Time Like An Ever-Rolling Stream

...Seems to keep going on and leaving me behind, gasping on the shore.

I have survived Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, and Ash Wednesday.  Again.  My birthday is fast approaching, (and I don't want to think about which one THIS is,) and my Birthday Vacation Week has been beset by freezing rain and sleet, and all manner of unpleasant weather.

On to the Journal.  Some of the entries are drawings or collages this year.  I will attempt to upload photos, but I make no promises on the quality thereof.

January 3. 2018

My words:  Even the mighty sun must give the cold its due.
Sun at last but still COLD!

Hearts see what eyes cannot

Rumi's words:
"Lo, I am with you always means when you look for God,
God is in the look of your eyes,
In the thought of looking,
 nearer to you than your self,
                                           or things that have happened to you.
                                         There is no need to go outside."


-Vincent and Catherine snuggled up together reading on their ledge in the chamber of the falls
_ Arthur rolled up in a ball sleeping in his corner of Mouse's "Mouse Hole"
- The many bright candles in Father's study, lighting reading, studying, listening, and sharing.
- Just a few BATB scenes that make me feel warm and cozy on a Winter's day.

Music is VERY necessary.  

I NEED to sing.

 

Pauses are important.  Especially in music.

There is no joy so transcendent as being fully engaged in singing or playing.  Music fills in the empty places-gives voice to the hidden things, observes with great diligence the silences.






January 4, 2018

-The idea was to write more.  Why the artwork all the sudden?
*The idea is to create, and writing is creative, and often requires little visual reminders or idea generators.
THAT is why the collages.

The days are so busy at work -
I guess everyone was resolved to use their library more this year!

The World is too much with us- too demanding of my attention.
Too busy to play with my art work -
Too busy to rest -
After I get done on the desk I have to set up for Zumba.  It's a busy night!



January 4, 2018

My words:  It means something when a film will not let you go...

From the film:  "Unable to perceive the Shape Of You,
I find you all around me.  Your presence fills my eyes with your love, It humbles my heart. For You are everywhere."












January 5, 2018

Minor inconveniences
But sometimes
The build up of them
Becomes an avalanche
Of awfulness.
Frustration.
Anxiety.
A feeling that
We cannot even
Handle the small
Business of life
So no wonder
The Whole world seems
So messed up.

That is why anything that makes us stop and really think is always so welcome.  Shape of Water is one of those things that arrests your ever-tumbling mind.
Makes you ponder
Makes you wonder
About the true nature of love
And about which things
Really matter.
Makes that mountain
Of annoyances
Back into just
A little bunch
Of annoying things
Reminds you
That we can do this
We can  make the world better
If we remember how to love.


January 6, 2018

His world: A secret place
Far Below the City streets
Safe from hate and harm


Her world:  Where the Wealthy and the Powerful rule...

I'm just a sucker for fairy tales...

A love like no other -

When a story is so well presented, characters so compelling and brought so skillfully to life,
It's no wonder 30 years later we still share the Dream.


The day is called Epiphany.
A discovery
When the Wise Men found the Christ Child
Christmas is officially over now.

So far this day
I have discovered that I don't know what I'm doing with the Paint program
And that this desk is very busy today
And I'm tired.


Story Idea:  It's very cold in NYC, in fact, a blizzard has blown up
So far, nothing is causing a problem for the world Below, but some of their helpers are suffering a bit.
Power outages have caused some to seek refuge Below - mostly the elderly.
Catherine is just getting over a bad cold,and has been reluctant to bring germs Below-
Vincent senses something wrong through the bond, but the weather  ( and time of day) make it impossible for him to go to her - so he recruits Peter, who takes Kanin with him (Just in case Catherine needs to be carried)
They get her to Vincent, who takes her to Father...
From this point a story of getting warm and sharing warmth, of many kinds, as only the Tunnel family can.
It was all still so new- this situation
...and saw the gold band on his finger...
That ring
The weight of it
 The promises it represented.
It's truth -
That he was hers and she his
The responsibility it represented
It was more than just his right, it was his duty to be with her in this, as in all things.
Not that long ago, he would have run from being this close to her, even though she needed his physical warmth like this - It was a glorious and also daunting thing to actually BE as responsible for her well-being as he had always felt himself to be.
That she felt responsible for his well being also went without saying.  She took every precaution to protect him,and this world.
If only she would see taking care of herself, her health, as part of taking care of him, because it was.
He knew she did many things above to protect both him and his world, but she still ran herself ragged, working too hard, doing too much, and not letting him and his family take care of her.
He sighed as he looked at her next to him.  So cold, so worn out, so determined not to be a burden, not to appear to be getting "special treatment."  Never mind that she was one of them, and also a Helper who did far more than most realized, she felt she couldn't "impose" on this world with her needs.
That would end.  He would see to it.  She would be made to understand that he and their family here WANTED to take care of her, NEEDED to give back at least a little to one who so unselfishly gave so much to them.  The physical closeness was no longer a source of fear to him, but a source of chagrin, sometimes.  He often felt, since they married, as though he couldn't keep his hands off of her.  She seemed equally unable to keep from touching him - whenever they were in the same room.  Well, they were still newlyweds, but all of his hard-won self control seemed to  have fled with the discovery that Catherine was right about their bond, that he simply COULDN'T hurt her, even when "lost" in passion because ALL of him loved her.
She had stopped shivering .  He held her close to him his sense of her conveying the rest and recuperation taking place.  Everything in both of them improved when they were close.
He reflected that there were things he knew about her now that he hadn't  before - The taste of the skin right where her neck sloped out toward her shoulders, the delicacy of her ears, and how his nibbling at them could send both fire and shivers through her, and make her moan with pleasure and reach back for him, if he snuck up behind her and "assaulted"  her earlobe.
He knew how completely icy her feet could be at night, and that she loved to place them on him - legs or back, in order to warm them - she now knew that he snarled when surprised like that.

