A Toast
By C. K. Armistead
Dec 31, 2018
And so, with a raise o' the glass,
And a verse o' Auld Lang Syne,
We bid another year adieu
And consider how many have passed.
For now our time is growing short,
Our years add up to many
We are not exempt from Time's court,
No, nor are any.
But in those years
Our lives have been
With laughter filled, and tears
That always dry when we meet again
My friends.
So here's the Cup O' Kindness,
Raised to hail a new year
And may the love still bind us
As it has lo, these many years!
Happy New Year my friends!
Monday, December 31, 2018
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Out Of The Long, Deep Silence
I have been finding myself unwilling, uninspired, unmotivated, tired, weary, bereft of the words.
Today, for some reason, that changed.
I was looking out the kitchen window as I sipped my fresh, very hot coffee, and realized I did have things that I should write before the images got away.
So, apropos of absolutely nothing, here are my observations that have been a long time coming.
The neighborhood wakes up in stages. Matt is one of the first group to leave for work, when it is still dark out, and all is quiet. By the time I make it staggeringly out to the coffeemaker (thank God for programmable coffee makers) there are more folks out and about, getting ready to leave for work.
I am sure we all get up and stumble around inside where no one can see us FAR earlier than the outward signs of life would suggest. This neighborhood is well designed for such privacy. Ours is one of the few houses with a kitchen window on the front wall.
So, we wake up, we sustain ourselves with caffeine and food, and we make our way out into the world. Later, about the time I finally get around to my walk, there are those out doing things around the yard, or running errands. These are the retirees, or the ones like me that work different hours, or the stay at homes, who are rare.
I think perhaps I have been battling off depression. I have had no desire to do the things I know I should do, or even the things I used to enjoy. My reading even has degenerated into escaping into stories I've already read several times. Perhaps there is comfort there that part of me needs, I don't know.
Christmas time is usually a season I enjoy, in fact, used to get quite emotionally mushy about. Not so much now. I don't know why, except that it is harder and harder to see the magic in a season that seems to start with ads as close to Halloween as possible. It isn't about gifts and buying, not really. The season is really about a gift given to us, and how we need to respond from our hearts, not from our wallets. All the touchiness about whether people say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. Totally missing the point. If you count yourself a Christian, stop being so incensed about Happy Holidays. You are not really celebrating the time Christ was born, you know. He was likely born in Spring. You are celebrating the occurrence during the time when the ancient Romans used to celebrate the Feast of the Saturnalia, because the first century Church couldn't openly celebrate at the appropriate time. During December, the Romans were too drunk, hung-over, or stuffed with food to care what the Christians might be doing, so they celebrated the gift of Christ's birth then, when nobody would notice and feed them to the lions. Also, just how do you think Jesus feels about this? What was His first rule? LOVE. That's right, Love God, love your NEIGHBOR. (Even your Jewish, Atheist, Muslim, or Pagan neighbor.) Griping at them about "Happy Holidays" is NOT love.
No soul ever found its way truly into God's love by being bullied, chided, or openly persecuted. You can't change people's minds by being hateful. You only drive them further away.
There are no elegant solutions for anything in this world, far as I know. Problem solving is hard, dirty work. Compromise is NOT a dirty word, it is a necessary tool.
Pain that does not go away, physical pain, is something that seeps into every part of your existence and strangles it. We need to do more for those who suffer chronic pain than throw opioids at them. That's the last thing they need. I have recently had a battle with chronic back pain, and I find stretching and strengthening exercises helpful. Not everyone will. I have steadfastly refused any pain reliever stronger than a single Ibuprofen, simply because I do NOT want to deal with the undesirable side effects. I'd rather hurt, frankly.
Gardens are wonderful things, but they require far too much work for me anymore. I am slowly transforming what we have into things that can suffer benign neglect. It still looks awful out there in winter, but at least Spring still has promise.
I think I've about run out of gas for this post.
Thank you for tolerating my navel gazing.
Today, for some reason, that changed.
I was looking out the kitchen window as I sipped my fresh, very hot coffee, and realized I did have things that I should write before the images got away.
So, apropos of absolutely nothing, here are my observations that have been a long time coming.
The neighborhood wakes up in stages. Matt is one of the first group to leave for work, when it is still dark out, and all is quiet. By the time I make it staggeringly out to the coffeemaker (thank God for programmable coffee makers) there are more folks out and about, getting ready to leave for work.
I am sure we all get up and stumble around inside where no one can see us FAR earlier than the outward signs of life would suggest. This neighborhood is well designed for such privacy. Ours is one of the few houses with a kitchen window on the front wall.
So, we wake up, we sustain ourselves with caffeine and food, and we make our way out into the world. Later, about the time I finally get around to my walk, there are those out doing things around the yard, or running errands. These are the retirees, or the ones like me that work different hours, or the stay at homes, who are rare.
I think perhaps I have been battling off depression. I have had no desire to do the things I know I should do, or even the things I used to enjoy. My reading even has degenerated into escaping into stories I've already read several times. Perhaps there is comfort there that part of me needs, I don't know.
Christmas time is usually a season I enjoy, in fact, used to get quite emotionally mushy about. Not so much now. I don't know why, except that it is harder and harder to see the magic in a season that seems to start with ads as close to Halloween as possible. It isn't about gifts and buying, not really. The season is really about a gift given to us, and how we need to respond from our hearts, not from our wallets. All the touchiness about whether people say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. Totally missing the point. If you count yourself a Christian, stop being so incensed about Happy Holidays. You are not really celebrating the time Christ was born, you know. He was likely born in Spring. You are celebrating the occurrence during the time when the ancient Romans used to celebrate the Feast of the Saturnalia, because the first century Church couldn't openly celebrate at the appropriate time. During December, the Romans were too drunk, hung-over, or stuffed with food to care what the Christians might be doing, so they celebrated the gift of Christ's birth then, when nobody would notice and feed them to the lions. Also, just how do you think Jesus feels about this? What was His first rule? LOVE. That's right, Love God, love your NEIGHBOR. (Even your Jewish, Atheist, Muslim, or Pagan neighbor.) Griping at them about "Happy Holidays" is NOT love.
