, but it gives me an idea of what goes on) I also clean it regularly.
So far, it has been fun, but has required me to take my reading glasses on my walks with me, so that I can see the screen if I need to.  (Going to ask the optical shop about getting a pair of "fitness sunglasses" that have the reading lense as well as the distance in them...)

I have been informed that it is time to start getting the amendments for the burritos ready, so I shall end this post here.

Further Adventures With Changing Eyesight

So this week, I have had my second appointment after the first surgery.  All is well, and in fact, I cannot wear my current glasses to drive anymore, the correction for distance in the left eye bothers me.  Neither can I read through them, the left eye doesn't correct enough for reading, and the right is still blurry because I haven't had the second surgery yet.  SO, I now have some reading glasses from Target to tide me over.  They are 1.5 magnification, so about the weakest ones out there, but they work great.  I now own the first pairs of non-prescription sunglasses I have had since I was 15.
After the second surgery, which will take place on the 15th, I will have to wait until the eyes get completely healed and settled down, and see where we are as regards glasses.  I may well end up with progressives again, just to make sure I can see both computer and reading material, and not have to put on and take off glasses all the time!

I am also determined this week, while I am free of physical restrictions before the next surgery, to get my exercise level up , and my diet back under control.  The surgery isn't as traumatic as I feared, so, no more "comfort food."  Gotta get back on the healthy road.

Two weeks later...
I have just had the surgery on my right eye.  It feels more irritated to me than the left did.  Could be because I mowed the lawn yesterday and exposed myself to a whole bunch more irritants than usual...
Anyway.  Doing all right so far with just regular sunglasses and my reading glasses.  Will know more in a few weeks when the right eye heals and we can see better how things will shake out. 
My weight is still up, and so of course, my blood pressure was higher this time out.  It came down satisfactorily, though.  I probably just made it worse, because I drank coffee with my belated breakfast from McDonald's.  At any rate, I am back to four times a day for two of the eyedrops, at least in my right eye, and I have drops that go in the left, too, for at least another day or two.  The right eye will get the twice a day step down in about a week. 
I still feel kind of blasted from the sedative they gave me.  I need to sleep a little, since I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night.  Just wasn't sleepy , for some reason. 

I will write more tomorrow after my post-op appointment.

This is actually Thursday, the day after my post-op appointment.  The right eye had more scar tissue in it than the left, one reason for it being more irritable than the left eye was.  So far, everything looks fabulous.  The pressures in my eyes were down to 11 and 12 yesterday morning.  (Would be a little higher today perhaps, because I had coffee with my brunch). 

Sometimes, the reading glasses aren't good enough, but that is usually when faced with small type in poor light.  The waiting for things to get stable enough to do a refraction for new glasses is going to get on my nerves, no doubt.  The enforced inactivity also gets on my nerves.  I can do a bit more tomorrow, but I'm still supposed to take it easy today.  Makes me feel worn out and sleepy.  Makes my body ache because it isn't moving enough.  

This has been quite an experience so far, will be interesting to see where I end up...

Ruminations On Recovery

So, the surgery I was apprehensive about turned out to be nowhere near as stressful as I feared.  I think my main worry was that I had never had sedation of any kind before. (Well, other than the self-inflicted alcoholic variety, and that only mildly...)
The cataract/ glaucoma surgery went very quickly and very well.  Right now I am in the uncomfortable place that the distance correction in my glasses is too much, but I need the middle distance and the reading correction.  Driving is not as bad as I feared.  I can once again see both the street and the dashboard without the dashboard being too blurry to read.  Maybe once the right eye is done, this will settle in a little more, but then there is the four- to six- week wait for the eyes to stabilize so we can get new glasses without it being a waste of time and money.
Right now, I am typing this with no glasses at all.  I can see the screen pretty clearly.  I do still have floaters, I probably always will, both because of age and because I have detached vitreous, which means my floaters may be more noticeable to me.  My real hope is that the cataract surgery and the cleaning out of the scar tissue near my irises will mean that the glaucoma danger has pretty much passed.  I may still need the drops just in case, but I kinda figured I'd end up with that since my Mom had glaucoma, and so does my sister.  It DOES run in families.  Just that I got to have the rare and unusual kind.  (Then again, I am pretty rare and unusual, so...)

Recuperating is difficult.  I can't do my my usual exercise, and I get bored, so I eat entirely too much, and the wrong things.  I have gained five pounds this week, but most of it will vanish the day I start walking in earnest again.  Hey, maybe now I won't have to worry about falling so much, because maybe I'll be better able to see where my feet are going!

