Trying To Hear The Muse Through All The Noise

It's been one hell of a week.  I will be honest, I am disappointed with the election results, and disappointed in the stories of racially motivated violence I have seen.  We should be better than this, America.  Remember the Golden Rule.  It applies to EVERYBODY.  Don't be hateful, and don't stand by and let someone who is vulnerable be intimidated or possibly injured.  Be the real American, be kind, stand up against injustice, and remember that everybody is your neighbor, and you may need their help one day.
On top of all that goodness, Leonard Cohen died.  I know, he was 82, and by all reports, ready to go.  Still.  He was a poet and singer/songwriter of immense talent.  Not always the most pleasing voice, but an important one.  His words are often wafting through my brain.

11/9/16
By C.K.Armistead

And through this land of sorrows I stumble,
Lost, cowed, and humble
Wondering where to turn in my trouble
For God seems so far away
And it is dark
Though it is day.
And added to this grief I bore
Was the news that the troubadour
 Is no more.
And though the night seems endless long
I find myself surrounded by his song.
Its melody rises over the din
And through the cracks in my broken heart,
It lets the light of hope shine in.


Good night, Mr. Cohen. May light eternal shine upon you.




11/14/16

I weep not for you who have gone from this life,
I weep for those of us left behind
To try to make sense of a world without you in it.
So much loss.
So much pain.
So many cracks
In this broken heart.



On the upside,
The weather has finally begun to cool,
 The days are crisp
And the skies are blue
But not many leaves have turned
For all that they are starting to fall.

And my own music has worked out better than I thought it would.
My voice, though a bit strained, worked well.
Recital was successful.

Life must go on
We must be aware, though
Of those among us who feel
Vulnerable and as though
They are hated.
We must never let a few hotheads
Define all of us.
We must stand for justice
And mercy
For kindness
And inclusion.
Because there is enough in this land
To go around.
 If we work together
If we share
There's enough for all of us
And there is more than enough love
If we allow ourselves to feel it
Love is the only thing that multiplies
The more you spread it around.
So please, my fellow Americans,
Remember love.


That's about all I got right now.

Life Is What Happens. ..

...When you are making other plans.  It would seem life has decided that my neatly ordered life needed an upset.  Matt and I are sitting in the emergency room waiting to find out why he is so bloated and in pain. We are afraid of the possibilities.  Some could be quite dire.  Or, it could be something as simple as needing to change some of his medications, or it could just be a virus after all, though it doesn't behave like a virus.
Waiting is not my favorite activity.  It leaves me very tired and very tense at the same time. There are things I am supposed to be doing, places I am supposed to be tomorrow,  and I wonder if I  will have the chance.  I also desperately need to sleep, but how can I?  There are too many scenarios,  most of them awful, playing out in my head.

3/26/16

We have since learned that it was his appendix, and he had surgery on the 23rd to remove it.  We have been waiting for signs since that his digestion is getting back in gear, but until this morning, nothing much on that front.  At least there has been some movement, if slow.  It worries me that he has acid reflux all the sudden, when he hasn't had any for YEARS.  I am guessing that this surgery has just thrown off his whole balance, as his blood sugar appears to be resisting settling back into its normal groove. 

3/26/16

It would also seem that this bluetooth keyboard of Matt's that I borrowed despises me, for it just deleted a whole post that I was almost finished with.  This angers me greatly. I am, however, in a hospital room with a tired, uncomforable spouse, so I do not dare call Blogger and this keyboard all the awful names I would like to call them.  (Raggedy raunchy, corn-swozzlin' SHMURD! - to borrow from the Rick O'Shay comic of years ago...)

At any rate, the gist of it is that I have not done a whole lot of writing before this because the hospital is such an environment that numbs the mind.  Time ceases to have real meaning, and yet the realities of birth and death are very much with us.  All the news of celebrity deaths is not helping.  One begins to feel that this is the year we ALL die.  (If I don't get up out of this awful chair soon, my butt will be dead, for sure!) 

I went home early last night so I could get some housework done and get a walk in.  I did both, the house is sparkling, and I got in a mile and a half before dark.  (Cleaned house after.)  I got the sheets on the bed changed this morning, and the dirty ones into the washer. (On the Sanitize cycle, just in case).  The rest of the laundry is in the laundry room, ready to sort. 