No soul ever found its way truly into God's love by being bullied, chided, or openly persecuted. You can't change people's minds by being hateful. You only drive them further away.
There are no elegant solutions for anything in this world, far as I know. Problem solving is hard, dirty work. Compromise is NOT a dirty word, it is a necessary tool.
Pain that does not go away, physical pain, is something that seeps into every part of your existence and strangles it. We need to do more for those who suffer chronic pain than throw opioids at them. That's the last thing they need. I have recently had a battle with chronic back pain, and I find stretching and strengthening exercises helpful. Not everyone will. I have steadfastly refused any pain reliever stronger than a single Ibuprofen, simply because I do NOT want to deal with the undesirable side effects. I'd rather hurt, frankly.
Gardens are wonderful things, but they require far too much work for me anymore. I am slowly transforming what we have into things that can suffer benign neglect. It still looks awful out there in winter, but at least Spring still has promise.
I think I've about run out of gas for this post.
Thank you for tolerating my navel gazing.
Friday, May 25, 2018
Of Aging, Innui, And Daydreams
I wish I knew why gloomy weather suddenly seems to sap my energy. I used to love rainy days, perhaps because in Southern California they were so rare. Now, I see them as another impediment to things I need or want to do. Ground is going to be too wet to mow tomorrow, and the yard really needs mowing. Walking outdoors is so much more restorative than using the elliptical trainer, but wet pavement is not something I feel like slipping and sliding on at my age.
This brings up another topic. Age. I do not feel in my soul that I am an old lady, but the image in the mirror begs to differ. My body also gets in on the conversation with knees and hips and lower back all telling me the weather was changing last night. The knobby knuckles from arthritis aren't painful, but they make simple tasks less simple. Buttons, hooks, zippers, handling small objects, all are more difficult than they used to be. I really despise the faucets in the bathtub. The are fluted knobs, and I cannot be certain I've turned them all the way off, ever. They hurt my hands. We have levers to replace them with, but that is one of those jobs that has never gotten done.
The lack of energy or enthusiasm for doing that sort of job is a function of aging and having a less cooperative body, too. Matt has far more flexibility and dexterity issues than I do, and I lack the knowledge he possesses. If there were room to work in there together, perhaps we could do it ourselves, but we are loath to try, possibly fearing irreparable damage to both the plumbing and our marriage.
I should have been up with plenty of energy to do my workouts this morning, but instead, I have been a slug, lingering over coffee, finally finishing reading a library book I need to return, avoiding any chores but simple domestic things like the dishes, starting dinner in the crock pot, and starting a load of towels in the laundry. I blame the weather, and the fact that because of my arthritis and that changing weather, getting to sleep last night was no picnic, and one can only take so much ibuprofen and drink so much gin before the dangers outweigh the possible benefits.
There are numerous photos on my phone from our trip. I keep meaning to download and organize those in order to post them here, but again, attention span not long enough. I have three books going at any one time, and I have been working on reading the same three for the last several months. Just can't stick with one long enough to get through it. Also, have to keep backtracking to make sure I know what I'm looking at, so slow going all around. They are all topics I am interested in, I just can't seem to hang in there and finish at least one of the books.
This brings up another topic. Age. I do not feel in my soul that I am an old lady, but the image in the mirror begs to differ. My body also gets in on the conversation with knees and hips and lower back all telling me the weather was changing last night. The knobby knuckles from arthritis aren't painful, but they make simple tasks less simple. Buttons, hooks, zippers, handling small objects, all are more difficult than they used to be. I really despise the faucets in the bathtub. The are fluted knobs, and I cannot be certain I've turned them all the way off, ever. They hurt my hands. We have levers to replace them with, but that is one of those jobs that has never gotten done.
The lack of energy or enthusiasm for doing that sort of job is a function of aging and having a less cooperative body, too. Matt has far more flexibility and dexterity issues than I do, and I lack the knowledge he possesses. If there were room to work in there together, perhaps we could do it ourselves, but we are loath to try, possibly fearing irreparable damage to both the plumbing and our marriage.
I should have been up with plenty of energy to do my workouts this morning, but instead, I have been a slug, lingering over coffee, finally finishing reading a library book I need to return, avoiding any chores but simple domestic things like the dishes, starting dinner in the crock pot, and starting a load of towels in the laundry. I blame the weather, and the fact that because of my arthritis and that changing weather, getting to sleep last night was no picnic, and one can only take so much ibuprofen and drink so much gin before the dangers outweigh the possible benefits.
There are numerous photos on my phone from our trip. I keep meaning to download and organize those in order to post them here, but again, attention span not long enough. I have three books going at any one time, and I have been working on reading the same three for the last several months. Just can't stick with one long enough to get through it. Also, have to keep backtracking to make sure I know what I'm looking at, so slow going all around. They are all topics I am interested in, I just can't seem to hang in there and finish at least one of the books.
Saturday, May 19, 2018
A Long Journey, A Trip, And A Search For Perspective -or- Yet More Bits And Pieces
I haven't written in this blog for what feels like forever. Mostly because I haven't had anything I felt was worthwhile or ready to share.
Also, I was preparing for our two week vacation in Manhattan.
Leading up to the trip, instead of being really excited about going, I was fighting off a feeling of depression, of not wanting to bother on the one hand, and knowing we needed the break on the other. Of course, being the obsessive fussbudget that I am, I was worrying about all sorts of things that would never happen, and over-packing, and making endless lists right up until the last minute.