He looked at her finally peaceful face - she was warm now.  Of course she was.  She was at last home.  Safe. In his arms.  In their bed.  In the heart of a community that loved them both.

(See the completed story "If We Had No Winter" at
  http://absentmindedwanderings.blogspot.com/2018/01/if-we-had-no-winter-post-for-winterfest.html )


January 7, 2018

Such a cold, dark, rainy, depressing day.
At least Discovery is back.
And Shape of Water only won Best Director and Best Original Score at the Golden Globes -

When do Oscar noms come out?

And tomorrow is Monday.
Oy...


January 9, 2018
Something feels "off"
Like maybe I have a sinus infection
My head is fuzzy and achy
I have muscle aches
I'm cold a lot
I have a headache that never completely goes away.

Bits of stories trickling out...
Finding their way onto these pages,  I'm hoping I find them all when I start actually writing...


Jamuary11, 2018

Star Trek:  My first obsession with a television show.

The first show that made me
dream, gave me hope -
A big part of my life, and our culture.












So many things have inspired me over the years, but only  Beauty and the Beast has allowed me to write decent fan fiction.
Maybe because it's  all about relationship and love,  and the world it exists in is so well know to all us fans, whereas Star Trek is very fluid in location, though is also primarily concerned with relationships and values.

Was very much wanting to be home curled up with a good book the day I made this.  I actually had time to do this while on the Circ Desk, it was that slow.  When I do things like this on the desk, customers are interested. They really liked it when we had the "adult coloring for stress reduction" program going, and I'd work on a coloring project on the desk, and hand out flyers about the program to any customer who asked about my coloring.

This was a day I wanted to remember how the light looked as I drove to my voice lesson.  A storm was moving in, and changing the direction and quality of the light.  It was surreal.
















January 18, 2018

Work has been joyful lately in spite of short- handed shifts and lots of challenges.
Being able to help people, even if just by finding a misplaced hold, has been very fulfilling lately.
I like being able to make someone's day better.

January 22, 2018

Such a strange time.
Government shutdowns -
Having to shop off- base
because the commissary will be short-stocked, if not closed altogether.
Feeling like I'm coming down with a cold - Matt, too, but hoping it doesn't end up being flu- he hasn't had a flu shot.

Fuzzy edges
On the world
On  my thoughts
My limbs leaden
Too heavy to move
Freezing and then roasting-
 Is it an illness, hormones, or allergies?
Who knows?
My head that
Alternates
Between feeling
Like a barely tethered
Helium balloon
And a concrete block

January 24, 2018

Still trying not to be
Snot: The Slimer of Worlds
Not entirely succeeding.

There are things I need to keep in mind.  Some of the favorites I have saved off of calendars, etc.
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abraham Lincoln

"Snap out of it!"  - Mary Engelbreit

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength." - a long time favorite from Mary Engelbreit, not sure where the quote came from.

"Don't confuse your path with your destination.

Just because it's stormy now, doesn't mean that your aren't headed for sunshine.  - from a calendar I had last year.

"If you pray for rain, be prepared to deal with some mud."

And an old favorite, "Bloom where you are planted."