The well wishes of all my many friends, church family, library family, and especially my #Perlsistas has meant a lot to me in this process.  I know you guys care, and I know you are thinking of me and praying for me, and I really appreciate it, and it has made a HUGE difference in  my ability to keep the freakouts at bay and behave like an actual grown-up.

Now that I am near the end of this first bout of recuperation, I have a few things I have put off to get done, like making library staff birthday cards for August, and reading some stories for my YouTube story fans.  I may find out on Wednesday when my right eye will be done.  Much will depend on the progress the left eye has made, and how the doctor feels about going forward.  (Also, I am hoping TriCare responds quickly this time, now that they should know that the surgery is necessary not only to prevent the cataract from getting worse, but to greatly alleviate the glaucoma situation by freeing up space in the forward part of my eyeball.  ( Replacement lens is nowhere near as thick as the natural one, more space in the chamber = less chance of the drainage being clogged up again, less chance of dangerous pressure spike.)

So that's where I am this week.  More as things develop.  Thanks again for all the good thoughts and prayers.  They DO make a difference!

All The Loose Bits

Time for another gleaning from my writing journal.  Some are poems, some are scenes, some just little bits of life's annoying nature.

May 29, 2017

By our celebrations
and cookouts today
Perhaps we really do
Show gratitude
To those who died
Defending our right
To speak freely,
Worship as we choose,
And pursue happiness.

We are only doing things
They would do
If they were still here
To enjoy them, too.
So let's raise our glasses
To absent friends
And relatives
And remember to appreciate
This freedom
 Bought for us
At such a great price.


May 30, 2017

Chocolate chip shortbread is TOO good.

Gaining weight is far too easy.

Weariness is a companion that has become all too familiar.


June 4, 2017

Insomnia, thou art
Too familiar
A guest
Rather more
An intruder
These days.
Would that you
Be gone tonight-
Just pack your
Intrusive thoughts
And random aches
And pains
Into your
Well-worn
Case
And GO.
And don't come back.
Also
You can stop
With the traveling itches
And muscle twitches
And bathroom breaks
I am supposed to
Be sleeping
Not suffering.
Perhaps too much caffeine
Is your invitation
Or eating too late in
The evening
Or drinking too much water -
Or exercising too late -
I don't know.
I just want you gone.


Tomorrow
There will be bagels
Also
I will renew my driver's license
And I will attempt to eat
Less crap
And more healthy stuff.


June 7, 2017

If I want my blood pressure to go down,
I have to stop looking at anything to do with the current administration-
At least until somebody confirms he and all his minions are GONE.

Emotions are such a
Yo-yo right now.
Up and down
Hope and despair
Joy and sadness
Wish things would settle down
Out there in the world
So
They could also settle down
Here in my heart.

Wish I could finish my story
And get some more poetry
Written.
It's so hard to sit down and get anything written.


June 9, 2017

Strange how sometimes things you get for free
Can become favorite items.

For years we've used a citrus peeler I got as a freebie at a Tupperware party.

I am currently enamored of a stylus pen given out by a local business and given to me by a friend.

Strange how odd things can be so useful.
The teapot my mother used most  (which I now own) was one she got free in a supermarket promotion.

Our one and only kitchen funnel was  given to us as a promotional gift by our Fuller Brush man long ago and far away.


July 1, 2017

Behold-
The world's most
Neglected journal-
My most neglected art
My writing.
My singing is also much
Neglected lately.
Both deficits add
To the darkness
In my soul.

A project I've been
Sitting on for about a month -
Candy Wrapper Wisdom
From Dove Chocolates:
"Coin a new catchphrase."

"Build a bridge with chocolate."

"Give someone a compliment."

"Make all food finger food."

"Share something OFFline"

"Why not?"

"Lend an ear, and a chocolate."


If I want to use up
This journal
And be able to use
A new one
At the turn of the year-
I need to get busy
And write.

Too often
I sit
And stare
At a screen
Reading
Or watching
Other people's
Stories.
Time to justify all these pens
And the empty journals
Waiting to be used.

Today started out to be a not so good day

Recycle center closed until the 7th
Doughnut place was sold out.
Came to work, couple of stinky customer problems.
Got MY customer sorted-
Everybody else has been fine.

More and more every day
It looks like the Nazis who were elected last November
Are trying to dismantle our country.
I only hope God hears our prayers
And stops them.