We got out of here with two suitcases apiece, and each with a very small carry-on. (No overhead bin battles for us. If it won't fit under the seat in front of us, we check it.)
Started March off with a few nice quotes. I didn't really write in my journal in March. Only tried to do some activity planning for New York, and complained about the weather and how busy the library was.
Then, before I knew it, April had arrived.
I may have to edit this again, because I could swear I typed in a couple of journal entries earlier, but they aren't showing up here.
Souvenir Collage. I don't know why it posted portrait, when it shows in downloads as landscape...
And again, the Blogger editor is turning my photos when I do not want it to...
Also, I was preparing for our two week vacation in Manhattan.
Leading up to the trip, instead of being really excited about going, I was fighting off a feeling of depression, of not wanting to bother on the one hand, and knowing we needed the break on the other. Of course, being the obsessive fussbudget that I am, I was worrying about all sorts of things that would never happen, and over-packing, and making endless lists right up until the last minute.
We got out of here with two suitcases apiece, and each with a very small carry-on. (No overhead bin battles for us. If it won't fit under the seat in front of us, we check it.)
Then, before I knew it, April had arrived.
I may have to edit this again, because I could swear I typed in a couple of journal entries earlier, but they aren't showing up here.
From the Journal:
April 3, 2018
I know, I know. It's a studio in Midtown East, not a luxury apartment on Central Park West, But it's got a huge rooftop terrace, not a tiny balcony. A PRIVATE rooftop terrace, with a fence around it.
I can hope, can't I?
It isn't far from the park, according to the maps.
We'll be there in about 2 weeks...
Could he come visit me?
I know I 'm not Catherine, not even close, but I'm a friend.
Maybe he'll be able to come, and enjoy the view from our temporary terrace. Maybe.
In my dreams, perhaps, for that is where Vincent and his world exist, in dreams.
April 5, 2018
My brain keeps wanting it to be next week. I keep putting the wrong dates on things.
Maybe I really am looking forward to vacation? I don't know.
Screaming tantrum child in the library!
(Oh, thank God, they left. Blessed quiet has returned.)
Poor Kid. Just wanted to stay and play in the library!
Time plays tricks on me, sleep eludes me, my blood pressure is up - I have aches and pains in odd places.
Hoping to spend at least a little time with our friend - not sure he will have the time to spare, Want to see him, just to make sure he is well. I need one of his hugs, too. His heart is huge, like the characters he played that I love so much. He treasures his friends, and we treasure him. He's the real deal, kind and good, and dedicated to his ideals.
We have other friends we need to check on, and hope to see, too. Pretty certain we'll see Linda, and our friend Chris from St. Paul's wants to meet us for dinner or something.
April 14, 2018
About to leave on vacation
Flying out so early is going to make me be overtired and dehydrated.
I just hope everything goes smoothly with our travel and check in. Then some nice weather would be helpful. The wind here today has been strong and COLD.
Hope I'm warm enough tomorrow.
April 15, 2018
After a very long day, we are in a very small studio apartment in Midtown East Manhattan!
We are actually watching TV in bed because even though we are TIRED, we are afraid of waking up at 3am wide awake.
Made a few plans for tomorrow...
April 16, 2018
Went on a short trip to Target that turned into an epic adventure in how wrong navigation apps can be.
Matt's app had us all turned around. Mine seemed to work better.
Went to Niall's pub last night- excellent fish and chips, Jameson's today. Good soup for lunch.
Met a wee Scottie Dog named Angus, after the books
Rode the E train to W 34th Street to Target, home the same way - off to the same train, same stop for the showing of Sergio and Sergei tonight!
April 17, 2018
So far, this trip hasn't been a whole lot of fun. Our flights were crowded and uncomfortable. Matt got us turned the wrong way monday, and I did yesterday. Last night, he had a sugar crash on the way home from Sergio and Sergei. Had to get a soda for him as soon as we got off the subway, and then we made it around the corner to the pub, and got him some real food.
Sergio and Sergei was really good, and we also met Angus the dog yesterday, so not as bad as all that.
April 19, 2018
Made it safely to and from Hello, Dolly! yesterday.
The musical was wonderful, it ended up that we were front row center! We saw the show a bit more up close and personal than we were expecting!
Today's journey to the NYPL worked well. We wandered around the building and Bryant Park. We tried a little Italian place around the corner form the apartment for late lunch/early supper, then went to Niall's again for a light supper - late for us, after 6pm.
April 20, 2018
Finally made it to Central Park, and found "the" bench.
We also stopped for lunch at Fogo de Chao, went to MOMA's Design Shop - only got turned around wrong once on the way home - only about 2 blocks out of our way.
I got a few souvenirs, and we had quite a walk.
We went to the pub again for a light late supper, and I had an Irish coffee. Delicious!
April 23, 2018
We had a successful, if taxing, outing yesterday. Went to the Tribeca film festival and saw To Dust. Met Linda first, had lunch, went to sit in little park before the screening. Got to say hello to Ron and get a quick hug and a thanks for coming! He knew we were on vacation and made time for this - we also told him we went to see Sergio and Sergei, and he was very happy that we had, and glad we enjoyed it.
To Dust is a wonderful film, by the way. A good story, funny, moving, sad, just good. You should see it.
This morning I did some laundry, and now we are going to attempt another adventure...
Made it to the 9/11 memorial. A very moving place, even full of tourists.
I want to go back to our memorial in the evening when the chairs are lighted.
I want to go back to our memorial in the evening when the chairs are lighted.
The order of magnitude at the World Trade Center is just so much more vast, so many, many more people lost. So many lives gone. I could feel something there, as though those lost know that they are grieved and remembered by an entire nation. There is an energy there - I felt it. Made me want to cry. Especially when I thought of all the first responders lost, among them many who came to help us in Oklahoma City after our bombing.
