Further Lenten Ruminations

2/28/16

This was written on my tablet during the sermon, right after Mother Susan almost mentioned the Holy Ghost in a scripture where it was not, in fact, mentioned.  We all had a tiny giggle about it.

O Holy Spirit,
Who even in this
Solemn Season
Of Lent
Does still make
Thy Presence known
With bubbling laughter
And with joy.

So words are just images
 for something far too large
 to tame or make subject
 to our inadequate imaginations.
All things in us that are good,
or useful
or in any way noble
are gifts of that joyful Spirit
Who moves where it will,
and blows joy and gifts of
understanding, mercy,
patience, and love
Into our very souls
If we will but receive them
To do the good works
The Spirit may inspire
Does give our very hearts
Strength.
They heal us, they give us
Yet more strength
To do yet more good
In this world.


2/29/16

Leap Day-
Leap of faith
Leap only after looking
Leap ahead,
Leapin' Lizards!

Didn't much want to muse on poetry this weekend, or today, really.
There is a story about the day I was born that they used to tell me, so I'd like to record it.
Better a few days late than never.

On the day I was born, my Mom had a regular appointment with her obstetrician.  Since it was in the afternoon, my sister (13 at the time) went with her to help navigate.  (Mom, we used to joke, could get lost in the back yard.)  While at the appointment, the doctor informed her that she was in the very early stages of labor, and given that she was 36 (old to be having babies in those days), he wanted to take her to the hospital ASAP.
So, here's my 13 year old sister in the waiting room, having to get hold of Pop (no cell phones then) and have him come get them and take Mom to the hospital and her home.  (Nobody under 18 allowed in Maternity waiting areas in those days.)  Then, of course, Pop had to go back to the hospital.  I don't know how they worked it out, perhaps our neighbor picked Pop up at work and took him to meet them at the doctor's office, and then took my sister home, I really don't know.
Must've been an interesting day for my family.
Evidently, I got stuck, and the doctor had to use forceps to get me out - I wasn't born until after 10 pm that night. Poor Mom.  Both of us came through all right, though.
Ha!  I've been an inconvenience to my family from the very beginning!


The very air holds magic, mystery, foreboding-
It is ripe with the tension of the coming storm.

Soon the lightning rips apart the sky
And the thunder roars at us
Like Doom itself
But quite often, this sound and fury
Doesn't mean much.
Not even much rain.
For all the portents
In the air.

3/1/16

And again, a blank page
The reading I was to do
Was not something I wanted
Today.
Today is hustle and bustle
Even though it's Tuesday -
Not Monday.
Still running all over
Too much to do
And never enough time.

Lots done,
But not everything
Never everything
The list looms
Eternally incomplete


3/2/16

More hurry and hope I got everything needful done.  Last week was a blessing- a week out of time to do with as I wished - pretty much.
This week is back to obligations and schedules and wondering how on earth I ever
Had room in my head
For abstract thoughts
For images and dreams
When this all too concrete world
It seems
Is SO much with me.


A flash, a blink, caught in the corner of my eye
A flicker, and rumble,
And light tears apart the sky.
All's dry until
I get closer to home,
And then I notice the wet pavement
The occasional drop on the windshield
The calling cards of an early Spring storm.




3/6/16


On the 3rd, 4th, and 5th, I did not manage to get any writing done.  I was off on the 3rd, we had a concert to attend that evening, so I took my comp day for Saturday, worked ALL DAY Friday to have enough hours, and then on Saturday, worked from 1 to 5, after having spent the better part of the morning cleaning the house.  We had friends over, and so, there was no time to sit and write.



This day,
The wind blew
It blew clouds and
Shadows
All over town.
No rain or storms for us
Not today.
Just lost of wind
Loud,
Mournful,
Anguished, even.
Tugging at every
Loose item in the neighborhood.
Wanting our attention
Trying to tell us something.


Achy and weary
In every joint
But happy.
Worked hard
Got a lot done.
Ate well, but healthily.
There is work of the mind
To be done.
A story to tell
A story to share
But not yet.
It is still in the process
Of becoming.
Much planning,
Polishing,
And hoping
Yet to be done.
And my cozy bed
Looks far too tempting
On this night
When the wind
Continues to howl
Like a predator
On the prowl.

This Year It's "Double Nickles"

Yes, another birthday is bearing down on me.  Next week.  Halfway through my fifties.  They say "Fifty is the new 30!"  but most mornings, my body agrees with my friend Mr. Perlman: "Fifty may be the new 30, but sixty is still fuckin' 60!" 
In other words, nothing is quite as easy as it once was.  The body doesn't respond as well or as quickly to physical challenges, your mind may not be quite as quick as it once was.  (In my case, anyway, this is directly attributable to the fact that I wake several times a night certain that I am being roasted alive.  Aging, especially if you are a woman, is not for sissies, my dears.)