July 4, 2017

New York
First known as
New Amsterdam
THE City
The Big Apple
Icon of America
For many.
Truly what we think of
When someone says
The Big City.


Last night we had Mother Nature's fireworks.
Thunder rattling the window,
Lightning's  blinding flash
Tonight we have the man-made
Variety
Pretty, but nowhere near as impressive.


July 6, 2017

Summer afternoon
Hot
Steamy
Busy
The library is cool
So we have
LOTS of people
In here.

My personality type is supposed to like plans
Well, when I have something specific to do, or someplace to go,
I like a plan to follow.
As far as goals, long term planning, I suck at that.
I meander along with no over-riding purpose -
Just getting through each day as it comes.

I need to get myself and Matt more motivated
and set some goals -
Maybe using our trip to NYC in the spring as a motivator for financial as well as fitness goals-
My biggest issue is laziness and being too easily tempted by instant gratification as far as eating and spending go.

We need more planning.

I also need a bit more of a life goal than just surviving.  We both need to have something to work toward---

 ----July 22, 2017----

Behold, a blank page.
Left unintenionally
in the midst of my writings.
So wrong to leave paper unused, as though my mind had suddenly gone mute.
It feels as though it does, sometimes.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with what must be processed - as though my intellect must sort through the input dump and weed out that which is itself poisonous, or which triggers toxic responses.
So often lately, dealing with my own body's betrayal I feel as though I will NEVER get all of this sorted and get my calm reasserted.  Order escapes me.
 Chaos seems to reign, at least inside my head.
And then phrases come
Like chants
Like prayers
Out of the maelstrom
And ask to be written down
For you have never left me alone  in the dark before
You have always let me see your light
And by that light, the beauty  of all that is -
You will  not abandon me now, I know.
I have only to reach for
Your hand...

-------------
July 14, 2017 (back to normal order of entries)
In eleven days I go to have cataract and glaucoma surgery.
Never thought I'd be anxious to get a surgery done, but because of the type of glaucoma I have -
It's best to go quickly so I don't go blind.
The idea of the surgery kinda creeps me out, and the risks, though very small, are also real and scary.
The alternative is even scarier.
The changes will be hard to deal with in the short term, but in the end my vision may just be better, and I MAY only need reading glassed once we're all done.  I will also, I hope, be less likely to have an acute attack and suddenly go blind. The drops I take will help this, too.

July 17, 2017

Just A Bunch Of Random Crap That Runs Through My Mind
(Wait. That sounds gross ...)
Things I Ponder In Odd Moments
(Much better.)

There seems to be a plague of mourning doves in Oklahoma.
Everywhere I go I see them.  There's even one nesting in the rain gutters on the house.

Why do I run out of energy when I most need it?

How can I seem so calm when I am running around screaming on the inside?

Why are eye drops such a pain?




July 22, 2017

My love, why do you make simple tasks so difficult for me?  Leaving things stuck on utensils and the sink, to dry into concrete I cannot easily remove?  Why do you eat too much of the things you should not?  Are you getting even with me for bringing those things here in the first place?
Well, the cheesecake filling was my fault.  I needed it for the strawberry pie.
And perhaps making that pie was selfish - but I needed the happy memories of my Pop and Mom, and the sweetness and the process of making something good with my own hands.  (While I still can, whispers that dark voice I've heard all too much of lately.)
I try for my own sake, and for the sake of those who must bear my company, to wrap myself in cheerfulness and positivity.
I do try to keep faith- as God has never yet let me down-
But oh, the darkness whispers terrible things to me.  Things like I'll be PERMANENTLY in the dark, blind, helpless, no hope of independence , denied my reading, writing, colors, all my beauties save music.
Sometimes the darkness whispers that I'll just die- some unanticipated reaction to the anesthesia - and a few may mourn, but most won't notice, won't care, that I've gone.
I KNOW that to be a lie.  I can FEEL the love that surrounds me, all the hearts I have cared for, who also care for mine.  Those who love my humor, my words, my music, those who bless me by being my friends, by allowing me to share with them - those kind enough to see me and love me for all my quirks.
And YOU, my love.  You most of all who love me enough to spar with me, grouse at me, annoy me, and know that I will not leave you. I will NEVER leave you by choice.  I will be here for you.  You need me.  I know.  I love you.  For always.