Here I had written a lot of very lovely stuff about Holy Week, and I don't have the foggiest notion what it was except the notes in my notebook which I started from.  I guess I shall have to start again. 

Here is what I wrote down a couple of days ago:
3/24/16
It is Holy Week, and as Mother Susan reminded us when she came to visit Matt and pray with us, we are walking through our own trial this week.  Yet how can we forget, even in the midst of our own difficulties, the great suffering endured because of our wayward nature?  The suffering caused to humans by their fellow humans all over the world is a cause for our grief and our shame.
That Jesus saw and well knew what humankind was capable of, yet chose to be a sacrifice for us is still stunning.
Such stunning love, persistent in the face of rejection, ridicule, scorn, and attempted extermination is what Christians are saved by, and what we are supposed to emulate.  Most of us fall woefully short.  We react with fear, anger, and loathing toward those who appear on the outside to be different from us, but really are just human, just like us. We do not often remember the two great commandments.  ONE:  Love the Lord your God with your whole being, and  TWO: Love your neighbor as yourself. 
I really do kinda wonder if the problem some of the loudest hate-spewers out there have is that they really hate themselves.  Deep down, do they see themselves as horrible, worthless creatures, and therefore despise anyone who might actually have redeeming qualities?  Is that the problem? 
They are ignoring the first commandment if they do.  If you love God with all that you are, you will recognize how loved you are in return, and you will want to share that love, and when you do, it multiplies and spreads and eddys around and comes right back at ya with interest. 
The flipside is, hate rebounds on you, too, and not in a good way.  It eats all your joy, corrodes your soul, and leaves you alone and bitter in the dark. 
Hatred does not solve any problems.  It only makes existing ones worse, and causes even more. 
3/26/16

Today is Holy Saturday.  Tonight there will be a VERY long service in every church with a liturgical tradition.  Confirmations, baptisms, reaffirmations of faith, all sorts of celebrations of new life in Christ will happen.  Our service is rather a busy one because we are the Cathedral parish, and people from all over the diocese come to us on Holy Saturday, because that is where the Bishop will be.  Our choir does not normally sing this service, the nine o'clock Parish Choir does it, so I would not normally be there anyway.  I have already missed Good Friday, and will likely miss Easter as well.  Difficult to be away from our St. Paul's family, especially on special days.  The rhythm of the church year marks our own journey.  At least for me, the different seasons of the church year, marking the events in Jesus' journey, also serve as touch points for my own journey, reminding me of purpose and progress as we go.  This week has been a walk in darkness for the most part.  Not knowing if what was found is the total cause of Matt's health problems, not seeing very swift recovery, and wondering what that means for the future.  Yet even on this day, a day when Christians go through with the first disciples, a time of separation, of a sense of loss of God's presence, God hears and answers prayer.  We have received encouraging news, even when fearing we would not.  Not the great rejoicing of Easter, but still not being ignored and unanswered. Tomorrow is the day of joy, when morning dawns bright, and we are told without doubt that we are NOT alone, NOT without hope.  We pray for our own Easter joy, our own sense of release from this shrouded time of gloom. 

O love beyond apprehension
That encompasses all
And reaches past
Our doubt
Be real for us in our
Hour of need.
Thou that gave all there is
For those who would not see
Grant us the vision
Of your nearness
Grant us the light
Of Easter joy.

That is about all I have right now.  I really need to get out of this chair, and maybe even out of this room.  Matt is dozing off and on, but may ask to be back in his chair, all depends on how things go.  I am so weary of no answers and so little progress, but I am grateful for the positive progress we have had. 

Weekend Gone to Wrack and Ruin

R2/13/16
"I don't like love as a command, as a search. it must come to you like a hungry cat at the door." -Bukowski

I may seem obsessed, but I am working on a story involving characters from the Beauty and the Beast  television program from 1987-90.  I see the quote above, and I think -  it's so very true for Catherine - Love is, quite literally some nights, like a hungry cat at her balcony door.  For some nights, we see Vincent watch over her sleep through the French doors.  He does look hungry, also protective, cherishing.
So much rich metaphor in that show- perhaps one of the reasons I love it so.  The best thing about it is the quality of the acting. Such a talented cast, and writers, so much better than most everything else on TV at that time.
I have seen few programs since that have even begun to engage my imagination like this one.