The outdoor memorial is extremely well done, and their Survivor Tree is a pear tree, and was in bloom when we were there. Not a stinky Bradford pear, but a Callery Pear, so the blossoms smell sweet.
April 24, 2018
We made it to the Met!
So many beautiful things!
The whole building is a work of art - even the staircases are often saved from significant buildings, and incorporated in the Met. There is one from the Chicago Stock Exchange. You find out these things both from the intrinsic beauty of the staircase, or ceiling, or doorway, and from the tasteful little plaque with information on it posted nearby.
We became members of the Met because it gives us a discount at the shops, and online, too. So affecting, the art works we saw today. One painting of a castle, or gate with towers haunts me because the scene "feels" familiar. Why, I have no idea. The painting is of a structure somewhere in France. Mom's side of the family had a bunch of Norman French - the Roach family.
Most of the rest are Scots and Welsh, Pop's side has some Irish and a tiny bit of German.
Time to sleep. I feel as though I zone out just sitting here.
April 25, 2018
Feeling bummed today. Raining again, couldn't get into the Natural History Museum - 9 billion student tour groups in attendance-
so- walked a bit in the park went "home" and then went tp Grand Central Terminal. Very pretty building. Had lunch at the Oyster Bar - no oysters though, because neither of us likes them.
Fried fish was delicious, though.
April 26, 2018
One thing I learned yesterday
- The Oyster Bar has great fried fish, but their french fries suck.
What else I've learned on this trip:
- A Guinness every evening helps me sleep through the NYC street noise.
- I buy too many magnets as souvenirs.
- Coins are going in a plastic bag so I can pull them out where security can see them easily.
- I tire of novelty quickly and would rather stay close to a familiar place than go traipsing all over town.
- My digestion hates me, and wishes me to suffer,
_ Chinese food comes in VERY generous portions, so order what you can face for the next few days -
_ It is good to meet old friends always.
April 30, 2018
Home, and trying to write a blog post.
Listening to Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy, and was struck again by these lines from We All Fall In Love Sometimes
"Beneath these branches, I once wrote such childish words for you..."
Brain not wanting to settle and let me write.
May 1, 2018
Oh city with so many faces;
Crowded little swath of land between rivers and sea
When I'm away,
I miss you
Your abundant art,
Your multitude of worlds
All in such a small space, really.
But when I'm there;
You intimidate me
Make me feel confined
And like there's too much input
For me to process,
I can't find my way around
And I feel both
Emotionally and physically crowded.
And so now, you haunt my dreams
Subway squeals and the wind from an incoming train,
The sound of traffic going over the temporary road repairs,
I hear them still, still feel the motion of trains or elevators
Whenever I close my eyes.
I am not safe around this pen today.
I've gotten ink all over my hands. I only hope it's not on my face or my new scarf!
May 4, 2018
Truly know we are home- spent a long night the night before last watching the weather.
On the patio now enjoying the light breeze, but regretting the glare that hurts my eyes.
Looking through old notebooks, I found a poem I really like, that I wrote a few years back, but I don't recall sharing it anywhere.
Here it is:
Silence
By C.K. Armistead 2015
And silence
Is the loudest
Thing there is.
Blocking out hope
Enforcing barriers
Covering all
And nothing.
But sometimes
It is necessary
So we can hear
The quiet voice
And learn more
Before we make
A choice.
Rather than say
A word that may harm,
Silence is at least
More warm
It leaves a comfort
That a cruel word
Removes
Like a scab torn off
A healing wound.
Yet silence can also
Fester
Letting miscommunication
Linger
Breeding sadness, anger,
Misunderstanding.
So, To let Silence grow,
Or to break it?
Much depends
Upon the reason
It is there.
Listen to the Silence.
It will tell you, perhaps
What sort it is.
Or, your heart will.
I find myself carting my journal writing stuff around the house with me like some kind of security blanket.
May 16, 218
Adventures In Getting Older: Part VIII
Had a ganglion cyst on my left middle finger that showed up before our trip to New York.
Yesterday afternoon, it decided it was infected. Got really sore, really red, and finger got swollen.
So, called the clinic this AM, and they sent me to the local urgent care.
Cyst has been drained and a culture taken.
I get to soak it in Epsom Salts twice a day, and take antibiotics 3 x a day for 10 days.
BIG bandage on it right now. I get to take it off for soaking later and replace it with a smaller one.
Still working on the blog post about our trip,. We left a MONTH ago yesterday.
That's about all I can glean for right now. I have a lot percolating around in my head. Whether any of it produces a decent brew and gets itself onto the page is another story...
Truly know we are home- spent a long night the night before last watching the weather.
On the patio now enjoying the light breeze, but regretting the glare that hurts my eyes.
Looking through old notebooks, I found a poem I really like, that I wrote a few years back, but I don't recall sharing it anywhere.
Here it is:
Silence
By C.K. Armistead 2015
And silence
Is the loudest
Thing there is.
Blocking out hope
Enforcing barriers
Covering all
And nothing.
But sometimes
It is necessary
So we can hear
The quiet voice
And learn more
Before we make
A choice.
Rather than say
A word that may harm,
Silence is at least
More warm
It leaves a comfort
That a cruel word
Removes
Like a scab torn off
A healing wound.
Yet silence can also
Fester
Letting miscommunication
Linger
Breeding sadness, anger,
Misunderstanding.
So, To let Silence grow,
Or to break it?
Much depends
Upon the reason
It is there.
Listen to the Silence.
It will tell you, perhaps
What sort it is.
Or, your heart will.
I find myself carting my journal writing stuff around the house with me like some kind of security blanket.
May 16, 218
Adventures In Getting Older: Part VIII
Had a ganglion cyst on my left middle finger that showed up before our trip to New York.