Even Halloween and all its supposed traditional terrors had nothing on high summer in Oklahoma for epic creepiness.
The blast of hellish south winds on oppressive air, and the dry-bones rattle of cicadas everywhere.
Ghoulish messages sent and received on the restless, sullen air.
In the evenings, the space - ship song of those same insects whines into the barely receding heat.  If   you look, the season's only blessing, the tiny, intermittent galaxies of fireflies in the deepening dusk.  But only if we leave the yard lights off.



There.  That's the latest from the writing journal.  Some stuff I really like in there, and some of the usual crap.  This is how writing works.  A lot like panning for gold.  You get a whole bunch of sand, and a few bright gold nuggets. 

Summertime, And The Livin' Is...Interesting

Summer is supposedly most people's favorite season.  Not for me.  I don't do well in the Oklahoma heat.  My energy runs out quickly, and dressing for work is a whole new challenge, as the library is kept blessedly cool, but between the car and the building is a blast furnace!

Another challenge I face this summer is that I just found out I have a rare type of glaucoma.  Here I was, minding my own business, just going to get looked at by an opthalmologist because I have been told I have detached vitreous, and I find out I have Narrow Angle Glaucoma. There is some damage from it, AND I have cataracts, so in about a week and a half, I have the first of two surgeries to remove the cataracts, and to open up the drainage a bit in my eyeballs.  Left eye first, then the right will be done at a later date.  Evidently, the pressure in my eyes was rather astounding, and I have had NO symptoms.  This type usually shows up with headaches, nausea, and very blurry vision, and rainbow halos around lights.  I have had a couple of really bad headaches in the last month or two, but none of the other symptoms.  (I had assumed a sinus blockage in one case, and too many margaritas in the other!)

Upon doing some research, I come to find out that it is something of a miracle that I haven't had a major acute attack.  All of the allergy medications I take except for plain Mucinex, can cause an acute attack in someone with Narrow Angle.  Even my Ranitidine that I take for acid stomach can cause one. Good thing I have lots of ginger ale and some Gaviscon in the house!   At least my aspirin and Tylenol are safe.  (And this week no aspirin or ibuprofen because of upcoming surgery.)  I will, of course, speak with my doctor about which medicines will be safe for me going forward, but for right now, I'm looking at major changes in habits.  I will also have to limit caffeine intake; something I was planning on doing anyway, as being able to sleep would be nice.

I find myself looking around the house at things I need to get done before surgery day, as though I won't be able to do them after.  (Well, some things I probably won't, at least for a week or two).  There is a story I want to finish writing, some more picture books to read aloud and record for my online friends, some general straightening up and cleaning up around here, too.

It's also hard not to be paranoid about my eyes now.  I've had fits off an on with feeling like the floaters NEVER get out of my way, at least now I know why.  Cataracts.  I am also having some dry eye feelings because of the Lumigan, so artificial tears are my friend. Every twinge, itch, and twitch are now suspect.  I'm driving myself nuts.  I'll just have to calm down.  It is very astounding how calm I felt when I was told all this, how I immediately agreed surgery was necessary, and given the two options, I opted for getting the cataracts and the glaucoma dealt with at the same time.  Less instances of trauma.

As I am trying not to freak out about the surgery and all the possibilities (good and bad) from that, I am also starting back to voice lessons after a long forced sabbatical due to my coach's health.  She is better now, and able to get to her piano, so we're on again.  Tomorrow morning at 10!

So, I still need to find time this week to read stories, write in my journal, and finish writing that fanfic I've been pondering over for more than a year.  Speaking of sleep, though, it's after 11pm, and I need to turn in.  Further reports as events (and inspirations) warrant!

The Latest From the Neglected and Lonely Journal

My journal has been a bit neglected lately.  So, it's taken awhile to collect enough things to post from it.

As always, these are random observations, poems in progress, or just ideas for poems that got jotted down, or even just impressions from my reading of song lyrics or poetry.

May 2

Many tasks
Accomplished
List checked off -
Yet I feel
The day
Has escaped
So quickly
Gone
Not savored
Not enjoyed

And when a Spring day
Is warm
Bright
And not too breezy,
It SHOULD be
Savored.
Appreciated
Reveled in.


One lonely bloom
On the new peony
Opens
With show
And splash
And panache
For the other
New ones
We must wait
'till next year
They are still
Working on things
They need to grow roots
 Before they'll be given wings
To zoom
Into bloom!

May 10

So much time lost
So many images past
The weather begins
Making threats
That may not be idle
The political circus
Becomes ever
More strident
And as I search
For calm
And balance
I upset
My own
Equilibrium
By finding
A new coffee
Too much caffeine
NOT conducive
to calm
Contemplation.