As for the larger topic- love quite often finds us when we stop searching.  Love found me, that is, romantic love, when I had stopped looking and thrown myself into work, and into finally becoming an active participant in Star Trek fandom. (Another program that has ALWAYS engaged my imagination, since I was six years old!)
That fan club is where I met the lady who would become my mother-in-law. Also met my future sister-in-law.  Soon, Matthew showed up at meetings, parties, drove us all in his passenger van to conventions, and we started talking.  A lot.  He made me laugh, something I really needed.  He could follow my often disjointed train of thought, he GOT me.  It was a novel experience.
He is still about the only living human of the male variety who really understands me and my introspective, introverted ways.  Even though I am friendly and interested in people, I can't take groups of people for very long at a time.  He has learned to see the signs of "social fatigue" in my body language, and will sometimes even rescue me from a crowded, noisy space before I realize myself that my limits have been reached.
Yes, and I have found friends and even some degree of understanding from my family when I stopped actively seeking approval and started just being OK with being ME.

2/13/16

The little dog ran
He ran grumping and grousing
Under his breath
He was cranky,
Angry.
His world was being turned
Inside out and
Upside down.
Things were changing
Being removed
Everything
Was not how it had
ALWAYS
been.
He ran after the walking lady
Not because he hated her
But because he loved her,
He loved her, but
She was ignoring him
She didn't turn to see him there,
Didn't acknowledge that he
Was a great and fierce warrior
Protecting his pack,
Not like she usually did.
ANOTHER thing
Being NOT as
It SHOULD be.
When he hit her leg
His teeth catching the pants
She wore,
He did not believe
What he had done.
He saw her look of sadness
She was sorry she had
Missed him, sorry
She made him lash out.
He felt ashamed.
He let the boy pick him up
And take him back into
The house.
The house that no longer FELT right.
And he couldn't forget
That he had hurt
His friend.

(For Brodie:  No hard feelings, buddy.  You're a Good Dog!)

To A Sick Child

Poor little one.
You look so tired.
I can almost feel
The queasiness
The lethargy
The dullness
That surrounds you now.
Don't worry.
Your Mama brought you
To a place where they can help.
You'll feel better soon,
Sweet baby.
Until then,
I'm asking the angels and the saints
To watch over you
While you wait.

2/14/16

"Good luck, old fellow,
it doesn't come easy,
hung to our balls we are, that's it,
we're hung to our balls, and I could use a little myself-
meanwhile-
watch the eyes and lead with the left
and run like hell
when it just isn't any use
anymore."
-Bukowski, from "the cat's balls"

A fit verse for Valentine's Day, eh?
Humans, like cats, particularly the males, pursuing Romance because of biological imperative.
Maybe.
But it's more than that.
It has to be.
Because just procreating
Doesn't raise offspring
To be useful in the world, no.
Love does that.
"It doesn't come easy"
No, it does not.  It's work.  A relationship that gives true satisfaction is work.
And if you think you're going to feel that satisfaction all the time and forever, you're deluding yourself.
Love is all about hanging in there even when you'd rather give up.
It's the uncommitted, unsatisfying and unsatisfied tom cat who will "run like hell when it just isn't any use anymore."
The lover whose heart is true will be there through all the disappointments, the dirty dishes, the stack of unpaid bills, the squalling kids, the times when Romance is the LAST thing either of you wants.
Love will be there, helping wash the dishes, figuring out how to pay the bills, sorting out the kids, and helping you survive all in once piece until such time as Romance decides to dance into town for another whirlwind visit.

He thinks I don't know
That he sees what's really in my heart
Even when I can't say the words,
Even when what I DO say is hard, sharp, mean.
He knows I love him, and more deeply than I can say
Because I trust him enough
To let him see the unedited version
Of myself.
Nobody else hears the unconsidered words
The awful fits of temper,
The awful depths of self-doubt and self-loathing.
He's seen it all.
And he's still here.
He loves me.
And that is a gift
I will NEVER take for granted.