February 1, 2018

I don't know why this one is upside down, nor am I sure how to fix it just now.  (And I've had a margarita already tonight, so no, I'm not going to try that right now.)
My notes say:

(pointing to the Dove sentiment "Go where your heart takes you")  Sounds like a paraphrase of Vincent - "Follow your heart."

Birthdays celebrate the gift of time.
We celebrate the gift of you.
-from a card I got years ago.  It's such a lovely sentiment.

Ah, February- Hearts and flowers and Valentine's Day; and my birthday later on!

Still cool, but no snow.  Sun is warm, though.

"...and even though it's snowing,
Violets are growing.  I know why and so do you..."

"I have phrases and whole pages memorized, but nothing can be told of love." - Rumi

"We are, as a species, addicted to story.
Even when the body goes to sleep,
the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories." - Jonathan Gottshall

I have told some stories.  Now to see if others enjoy them.  One of them came from notes in this journal.



February 3, 2018
Still winter.
As the edge on the wind
and the pale quality of the
sunlight
remind us.
Yet a bird's territorial song
And a Chickadee's scold,
Along with swelling buds
On the trees
Say
Spring is not far away.
Would that our hearts
Could know such a
Renewal
For these days are cold
And hard emotionally.
So many things
 Want my attention
Yet my butterfly mind
Refuses to settle
On any  one thing.


 February 7, 2018

One again with the short bits -
Wednesdays are busy at our library.
The water is out at the library again - probably for just one hour - we HOPE

I look at the piled up annoyances in my life,, and I say no WONDER my blood pressure is up.
Have to plan a wardrobe for two weeks in NYC.  Don't have budget to buy much - don't need much other than comfortable slip- ons I can walk in.
Tis the time of year for the library's least favorite question: "Do you have tax forms?"


February 14, 2018

Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday, all in ONE!
Get your chocolate early, get your ashes later...

New sorter has arrived at the library. We are in the process of installation.
  Very nice young man is our tech.
About 45 minutes left to work today.
Then it's home and a LONG walk.  I was lazy this morning;  I need to make up for it.

THEN, we have Ash Wednesday evening service instead of choir rehearsal.



That's the last of the journal  entries.  Life has kind of been either too busy or too "meh" for me to write much the last eight days or so.
I am on my annual "birthday vacation week" this week, so the weather closings have not affected me, except to make me stir crazy!  It's been a pretty crappy vacation, stuck in the house except for Tuesday when I went to the Commissary, and incidentally, spent WAY LESS MONEY for my groceries and paper goods than I did last month when I had to shop off base because of Cheeto Head and his shutdown.
The commissary is a major benefit.

One reason this blog has been so neglected is that I have been actually writing something besides journal posts and poetry for a change.  I have written some fan fiction stories, and most of them can be found on my new blog,
https://absentmindedwanderings.blogspot.com/

All of my fan fiction is about the 1987- 90 TV series Beauty and the Beast, and I write "classic" BATB fiction, which means the third season didn't happen, Catherine is still alive and well.

Still Longing For Autumn, And It's The Middle Of October

Looking back at the journal again.  It's what you do when you write.  You try to salvage something from the bits and pieces your muse gives you every now and then, when it's feeling generous.
So far, I haven't had anything very long, but I have had a few bits I like very much.  I shared the previous gleanings, and now I'm taking a stab at the more recent words.

10/16/16

Some days Summer seems as relentless
In its grasp upon us in Autumn
As Winter does in Spring
As though reluctant to release its prize
To cooler days and chilly nights.
Much as Winter hates
To let us thaw in Spring's
Delights.













On delicate orange wings
The souls of the departed
Overcome many things
And soothe the broken-hearted
As they Southward wend their way
Getting to Mexico
By All Saints Day.

Or, as it is celebrated
 Dia De Los Muertos.
Day of the Dead
When graves are decorated
With favorite flowers and foods,
And even some small items
Depicting favorite activities
The families come
And have a picnic
And remember those gone before.
Life is celebrated,
It is not a mourning of loss
But a celebration of having
Had that person in their lives.
And the butterflies come
In their thousands
Every year
Souls coming home
To share the celebration.

10/17/16
Invisible
A poem about Beauty and the Beast (1987) For Cindy
 By C.K. Armistead
Often he feels invisible
The man inside the beast 
The soul behind the visage
Is human.
If any cared to look
A few loved ones know
They see him
They love the warrior/poet
In his soul.
But only SHE sees him
REALLY sees him
The noble poet
The ferocious warrior
The sum total
Of his burnished
Beautiful soul.
Only SHE sees it ALL
And loves unconditionally.