Disappointment
With an author/artist
Sadness for
All of us fans
And my friends
Overlooked,
Abandoned,
In order to pursue
The almighty
Dollar.
I guess he fits in
With the current
Political mood
though his writing
Would indicate
Otherwise.


As I age
My body
Makes its displeasure
Apparent
When I try
To do too many
Of the heavy tasks
That need doing.
It tells me with
Aches
Stomach upsets
Keeping me awake
Until I find
The correct combination
Of things to appease it.
It also punishes me
For over indulgence
Much more than
Used to be the case.
Oh, this process
Is not for
The faint of heart...


Cohen lyrics for today:

Joan of Arc
"I saw her wince, I saw her cry,
I saw the glory in her eye.
Myself I long for love and light,
but must it come so cruel,
and oh so bright."

A much more traditional sort of poetry than usual.  Very  tightly constructed, and the message very powerful.


Random Thoughts:

Coffee is like beer- you can't buy it, you can only rent it.  (Archie Bunker, I believe, about beer, anyway.)
The probability of rain is directly related to how badly our lawn needs mowing.

When you work in a library, reading a book at the public service desk is a way to draw customers to you.  It NEVER fails.

Dear dithering driver ahead of me:  It's been a long time since coffee, and it's a long time before wine.  Please stop pissing me off!!!

The Friends of the Library's ongoing book sale is a way for the library to get all the staff's spare change...

If your mind is weary and wants sleep, your body will find ways to keep you awake.
If your body is weary and wants sleep, your mind will rant on and on about everything in the universe and refuse to shut up and let you sleep.


May 21

Monday
You will not
Thwart me
I have a list,
And I have coffee!


May 26

I have a new vice;
Cold Brew Coffee
And almond milk
Oh, my.
So good, so easy to make
cold brew coffee...

Gravity still works alarmingly well.
Found that out on Tuesday.

Yard work makes my
Arms weak and numb-
Especially when I have to use the string trimmer.

Spring
The weather can be SO lovely
And also so ugly.
We have some warning
About the ugly bits, but
Not often a lot
Some days it threatens
But never blows-
Other days it starts out happy
And then,WHAM!
Tornadoes.
Oklahoma
Is schizophrenic
In spring.


Tablet battery ran out
Time to dig Mophie
Out of my purse.

The sound of the beads on her braids,
Making a glorious accompaniment to her
Joyful skipping.
Thank you, beautiful child
For brightening my day.

May 27

Out of sorts
Out of place
Even among those
I love best
Feeling misunderstood
Afraid I've offended
Or will offend
Because I know
I'm odd.
I don't fit.
It's just an INFJ
Kind of day.  

Making Cold Brew Coffee - So I Won't Forget How...

I recently read Cleo Coyle's latest Coffehouse Mystery:  Dead Cold Brew.

It is, as usual, excellent, and contains many interesting recipes, including the description of the Mason Jar method for making cold brew coffee.
So, of course, I had to try it!
You should definitely buy the book, or at least check it out from your library.  You will get much more information, and much clearer information, about cold brew from the book. I mainly wrote this so I can find it quickly and easily when my aging brain needs a refresher.

You will need:  Coffee, a Mason jar with a lid, a scale or other coffee measure, a grinder, a strainer, or two, and lots of patience.


First:  Choose a dark roast, for a full- flavored coffee that will work well in the cold brew process.  I really like Cafe Verona by Starbucks, but that's just because it's what I had a lot of on hand.  This batch in the photos was made with Starbucks Espresso Roast.  (Target had it on sale, so sue me!)

Dark roast, whole bean, fresh as possible.

Next:  Measure out your coffee.  Normal humans,who read directions and find the proper size jar before they start, need 50 grams of beans.  (I, who am a weirdo who only had a 2 quart jar available, I needed 100 grams.)

Weigh carefully, being sure to zero the scale with the empty bowl on top of it!

Now, of course, you must grind the beans. Use the Coarse setting, like you would for French Press method brewing of hot coffee.

Grind your beans, using the Coarse setting.

It's time to put the ground coffee into your Mason jar.  Please be less messy than I was.  I am afraid the little cup in the grinder and its odd sides caused me to spill a little.  (OK, I'm just sloppy.  Not the grinder's fault.)

Put the ground coffee into your jar.