Yesterday afternoon, it decided it was infected. Got really sore, really red, and finger got swollen.
So, called the clinic this AM, and they sent me to the local urgent care.
Cyst has been drained and a culture taken.
I get to soak it in Epsom Salts twice a day, and take antibiotics 3 x a day for 10 days.
BIG bandage on it right now. I get to take it off for soaking later and replace it with a smaller one.
Still working on the blog post about our trip,. We left a MONTH ago yesterday.
That's about all I can glean for right now. I have a lot percolating around in my head. Whether any of it produces a decent brew and gets itself onto the page is another story...
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Time Like An Ever-Rolling Stream
...Seems to keep going on and leaving me behind, gasping on the shore.
I have survived Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, and Ash Wednesday. Again. My birthday is fast approaching, (and I don't want to think about which one THIS is,) and my Birthday Vacation Week has been beset by freezing rain and sleet, and all manner of unpleasant weather.
On to the Journal. Some of the entries are drawings or collages this year. I will attempt to upload photos, but I make no promises on the quality thereof.
January 3. 2018
My words: Even the mighty sun must give the cold its due.
Sun at last but still COLD!
Hearts see what eyes cannot
Rumi's words:
"Lo, I am with you always means when you look for God,
God is in the look of your eyes,
In the thought of looking,
nearer to you than your self,
or things that have happened to you.
There is no need to go outside."
-Vincent and Catherine snuggled up together reading on their ledge in the chamber of the falls
_ Arthur rolled up in a ball sleeping in his corner of Mouse's "Mouse Hole"
- The many bright candles in Father's study, lighting reading, studying, listening, and sharing.
- Just a few BATB scenes that make me feel warm and cozy on a Winter's day.
Pauses are important. Especially in music.
There is no joy so transcendent as being fully engaged in singing or playing. Music fills in the empty places-gives voice to the hidden things, observes with great diligence the silences.
January 4, 2018
-The idea was to write more. Why the artwork all the sudden?
*The idea is to create, and writing is creative, and often requires little visual reminders or idea generators.
THAT is why the collages.
The days are so busy at work -
I guess everyone was resolved to use their library more this year!
The World is too much with us- too demanding of my attention.
Too busy to play with my art work -
Too busy to rest -
After I get done on the desk I have to set up for Zumba. It's a busy night!
January 4, 2018
My words: It means something when a film will not let you go...
From the film: "Unable to perceive the Shape Of You,
I find you all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with your love, It humbles my heart. For You are everywhere."
January 5, 2018
Minor inconveniences
But sometimes
The build up of them
Becomes an avalanche
Of awfulness.
Frustration.
Anxiety.
A feeling that
We cannot even
Handle the small
Business of life
So no wonder
The Whole world seems
So messed up.
That is why anything that makes us stop and really think is always so welcome. Shape of Water is one of those things that arrests your ever-tumbling mind.
Makes you ponder
Makes you wonder
About the true nature of love
And about which things
Really matter.
Makes that mountain
Of annoyances
Back into just
A little bunch
Of annoying things
Reminds you
That we can do this
We can make the world better
If we remember how to love.
January 6, 2018
His world: A secret place
Far Below the City streets
Safe from hate and harm
Her world: Where the Wealthy and the Powerful rule...
I'm just a sucker for fairy tales...
A love like no other -
When a story is so well presented, characters so compelling and brought so skillfully to life,
It's no wonder 30 years later we still share the Dream.
The day is called Epiphany.
A discovery
When the Wise Men found the Christ Child
Christmas is officially over now.
So far this day
I have discovered that I don't know what I'm doing with the Paint program
And that this desk is very busy today
And I'm tired.
Story Idea: It's very cold in NYC, in fact, a blizzard has blown up
So far, nothing is causing a problem for the world Below, but some of their helpers are suffering a bit.
Power outages have caused some to seek refuge Below - mostly the elderly.
Catherine is just getting over a bad cold,and has been reluctant to bring germs Below-
Vincent senses something wrong through the bond, but the weather ( and time of day) make it impossible for him to go to her - so he recruits Peter, who takes Kanin with him (Just in case Catherine needs to be carried)
They get her to Vincent, who takes her to Father...
From this point a story of getting warm and sharing warmth, of many kinds, as only the Tunnel family can.
It was all still so new- this situation
...and saw the gold band on his finger...
That ring
The weight of it
The promises it represented.
It's truth -
That he was hers and she his
The responsibility it represented
It was more than just his right, it was his duty to be with her in this, as in all things.
Not that long ago, he would have run from being this close to her, even though she needed his physical warmth like this - It was a glorious and also daunting thing to actually BE as responsible for her well-being as he had always felt himself to be.
That she felt responsible for his well being also went without saying. She took every precaution to protect him,and this world.
If only she would see taking care of herself, her health, as part of taking care of him, because it was.
He knew she did many things above to protect both him and his world, but she still ran herself ragged, working too hard, doing too much, and not letting him and his family take care of her.
He sighed as he looked at her next to him. So cold, so worn out, so determined not to be a burden, not to appear to be getting "special treatment." Never mind that she was one of them, and also a Helper who did far more than most realized, she felt she couldn't "impose" on this world with her needs.
That would end. He would see to it. She would be made to understand that he and their family here WANTED to take care of her, NEEDED to give back at least a little to one who so unselfishly gave so much to them. The physical closeness was no longer a source of fear to him, but a source of chagrin, sometimes. He often felt, since they married, as though he couldn't keep his hands off of her. She seemed equally unable to keep from touching him - whenever they were in the same room. Well, they were still newlyweds, but all of his hard-won self control seemed to have fled with the discovery that Catherine was right about their bond, that he simply COULDN'T hurt her, even when "lost" in passion because ALL of him loved her.