10/18/16

"Listen! The wind is rising 
and the air is wild with leaves,
We've had our summer evenings,
Now for October eves!"
-Wolfe

The above is one of the best  quotes I have ever seen about Fall

If only our weather would catch up-  
The wind rises all right,
But the temperature is too high
And not many leaves
Are aswirl on the wind as yet.


Bits of arias stuck
In my head
A throat too gunky
Yet to sing
Trying to loosen
Things up with medicine
And herbal tea
Don't know how successful
It will be
Hoping this is all
Finished before recital
Only singing one little
Aria
But I DO want it to
Come out as well
As I possibly can sing it -
I fear I sound far worse
Than anyone lets on
I don't think my pitch sounds right
When I listen to
Recordings - I sound flat.
At least to myself.


Yet another warm day
As if Summer is trying to say
I will not go- I refuse to budge!
Though Autumn stands ready
And Winter is a solemn judge.


10/19/16

When did personal responsibility
become a thing of the past?
Why do so many seek always
To blame someone else
for their mistakes instead of admitting
and learning from them?

Not my job
Not my fault
Always excuses
Never responsible
This generation
Accepts mediocrity
Instead of striving for greatness
Our parents felt
Obliged to sacrifice
For the benefits they enjoyed
Their generation
Survived Depression
Fought WWII
Won the Cold War
 Made the way
For all the good things
And Freedoms we enjoy
That we are busy
Squandering
By not being willing
To think of others
Of the greater good -
The needs of the Many
As Spock would no doubt remind us.



Cold quality to the late evening light
Soon our clocks will be set back an hour
To reflect this new reality.
The sunlight is golden, but pale
There are heavy clouds
But they do not cover the sky
They rumble with thunder as they
Sail by
While yet the sun
Does shine.

10/20/16

So long sitting
Need to move-
Alas, meetings.

  










10/23/16

I do hunger for food
For my body
But more so for my soul-
My spirit.
Something is lacking
Some voice needs
Strength
In order to sing.
A swarm of words
Batting around inside my head
Like moths around a light fixture,
Hitting the barrier,
But still striving,
Knocking into each other
Causing disruptions
Disconnects
Lost ideas
Fluctuations in the
Brightness
Of the light
That tries to shine
Through
To guide me out
Of silence
So unproductive
And into bounteous,
Joyous song.


That brings us to today.  When I sat in church, enjoying the liturgy as always, feeling part of something greater than myself, something ancient, ongoing, alive and vital still. 
Words and ideas battering my brain,
When I was constrained to remain
Silent
And listening.
Listening is good
Many times you hear what you NEED to hear
In that silence.
The silence where God speaks.
If only my mind would quiet down enough
To listen.



 

Wednesday Morning Wanderings

"There are no spirits or gods in the cat, don't look for them, Shed.  A cat is the picture of the eternal machinery, like the sea.  You don't pet the sea because it's pretty, but you pet a cat-why?-ONLY BECAUSE HE'LL LET YOU.  And a cat never knows fear-finally- he only winds up into the spring of the sea and the rock, and even in a death-fight he does not think of anything but the majesty of darkness." - Charles Bukowski


Perhaps that last bit is why cats were deemed evil in some places during the Middle Ages.  Cats know their place in the Universe, they walk with confident ease, making self-doubt ridden  humans feel too much like prey.
Perhaps this sense of the "majesty of darkness" is part of what makes "Vincent" in th 1987 TV program "Beauty and the Beast" so compelling.  In Mr. Perlman's portrayal of him we can see the duality of the uncertain, uncomfortable human and the majestic, certain, graceful, but often merciless beast.
A cat, an apex predator, more secure in that role, especially as a protector of what is his, than any human could ever be.
Yet, he has all those human frailties we are all faced with - he knows fear, knows the feeling of longing to belong, but feeling that he does not, knows a fear of a part of himself that seems alien to the rest of humanity, but is it really?  Isn't it only a matter of degree?
In every human heart is the instinct to protect that which we love from harm, and that which we need to survive from being lost.  The major difference is that humans think we need to temper this instinct, and are apologetic about it, at least most of the time.
Cats have no such self-doubts.  They know what they are, they accept the gifts of their strength and grace, and protect what is theirs with compelling ferocity.
It is to Mr. Perlman's and the show's writers great credit that we could see this conflict in Vincent's character.  After all, he is a symbol for what is ultimately a very human struggle:  how to learn to love and accept all of ourselves.  Vincent makes definite progress in this area, but, like most of us, never fully achieves that acceptance of his more instinctual nature.
This question of the duality of his nature has been discussed quite often in fan fiction, and often is handled very well, giving us even more to ponder about the nature of what it really means to be "human."