Weekend Gone to Wrack and Ruin

R2/13/16
"I don't like love as a command, as a search. it must come to you like a hungry cat at the door." -Bukowski

I may seem obsessed, but I am working on a story involving characters from the Beauty and the Beast  television program from 1987-90.  I see the quote above, and I think -  it's so very true for Catherine - Love is, quite literally some nights, like a hungry cat at her balcony door.  For some nights, we see Vincent watch over her sleep through the French doors.  He does look hungry, also protective, cherishing.
So much rich metaphor in that show- perhaps one of the reasons I love it so.  The best thing about it is the quality of the acting. Such a talented cast, and writers, so much better than most everything else on TV at that time.
I have seen few programs since that have even begun to engage my imagination like this one.

As for the larger topic- love quite often finds us when we stop searching.  Love found me, that is, romantic love, when I had stopped looking and thrown myself into work, and into finally becoming an active participant in Star Trek fandom. (Another program that has ALWAYS engaged my imagination, since I was six years old!)
That fan club is where I met the lady who would become my mother-in-law. Also met my future sister-in-law.  Soon, Matthew showed up at meetings, parties, drove us all in his passenger van to conventions, and we started talking.  A lot.  He made me laugh, something I really needed.  He could follow my often disjointed train of thought, he GOT me.  It was a novel experience.
He is still about the only living human of the male variety who really understands me and my introspective, introverted ways.  Even though I am friendly and interested in people, I can't take groups of people for very long at a time.  He has learned to see the signs of "social fatigue" in my body language, and will sometimes even rescue me from a crowded, noisy space before I realize myself that my limits have been reached.
Yes, and I have found friends and even some degree of understanding from my family when I stopped actively seeking approval and started just being OK with being ME.

2/13/16

The little dog ran
He ran grumping and grousing
Under his breath
He was cranky,
Angry.
His world was being turned
Inside out and
Upside down.
Things were changing
Being removed
Everything
Was not how it had
ALWAYS
been.
He ran after the walking lady
Not because he hated her
But because he loved her,
He loved her, but
She was ignoring him
She didn't turn to see him there,
Didn't acknowledge that he
Was a great and fierce warrior
Protecting his pack,
Not like she usually did.
ANOTHER thing
Being NOT as
It SHOULD be.
When he hit her leg
His teeth catching the pants
She wore,
He did not believe
What he had done.
He saw her look of sadness
She was sorry she had
Missed him, sorry
She made him lash out.
He felt ashamed.
He let the boy pick him up
And take him back into
The house.
The house that no longer FELT right.
And he couldn't forget
That he had hurt
His friend.

(For Brodie:  No hard feelings, buddy.  You're a Good Dog!)

To A Sick Child

Poor little one.
You look so tired.
I can almost feel
The queasiness
The lethargy
The dullness
That surrounds you now.
Don't worry.
Your Mama brought you
To a place where they can help.
You'll feel better soon,
Sweet baby.
Until then,
I'm asking the angels and the saints
To watch over you
While you wait.

2/14/16

"Good luck, old fellow,
it doesn't come easy,
hung to our balls we are, that's it,
we're hung to our balls, and I could use a little myself-
meanwhile-
watch the eyes and lead with the left
and run like hell
when it just isn't any use
anymore."
-Bukowski, from "the cat's balls"

A fit verse for Valentine's Day, eh?
Humans, like cats, particularly the males, pursuing Romance because of biological imperative.
Maybe.
But it's more than that.
It has to be.
Because just procreating
Doesn't raise offspring
To be useful in the world, no.
Love does that.
"It doesn't come easy"
No, it does not.  It's work.  A relationship that gives true satisfaction is work.
And if you think you're going to feel that satisfaction all the time and forever, you're deluding yourself.
Love is all about hanging in there even when you'd rather give up.
It's the uncommitted, unsatisfying and unsatisfied tom cat who will "run like hell when it just isn't any use anymore."
The lover whose heart is true will be there through all the disappointments, the dirty dishes, the stack of unpaid bills, the squalling kids, the times when Romance is the LAST thing either of you wants.
Love will be there, helping wash the dishes, figuring out how to pay the bills, sorting out the kids, and helping you survive all in once piece until such time as Romance decides to dance into town for another whirlwind visit.

He thinks I don't know
That he sees what's really in my heart
Even when I can't say the words,
Even when what I DO say is hard, sharp, mean.
He knows I love him, and more deeply than I can say
Because I trust him enough
To let him see the unedited version
Of myself.
Nobody else hears the unconsidered words
The awful fits of temper,
The awful depths of self-doubt and self-loathing.
He's seen it all.
And he's still here.
He loves me.
And that is a gift
I will NEVER take for granted.

Childhood
By CK Armistead 2/14/16

The pavement's cracked
And the weeds grow through it
And nobody cares enough anymore
To come and see to it.
 Our neighborhood
Isn't like it was when YOU
Were little here.
No troops of
Father Knows Best kids
Or Leave It To Beaver families
Living here now.
More like somethin'
Out of a movie
About a place that got
Sucker punched in the gut,
And is busy wheezing and coughing
And most probably dying.
A few friends around,
All of us scared.
We can't play outside until
The streetlights come on any more.
That shit stopped when I was six.
Where were you?
Oh,, yeah, that's right, you were either in college or married, or both.
You weren't going to that school
Where we had to be afraid to be alone
On the playground
Or in the bathroom
Or even in the hall.
Where the color of the shirt you wore
Could decide whether or not you got beat on
Today.
YOUR friends never got beat on just for being your friends.
When you went to these schools, YOU were the majority party,
There were "decent" people running things.
Instead of desperate and dedicated people,
Trying to do their best with
A dwindling tax base
And more crimes than you would believe.
All because your "decent" childhood friends' families
Couldn't STAND the thought of having BLACK FOLKS
In their neighborhood.
If they'd stayed,
They would have learned.
People
ARE JUST
People.
No matter what color the outside is.
Good neighbors come in all colors, shapes and sizes.
And so do staunch friends
Who sit with you at lunch
And walk to the bus stop with you
Even if it means somebody may beat them up.
There are people who believe in Dr. King's dream
 Even when they hear gunfire in the night.