She had stopped shivering . He held her close to him his sense of her conveying the rest and recuperation taking place. Everything in both of them improved when they were close.
He reflected that there were things he knew about her now that he hadn't before - The taste of the skin right where her neck sloped out toward her shoulders, the delicacy of her ears, and how his nibbling at them could send both fire and shivers through her, and make her moan with pleasure and reach back for him, if he snuck up behind her and "assaulted" her earlobe.
He knew how completely icy her feet could be at night, and that she loved to place them on him - legs or back, in order to warm them - she now knew that he snarled when surprised like that.
He looked at her finally peaceful face - she was warm now. Of course she was. She was at last home. Safe. In his arms. In their bed. In the heart of a community that loved them both.
(See the completed story "If We Had No Winter" at
http://absentmindedwanderings.blogspot.com/2018/01/if-we-had-no-winter-post-for-winterfest.html )
January 7, 2018
Such a cold, dark, rainy, depressing day.
At least Discovery is back.
And Shape of Water only won Best Director and Best Original Score at the Golden Globes -
When do Oscar noms come out?
And tomorrow is Monday.
Oy...
January 9, 2018
Something feels "off"
Like maybe I have a sinus infection
My head is fuzzy and achy
I have muscle aches
I'm cold a lot
I have a headache that never completely goes away.
Bits of stories trickling out...
Finding their way onto these pages, I'm hoping I find them all when I start actually writing...
Jamuary11, 2018
Star Trek: My first obsession with a television show.
The first show that made me
dream, gave me hope -
A big part of my life, and our culture.
So many things have inspired me over the years, but only Beauty and the Beast has allowed me to write decent fan fiction.
Maybe because it's all about relationship and love, and the world it exists in is so well know to all us fans, whereas Star Trek is very fluid in location, though is also primarily concerned with relationships and values.
Was very much wanting to be home curled up with a good book the day I made this. I actually had time to do this while on the Circ Desk, it was that slow. When I do things like this on the desk, customers are interested. They really liked it when we had the "adult coloring for stress reduction" program going, and I'd work on a coloring project on the desk, and hand out flyers about the program to any customer who asked about my coloring.
This was a day I wanted to remember how the light looked as I drove to my voice lesson. A storm was moving in, and changing the direction and quality of the light. It was surreal.
January 18, 2018
Work has been joyful lately in spite of short- handed shifts and lots of challenges.
Being able to help people, even if just by finding a misplaced hold, has been very fulfilling lately.
I like being able to make someone's day better.
January 22, 2018
Such a strange time.
Government shutdowns -
Having to shop off- base
because the commissary will be short-stocked, if not closed altogether.
Feeling like I'm coming down with a cold - Matt, too, but hoping it doesn't end up being flu- he hasn't had a flu shot.
Fuzzy edges
On the world
On my thoughts
My limbs leaden
Too heavy to move
Freezing and then roasting-
Is it an illness, hormones, or allergies?
Who knows?
My head that
Alternates
Between feeling
Like a barely tethered
Helium balloon
And a concrete block
January 24, 2018
Still trying not to be
Snot: The Slimer of Worlds
Not entirely succeeding.
There are things I need to keep in mind. Some of the favorites I have saved off of calendars, etc.
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abraham Lincoln
"Snap out of it!" - Mary Engelbreit
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength." - a long time favorite from Mary Engelbreit, not sure where the quote came from.
"Don't confuse your path with your destination.
Just because it's stormy now, doesn't mean that your aren't headed for sunshine. - from a calendar I had last year.
"If you pray for rain, be prepared to deal with some mud."
And an old favorite, "Bloom where you are planted."
February 1, 2018
I don't know why this one is upside down, nor am I sure how to fix it just now. (And I've had a margarita already tonight, so no, I'm not going to try that right now.)
My notes say:
(pointing to the Dove sentiment "Go where your heart takes you") Sounds like a paraphrase of Vincent - "Follow your heart."
Birthdays celebrate the gift of time.
We celebrate the gift of you.
-from a card I got years ago. It's such a lovely sentiment.
Ah, February- Hearts and flowers and Valentine's Day; and my birthday later on!
Still cool, but no snow. Sun is warm, though.
"...and even though it's snowing,
Violets are growing. I know why and so do you..."
"I have phrases and whole pages memorized, but nothing can be told of love." - Rumi
"We are, as a species, addicted to story.
Even when the body goes to sleep,
the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories." - Jonathan Gottshall
I have told some stories. Now to see if others enjoy them. One of them came from notes in this journal.
February 3, 2018
Still winter.
As the edge on the wind
and the pale quality of the
sunlight
remind us.
Yet a bird's territorial song
And a Chickadee's scold,
Along with swelling buds
On the trees
Say
Spring is not far away.
Would that our hearts
Could know such a
Renewal
For these days are cold
And hard emotionally.
So many things
Want my attention
Yet my butterfly mind
Refuses to settle
On any one thing.
February 7, 2018
One again with the short bits -
Wednesdays are busy at our library.
The water is out at the library again - probably for just one hour - we HOPE
I look at the piled up annoyances in my life,, and I say no WONDER my blood pressure is up.
Have to plan a wardrobe for two weeks in NYC. Don't have budget to buy much - don't need much other than comfortable slip- ons I can walk in.
Tis the time of year for the library's least favorite question: "Do you have tax forms?"
February 14, 2018
Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday, all in ONE!
Get your chocolate early, get your ashes later...
New sorter has arrived at the library. We are in the process of installation.
Very nice young man is our tech.
About 45 minutes left to work today.
Then it's home and a LONG walk. I was lazy this morning; I need to make up for it.
THEN, we have Ash Wednesday evening service instead of choir rehearsal.
That's the last of the journal entries. Life has kind of been either too busy or too "meh" for me to write much the last eight days or so.