Childhood
By CK Armistead 2/14/16

The pavement's cracked
And the weeds grow through it
And nobody cares enough anymore
To come and see to it.
 Our neighborhood
Isn't like it was when YOU
Were little here.
No troops of
Father Knows Best kids
Or Leave It To Beaver families
Living here now.
More like somethin'
Out of a movie
About a place that got
Sucker punched in the gut,
And is busy wheezing and coughing
And most probably dying.
A few friends around,
All of us scared.
We can't play outside until
The streetlights come on any more.
That shit stopped when I was six.
Where were you?
Oh,, yeah, that's right, you were either in college or married, or both.
You weren't going to that school
Where we had to be afraid to be alone
On the playground
Or in the bathroom
Or even in the hall.
Where the color of the shirt you wore
Could decide whether or not you got beat on
Today.
YOUR friends never got beat on just for being your friends.
When you went to these schools, YOU were the majority party,
There were "decent" people running things.
Instead of desperate and dedicated people,
Trying to do their best with
A dwindling tax base
And more crimes than you would believe.
All because your "decent" childhood friends' families
Couldn't STAND the thought of having BLACK FOLKS
In their neighborhood.
If they'd stayed,
They would have learned.
People
ARE JUST
People.
No matter what color the outside is.
Good neighbors come in all colors, shapes and sizes.
And so do staunch friends
Who sit with you at lunch
And walk to the bus stop with you
Even if it means somebody may beat them up.
There are people who believe in Dr. King's dream
 Even when they hear gunfire in the night.

The Last Advent Candle Is Lit - On The First Day Of Winter

The shortest day, the longest night of the year, perhaps the coldest where you may be, perhaps the opposite in all regards if you live in the Southern Hemisphere.

Here, this day is dark, dreary, and COLD.  The news abroad in the world isn't much brighter.  In fact, a lot of it is worse.  There is death from disease, poverty, and murder, there is hatred, there is war.  No world for a child to be born into.
Arguably, it was the same more than two thousand years ago, when the Child some of us celebrate came into this world.  That was no time for a child to be born.  The land he was born into was under the rule of Imperial Rome.  For the Israelites, it was difficult, dangerous, and offensive to live under the sway of a pagan regime.
This theme is not a new one, in fact, I find it hard to say this in a way that might sound new.  Many have observed that this world is almost NEVER joyful, or at peace, or even safe for everyone.  Perhaps the theme is best remembered from the old carol I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day

You can hear the song and read the lyricsHERE
..."And in despair I bowed my head,
   There is no peace on earth, I said
    For hate is strong, and mocks the song
   Of Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men."