 Once you get the coffee into the bottom of the jar, start pouring your cold water in.  If you are doing this with the normal people method, you'll need 4 cups of cold water for your one quart Mason jar.  You will need to stir the grounds and water to get the grounds wet, and to allow more water to fit in your jar.  All of it won't fit, but that's OK.
If you are like me, and have a monstrous 2 quart Mason jar, you will need 8 cups of cold water to pour in slowly, stirring once in a while.

Stir between additions of water to help get all the grounds moist, and to fit in the most water possible.

 Once you have the jar full right up to the top, seal it, give it a little shake, put a label showing the time 12 hours from now.  (Start with 12 hours, if the coffee seems too weak to you once you strain it and taste it, leave the next batch to steep 14 hours and try that.)  Now, put it in the fridge, and LEAVE IT ALONE UNTIL THE TIME ON THE LABEL.  Oh, You can give it a little shake once or twice, but other than that, WAIT UNTIL THE STEEPING TIME IS UP!

Mark your coffee with the time 12 hours after the time you put it in the fridge.

Once the coffee has steeped the full 12 hours, it's time to filter it and put it in a storage pitcher in the fridge so it will be ready when you want some mellow coffee goodness.
I started by pouring the coffee through the filter in my Primula Cold Brew pot.  I use the Primula, but I really wanted to try the 12 hour method, as the Primula takes 24 hours.

My Primula Cold Brew Pot, that I used to filter my Mason Jar method coffee the first time.

After it went through the first filter, I then put a basket type coffee filter in a small strainer on top of my storage pitcher, and ran the coffee through that to pick up any lingering sediment. 

The second filter, to remove sediment.

 Now your coffee is all done, and ready to store, or to enjoy.

Cold Brew, all strained and ready to go in the fridge.

 You will need to dilute the coffee to serve it.  It is VERY concentrated.  I like to just pour it over lots of ice, or to dilute it with some Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk, or even regular milk.  It's all up to you and your taste.

Diluted with a little unsweetened vanilla almond milk, the coffee is just divine.

There.  That's how I do it.  Now, I'm going to go enjoy some of my cold brew with the dark chocolate /nut shortbread cookies I just made...

Let's Look At Vacation Pictures!

The view out the north window of our hotel room.

The view out the east window of the hotel room.

View of E34th St from our hotel window at night.

Another night view.

View out north window at night.

Arch in Washington Square Park

Episcopal Church

Another view from the room.

Looking as far west as possible from north window of hotel.

My favorite of the photos I took.  Early morning, lights still on at the Chrysler Building.

Tiny reminders of a tiny guest past.  Guess housekeeping doesn't come in the mornings, or they'd have cleaned those off!

Ready for a day of sight seeing.  Need more coffee, though.

Patience. Or Fortitude.  Not sure which.

Another library lion shot.

Had a textbook with a version of this photo on it once...

The other lion.

Times Square area

Again, Times Square.

Our friends on the bus.

Us on the bus.

The old and the new.  Typical NYC juxtaposition.

Duane Reade stores.  They're EVERYWHERE.

Great view of the back of our friend Larry's head. 

Columbus Circle.

Central Park

Basco, the horse that pulled us around Central Park.

Part of our group in a carriage.

Part of our group, spread out along the sidewalk as usual.

My little book buddy.

Starry Night!!!

The postmaster.

Our tickets for MoMA.  Collage by Larry.

The famous 21 Club and their infamous lawn jockeys.

St. Patrick's Cathedral

At Rockefeller Center.

Cloudy night from the hotel room window.

Random things that landed on my desk.

Out the window of the great little Italian place near our hotel.

Our little group at Washington Square Park.

Arch at Washington Square Park.

Bicicletas

The Museum of Photography, closed, but for some reason, there's a sailboat on the facade of the building...

Lunch in Chinatown.  Cashew chicken.

The whole group of us.  Matt included!

Bunch of tourists from Oklahoma.

So, there are at least some of the photos from our trip to New York.  I took a lot from the room, but my gosh, when the view is that good, who wouldn't?
I had a great time with our friends, and Matt and I plan to go back on our own one day.  We will take more time and have a more leisurely trip.  When we planned this, we mainly wanted to spend at least a little time with our friends visiting from Australia.  We did that, but we crammed in a lot of sight seeing, too.
Such a blessing to see an exciting new place with good friends.  Such a joy to finally meet some of them in person!  Sorry I missed the friends that arrived after we left.  We should have scheduled a later flight!

Looking forward to a chance to go back, to have a relaxing tour of a museum with our friend who lives in New Jersey, and a nice meal, and to do a lot of sight seeing on our own.  New York is too wonderful of a place to only nibble on.  We need time to feast.