I am on my annual "birthday vacation week" this week, so the weather closings have not affected me, except to make me stir crazy! It's been a pretty crappy vacation, stuck in the house except for Tuesday when I went to the Commissary, and incidentally, spent WAY LESS MONEY for my groceries and paper goods than I did last month when I had to shop off base because of Cheeto Head and his shutdown.
The commissary is a major benefit.
One reason this blog has been so neglected is that I have been actually writing something besides journal posts and poetry for a change. I have written some fan fiction stories, and most of them can be found on my new blog,
https://absentmindedwanderings.blogspot.com/
All of my fan fiction is about the 1987- 90 TV series Beauty and the Beast, and I write "classic" BATB fiction, which means the third season didn't happen, Catherine is still alive and well.
I have survived Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, and Ash Wednesday. Again. My birthday is fast approaching, (and I don't want to think about which one THIS is,) and my Birthday Vacation Week has been beset by freezing rain and sleet, and all manner of unpleasant weather.
On to the Journal. Some of the entries are drawings or collages this year. I will attempt to upload photos, but I make no promises on the quality thereof.
January 3. 2018
My words: Even the mighty sun must give the cold its due.
Sun at last but still COLD!
Hearts see what eyes cannot
Rumi's words:
"Lo, I am with you always means when you look for God,
God is in the look of your eyes,
In the thought of looking,
nearer to you than your self,
or things that have happened to you.
There is no need to go outside."
-Vincent and Catherine snuggled up together reading on their ledge in the chamber of the falls
_ Arthur rolled up in a ball sleeping in his corner of Mouse's "Mouse Hole"
- The many bright candles in Father's study, lighting reading, studying, listening, and sharing.
- Just a few BATB scenes that make me feel warm and cozy on a Winter's day.
Music is VERY necessary.
I NEED to sing.
There is no joy so transcendent as being fully engaged in singing or playing. Music fills in the empty places-gives voice to the hidden things, observes with great diligence the silences.
January 4, 2018
-The idea was to write more. Why the artwork all the sudden?
*The idea is to create, and writing is creative, and often requires little visual reminders or idea generators.
THAT is why the collages.
The days are so busy at work -
I guess everyone was resolved to use their library more this year!
The World is too much with us- too demanding of my attention.
Too busy to play with my art work -
Too busy to rest -
After I get done on the desk I have to set up for Zumba. It's a busy night!
January 4, 2018
From the film: "Unable to perceive the Shape Of You,
I find you all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with your love, It humbles my heart. For You are everywhere."
January 5, 2018
Minor inconveniences
But sometimes
The build up of them
Becomes an avalanche
Of awfulness.
Frustration.
Anxiety.
A feeling that
We cannot even
Handle the small
Business of life
So no wonder
The Whole world seems
So messed up.
That is why anything that makes us stop and really think is always so welcome. Shape of Water is one of those things that arrests your ever-tumbling mind.
Makes you ponder
Makes you wonder
About the true nature of love
And about which things
Really matter.
Makes that mountain
Of annoyances
Back into just
A little bunch
Of annoying things
Reminds you
That we can do this
We can make the world better
If we remember how to love.
January 6, 2018
His world: A secret place
Far Below the City streets
Safe from hate and harm
Her world: Where the Wealthy and the Powerful rule...
I'm just a sucker for fairy tales...
A love like no other -
When a story is so well presented, characters so compelling and brought so skillfully to life,
It's no wonder 30 years later we still share the Dream.
The day is called Epiphany.
A discovery
When the Wise Men found the Christ Child
Christmas is officially over now.
So far this day
I have discovered that I don't know what I'm doing with the Paint program
And that this desk is very busy today
And I'm tired.
Story Idea: It's very cold in NYC, in fact, a blizzard has blown up
So far, nothing is causing a problem for the world Below, but some of their helpers are suffering a bit.
Power outages have caused some to seek refuge Below - mostly the elderly.
Catherine is just getting over a bad cold,and has been reluctant to bring germs Below-
Vincent senses something wrong through the bond, but the weather ( and time of day) make it impossible for him to go to her - so he recruits Peter, who takes Kanin with him (Just in case Catherine needs to be carried)
They get her to Vincent, who takes her to Father...
From this point a story of getting warm and sharing warmth, of many kinds, as only the Tunnel family can.
It was all still so new- this situation
...and saw the gold band on his finger...
That ring
The weight of it
The promises it represented.
It's truth -
That he was hers and she his
The responsibility it represented
It was more than just his right, it was his duty to be with her in this, as in all things.
Not that long ago, he would have run from being this close to her, even though she needed his physical warmth like this - It was a glorious and also daunting thing to actually BE as responsible for her well-being as he had always felt himself to be.
That she felt responsible for his well being also went without saying. She took every precaution to protect him,and this world.
If only she would see taking care of herself, her health, as part of taking care of him, because it was.
He knew she did many things above to protect both him and his world, but she still ran herself ragged, working too hard, doing too much, and not letting him and his family take care of her.
He sighed as he looked at her next to him. So cold, so worn out, so determined not to be a burden, not to appear to be getting "special treatment." Never mind that she was one of them, and also a Helper who did far more than most realized, she felt she couldn't "impose" on this world with her needs.
That would end. He would see to it. She would be made to understand that he and their family here WANTED to take care of her, NEEDED to give back at least a little to one who so unselfishly gave so much to them. The physical closeness was no longer a source of fear to him, but a source of chagrin, sometimes. He often felt, since they married, as though he couldn't keep his hands off of her. She seemed equally unable to keep from touching him - whenever they were in the same room. Well, they were still newlyweds, but all of his hard-won self control seemed to have fled with the discovery that Catherine was right about their bond, that he simply COULDN'T hurt her, even when "lost" in passion because ALL of him loved her.
She had stopped shivering . He held her close to him his sense of her conveying the rest and recuperation taking place. Everything in both of them improved when they were close.