Of New Beginnings and Old Issues

January first.  Now is the winter of our discontent begun.  The first week of keeping all our good resolutions to eat less junk food, exercise more, and just basically do a lot of things that are good for us, but decrease our sense of enjoyment, perhaps.  Unless we go about it the right way. 
My big problem is going to be the lack of chocolate.  I love chocolate, and having to cut back to the recommended ounce or two only a day is going to be rough. 
Cutting down on the number of calories consumed is going to be tough, as I tend to use food as a comfort.  Tough day?  Have some pie.  Bored? Chips and salsa!
Exercise, well, it feels good once you get finished.  Getting started is HARD.  Also, sticking with it.

I have found that if I remind myself of all the good things that come with behaving myself as regards my diet and exercise, it is lots easier to stick to my resolutions. 
When I exercise, I feel better overall, I have a better outlook on life, I have more energy.  (That is, when I am not calling myself twenty kinds of a fool for making all my muscles ache from activity they are not used to. That's why God made aspirin, though.)
I also look a whole lot better when I stick with the diet and exercise.  My skin is clearer and less wrinkly, also my color is healthy instead of pallid.  My hair shines whether or not I remember the conditioner. Also, I can fit into smaller, nicer fitting clothes. 
Biggest bonus:  I do NOT look like I am almost 55 years old.  (At least, I don't THINK I do, and I've had several people act surprised when they find out my age.  Maybe they thought I was older though, so you never know...)

On the flip side, the resolutions that mean the most are the ones that improve our character.  Like vowing to be less selfish and more concerned with the needs of others.  World needs a WHOLE lot more of that.  If even a few of us manage to do better on that, this year will be a LOT better than the last.
A  promise to oneself to learn at least one new thing every month, or to read more, things that keep your mind active and expand your horizons,those are resolutions that will pay even bigger dividends to society as a whole than improving health and/or appearance will.
I made myself a promise that I would try to finish more of the books I am reading. I have a bad habit of having four or five non-fiction books going at once, and at least two novels.  Right now, I am reading "I'm Your Man" a biography of Leonard Cohen.  I am also reading a book called "Geek Girls Unite by Leslie Simon. I have one of the "Ghost" series by Carolyn G. Hart going, and a couple of books about drinks and drink mixing that I am reading off and on.  Gotta finish all that stuff, and see what else I can get read off of the huge backlog of stuff on my Nook and on the Kindle app.

I already made a dent in one of my long-held resolutions.  I got all of the physical books in the house cataloged.  Now I need to finish verifying which ebooks I own have made it into the catalog.  In physical books alone, there are over 1,000 items in that catalog. 
One book I did finish last year, and in fact read at least 3 times, is Ron Perlman's autobiography, Easy Street: The Hard Way.   I read it over and over not just because I am a fan, but because there is quite a bit there to digest.  He tells his story in his own language, without pretense, and without holding back difficult truths.  There is much in that book to make you think about how things work, not just in Hollywood, but in life.  So grateful that I CAN count him as someone who is a friend, not a really close friend, but certainly not a stranger.  Glad for the friends I have made because of him, and very glad to know that my estimation of his character was accurate.  He is down to earth, loyal, kind, and loving.  A VERY class act.  Also a very talented actor, as shown by the many diverse roles he has performed and won accolades and awards for.

The process of deciding what to strive for in the year ahead is tempered and influenced by all that came in the year that has just passed.  Since I read Easy Street this last year, it has influenced my resolve to be more genuine, more true to myself, in my dealings with others.  I have usually been pretty much "what you see is what you get", I am not much of a poser.  I have decided though, that I need to pay more attention to making my behavior match what I claim to believe.  Never easy, but a worthwhile pursuit for a Christian.  It is what we are supposed to do, after all, to act on the things Jesus taught, to avoid the pitfalls He warned against.  Few of us meet with much success in this, but the fact that we are trying, really trying, will make the whole world a better place.  (In keeping with that goal, I will try very hard here not to rant about those who invoke religion in the service of their own prejudice and bad behavior... wouldn't want to fall victim to the pitfall of being judgmental...)

Another resolution is to strive to put more effort into translating my love of my library and my work there into positive actions to benefit this community and my library.  My goal for this year at work plays into that, by helping make our customers more aware of the services we offer.  It's a difficult goal for me, using technology I haven't used in quite that way before, making short videos to play on our lobby TV.  My boss is very excited about it, and is a lot of help, so maybe, just maybe I'll be successful.  (All I can do is my very best.)

There you have it, a brand new calendar to fill up, and some of the same old issues following me around, along with a few new ways to challenge myself.  Bet you are paddling a similar canoe.  All I can tell you is, THIS year, I intend to make my paddle out of a better quality of attitude, and a firmer bit of resolve.  These goals are worthy, and important to more than just me.  Bet yours are, too.
Happy New Year, and good luck and perseverance to us all!!