That verse was written in 1867.  (By Longfellow.  No wonder I've always loved it. )  Surely, peace was hard to come by, and strife very strong indeed.  So it is today.  There are wars ongoing in many places, there are horrible diseases ravaging populations, there is hatred and unrest in our very own nation.  Perhaps because we continually lose sight of the meaning behind this season.  Even if we catch up with the "true Spirit of Christmas" during the holiday itself, we lose it along the way. ALL of us.  Even those of us who really try.  We ALL need to try harder, to commit ourselves anew to remembering that Love chose to be born into this world as a tiny baby, in an occupied country, to an  oppressed minority.  That ALL the religious leaders who have ever been  revered in this world have stressed that LOVE is the only really important thing.  Love of God, love of others, the kind of love that shares and helps and believes and hopes.
May the God of Love forgive us, we have tainted that message.  We have killed in the name of religion, used our different beliefs as a license to revile and condemn those who disagree, totally ignored the more difficult call to love our enemies.
How easy it is to hate.  What a lazy way to deal with others.  Never try to see the other side of an issue, never tolerate for a moment the idea that you may be wrong, that maybe GOD would want you to listen and to reserve judgement.  So easy to get caught up in the clamoring of those who would rush to condemnation and revenge.  It is difficult to stand with Love.  Love is hard work.  You may well love someone, but not like them very much some days.  Love is stronger, deeper, and more reliable than mere liking.  How difficult it must have been for that Child, born into such a desolate land and people, to look with love upon those who reviled him because of his faith, his ethnicity.  How much MORE difficult when the ones who were his own people reviled him because he dared to preach love and forgiveness and not revolution.
Those of us who claim to be followers of that Child, followers of Christ, we have a lot of bad behavior to answer for.  We have not listened with our hearts to His call to love.  We have let Him down, let each other down, and let the world down.  We are NOT called to hate, to sit in judgement, to FORCE others to agree with us, we are called to LOVE.  It is the the single most difficult thing I have ever pondered doing.  It is even harder in practice.  Yes, we are forgiven our sins, IF we repent and recognize that we have done wrong, our resolve to do better will be blessed.  He who came and offered Himself for us in love, loves us still.  No matter WHAT we have done, it breaks His heart, I am sure, because He loves us, and WANTS that better world for us.  The world we would have if we ALL lived by the words given us by the leaders of our faiths.  If we live by love.
I do not exempt myself from guilt.  I tend to be self-centered, having lived a lot of my childhood with no playmates to speak of, I did not have to learn much about sharing and cooperation until I started school.  I am the absolute WORST at thinking of others first, of reacting immediately with love.  I do try, I remind myself, I pray for help, but I still fall FAR short.  I am still far too judgmental, even if only in my own head.  (Our thoughts can and do affect our actions, so ...)
I can only promise that I am TRYING to change.  Every single day.  For those of you who interact regularly with me, if I have hurt you, failed you, otherwise let you down, I am sorry.  I do love you, I care for you, and I don't WANT to hurt you.  (Especially my most long-suffering and loving spouse, who loves me in spite of my many, many faults.)  My gift to you at this season, and every day of every year is that I will do my utmost to learn to react first from LOVE instead of selfishness.
If all of us try that, maybe, just maybe, the world will be a brighter place.

As for the devastating news that's been circulating lately, of killings and hate, well, it is nothing new.  Those of us who were here in Oklahoma City in 1995 can tell you that.  Our church was damaged in that act of violence, and that Christmas (and the next) we were stuck worshiping in the parish hall.  I wrote a poem about it.  I'd like to share it again, if you'll indulge me:

Christmas Eve
By Carolyn Kay Armistead, 1996

The scent of pine needles, incense, and candlewax fill the air.
There is much confusion about the processional, and just who goes where.
But the night is full of magic, wonder and joy
As our Christian family prepares once again to welcome the baby boy.

The baby boy who came into a world of uncertainty and pain,
Who understands how we feel, being in Dean Willey Hall again,
And not in our beautiful Cathedral, with its comfort and sacredness.
He knows how it feels to deal with hatred's harmful effects.

Well He knows our sorrow, our impatience and our pain
And yet He makes us glad to be together, even if in the Hall again.
For He was not born in a fancy palace, or a hospital clean and grand;
But in a lowly stable, with cows, sheep and shepherds close to hand.

If He could be content with a birthplace so quiet and humble;
Who are we to be unhappy with our lot and to grumble?
After all, we are safe and still together, and together we still can sing
The same joyful song of angels, and isn't that the most important thing?


Yes, we still had each other, and that was indeed the most beautiful and important thing.  I see many of those same faces in the choir and the congregation this year, and I am so very glad to see them.  These are my fellow travelers on this road of faith, this difficult journey of trying to live up to the gift of love we have been given.  It wasn't easy then, and it still isn't.

Yes, there is a LOT wrong with this world, there is a lot of hatred and fear.  There is also Love.  I have found those who love almost everywhere I go, including the Internet and social media.  Yes, there are sour and negative and hateful people just about everywhere, but if you look, there's an awful lot of loving and kind ones, too.  Let that give you hope this season, and remember, BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.  If YOU don't react with love, how will love grow?
Back to that Christmas carol.  The next to the last verse says this all so much more succinctly.
"Then pealed the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep.
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

(Down, feminists; "men" was an accepted abbreviation for "human". I believe largely because the Greek Anthropos was translated as "man" instead of "human", or "mankind". )

On this longest night of the year, on this very cold day, when the darkness seems so ready to crush us and put us all in the cold, let us light the fourth candle of Advent, the candle of Peace.
To quote an old TV show I happen to be very fond of, let us remember that darkness is merely the absence of light, and all winters end!

Let us resolve to try and BE the light!
LOVE to you and PEACE!

The Advent Wreath