He reflected that there were things he knew about her now that he hadn't before - The taste of the skin right where her neck sloped out toward her shoulders, the delicacy of her ears, and how his nibbling at them could send both fire and shivers through her, and make her moan with pleasure and reach back for him, if he snuck up behind her and "assaulted" her earlobe.
He knew how completely icy her feet could be at night, and that she loved to place them on him - legs or back, in order to warm them - she now knew that he snarled when surprised like that.
He looked at her finally peaceful face - she was warm now. Of course she was. She was at last home. Safe. In his arms. In their bed. In the heart of a community that loved them both.
(See the completed story "If We Had No Winter" at
http://absentmindedwanderings.blogspot.com/2018/01/if-we-had-no-winter-post-for-winterfest.html )
January 7, 2018
Such a cold, dark, rainy, depressing day.
At least Discovery is back.
And Shape of Water only won Best Director and Best Original Score at the Golden Globes -
When do Oscar noms come out?
And tomorrow is Monday.
Oy...
January 9, 2018
Something feels "off"
Like maybe I have a sinus infection
My head is fuzzy and achy
I have muscle aches
I'm cold a lot
I have a headache that never completely goes away.
Bits of stories trickling out...
Finding their way onto these pages, I'm hoping I find them all when I start actually writing...
Jamuary11, 2018
Star Trek: My first obsession with a television show.
The first show that made me
dream, gave me hope -
A big part of my life, and our culture.
So many things have inspired me over the years, but only Beauty and the Beast has allowed me to write decent fan fiction.
Maybe because it's all about relationship and love, and the world it exists in is so well know to all us fans, whereas Star Trek is very fluid in location, though is also primarily concerned with relationships and values.
January 18, 2018
Work has been joyful lately in spite of short- handed shifts and lots of challenges.
Being able to help people, even if just by finding a misplaced hold, has been very fulfilling lately.
I like being able to make someone's day better.
January 22, 2018
Such a strange time.
Government shutdowns -
Having to shop off- base
because the commissary will be short-stocked, if not closed altogether.
Feeling like I'm coming down with a cold - Matt, too, but hoping it doesn't end up being flu- he hasn't had a flu shot.
Fuzzy edges
On the world
On my thoughts
My limbs leaden
Too heavy to move
Freezing and then roasting-
Is it an illness, hormones, or allergies?
Who knows?
My head that
Alternates
Between feeling
Like a barely tethered
Helium balloon
And a concrete block
January 24, 2018
Still trying not to be
Snot: The Slimer of Worlds
Not entirely succeeding.
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abraham Lincoln
"Snap out of it!" - Mary Engelbreit
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength." - a long time favorite from Mary Engelbreit, not sure where the quote came from.
"Don't confuse your path with your destination.
Just because it's stormy now, doesn't mean that your aren't headed for sunshine. - from a calendar I had last year.
"If you pray for rain, be prepared to deal with some mud."
And an old favorite, "Bloom where you are planted."
February 1, 2018
My notes say:
(pointing to the Dove sentiment "Go where your heart takes you") Sounds like a paraphrase of Vincent - "Follow your heart."
Birthdays celebrate the gift of time.
We celebrate the gift of you.
-from a card I got years ago. It's such a lovely sentiment.
Ah, February- Hearts and flowers and Valentine's Day; and my birthday later on!
Still cool, but no snow. Sun is warm, though.
"...and even though it's snowing,
Violets are growing. I know why and so do you..."
"I have phrases and whole pages memorized, but nothing can be told of love." - Rumi
"We are, as a species, addicted to story.
Even when the body goes to sleep,
the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories." - Jonathan Gottshall
I have told some stories. Now to see if others enjoy them. One of them came from notes in this journal.
February 3, 2018
Still winter.
As the edge on the wind
and the pale quality of the
sunlight
remind us.
Yet a bird's territorial song
And a Chickadee's scold,
Along with swelling buds
On the trees
Say
Spring is not far away.
Would that our hearts
Could know such a
Renewal
For these days are cold
And hard emotionally.
So many things
Want my attention
Yet my butterfly mind
Refuses to settle
On any one thing.
February 7, 2018
One again with the short bits -
Wednesdays are busy at our library.
The water is out at the library again - probably for just one hour - we HOPE
I look at the piled up annoyances in my life,, and I say no WONDER my blood pressure is up.
Have to plan a wardrobe for two weeks in NYC. Don't have budget to buy much - don't need much other than comfortable slip- ons I can walk in.
Tis the time of year for the library's least favorite question: "Do you have tax forms?"
February 14, 2018
Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday, all in ONE!
Get your chocolate early, get your ashes later...
New sorter has arrived at the library. We are in the process of installation.
Very nice young man is our tech.
About 45 minutes left to work today.
Then it's home and a LONG walk. I was lazy this morning; I need to make up for it.
THEN, we have Ash Wednesday evening service instead of choir rehearsal.
That's the last of the journal entries. Life has kind of been either too busy or too "meh" for me to write much the last eight days or so.
I am on my annual "birthday vacation week" this week, so the weather closings have not affected me, except to make me stir crazy! It's been a pretty crappy vacation, stuck in the house except for Tuesday when I went to the Commissary, and incidentally, spent WAY LESS MONEY for my groceries and paper goods than I did last month when I had to shop off base because of Cheeto Head and his shutdown.
The commissary is a major benefit.
One reason this blog has been so neglected is that I have been actually writing something besides journal posts and poetry for a change. I have written some fan fiction stories, and most of them can be found on my new blog,
https://absentmindedwanderings.blogspot.com/
All of my fan fiction is about the 1987- 90 TV series Beauty and the Beast, and I write "classic" BATB fiction, which means the third season didn't happen, Catherine is still alive and well.
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