On the other hand, there is something liberating about being "older".  You may find that what other people think isn't quite as important as it once was.  You may well be more comfortable in your own skin now, even if it is rather wrinkly in places.  True, I no longer cause young men to walk into the backs of parked cars, (as my father alleged I once did when washing my car in our driveway while wearing my bathing suit) but I still look good.  Most of the time, I feel young.  I don't have anyone constantly reminding me that I'm actually old.  (Sorry Mom, but you wanted to have a baby when you were 36.  Lucky you, you had a teenaged girl in the house when you were struggling with menopause.  You were far braver than I ever was.)

There are reminders of my actual age everywhere, though.  Songs I listened to on Top 40 radio (which no longer even exists, I don't believe) in high school and college now populate the "oldies" stations.  Classic jazz artists and big band music that my parents loved (and I reviled as a teen for that very reason) are now very appealing to me.  I have grown up enough to appreciate them, to hear the artistry present in them.  There are events I remember watching play out on the Nightly News that the younger folks I work with learn about in History class. 

One thing that will keep you young, though, is a passion for learning new things.  Staying engaged with life, learning how to use new technology, reading new authors, listening to music you might have passed on before, and having an interest or two to pursue can keep you going.  My singing is an interest that challenges me and keeps me working toward  improving my skills and learning more about music, my job is endlessly fascinating in the myriad of new challenges, new skills to learn and share with others. 

You see, that's what my job is really all about.  Keeping people connected to the resources they need to live a full and well informed life.  Libraries do that.  We provide entertainment, education, opportunities to enjoy programs on various subjects, access to materials that you may need for work or school, even physical fitness programs.  Libraries also provide to you a group of professionals who are dedicated to maintaining your right to access those materials, and helping you access them.  Most of them are also dedicated to being a vital part of your community, too.

That's what keeps me young.  Getting to go hang out with some of the smartest, coolest, funniest people in town every day.  My fellow staffers are great at their jobs, and they are interesting people, too.  Many of our customers are pretty cool, too.  Having to use technology in my job keeps me up to speed on it for the most part, and social media may be one of my guilty pleasures, but it helps me stay current with the culture, and keep up with many of the people I really care about.

So, all I have to do is survive this coming week, doctor visit tomorrow and all, and then I have a week off, during which I will celebrate that birthday that's breathing down my neck.  I have no idea what we'll do.  We may see a movie, we may eat out, maybe have friends over, I don't know.  I do know that on my actual birthday, I'll be at choir practice, so I suppose I could make a cake to take and share. Whatever we do, I will be grateful for another year of this life.  Sometimes, it seems difficult to slog through, and I feel like I'm messing everything up, other times, it feels pretty damn wonderful.  My family, my husband, and my friends both here and far away, are the best birthday presents ever.  The love I have surrounding me is the greatest gift I can imagine.  I hope I succeed in sharing it with you, because that's the only thing to do with love: share it. 

Sunday Shamblings

This morning, it was sunny and bright, and I wore a pastel dress.  By the time we got home from church, it was cloudy, gray, and cold, and I am now wearing jewel tones.  (Jeans, long-sleeve tee, and one of my paisley shawls.)

I made of cup of hot tea and had some soup for lunch.  All of the sudden it went from a golden Autumn day to a dreary one.  That's Oklahoma in the transitional seasons.  Changeable weather, often turning on a dime to the great dismay of anyone trying to plan for comfortable clothing for the day. Autumn here is much tamer and more beautiful than Spring.  Nearly everyone plants mums, and so there are as many blooms in appropriate colors in Fall as there are in Spring.  We do get severe weather, but traditionally not as deadly as that in the Spring.  And the trees.  Oh, the beautiful trees, where the tornadoes of Spring have left them for us, that is.  The tree in the neighbor's yard across the street has turned golden already, and is shedding gold upon the ground.  Our oak is beginning to redden in places, other trees around town are turning orange and gold and red as well.
Perhaps this impresses me more than it would some of you who hail from places back East where the seasons change dramatically from one to another, but living in Central Germany was my first experience of it.  I grew up in Los Angeles County, CA.  There ARE seasons there, they just aren't dramatically different from one another.  It gets hot in Summer, but never all THAT cold in Winter.  Autumn and Spring can pass you by unnoticed unless you pay attention.  Out here, in the Great Plains, where the land has barely been occupied a hundred years, Mother Nature slaps us in the face on a regular basis.  We CAN'T ignore the changing seasons, because it can be dangerous to do so.  It also makes me more mindful of the passing of time, of other changes going on in life, and I enjoy it.

The changing seasons help me remember that life is not standing still, that I am not standing still, however much I might like to sometimes.  Things are moving on, and so must I.  I then reflect for a moment and see all the things I have done, and to my sorrow, the things I have not done, and feel I should.  There is a reason, I think, that one line in one of Confessions Of Sin in the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer says: "...by what we have done, and by what we have left undone." Sometimes we KNOW something we could have done would have made something better or easier for someone else.  This prayer lets us acknowledge that we are lax, and that we are sorry for it.  The trick, then, is to pick ourselves up and try to be better about doing what we ought in the future.  Not easy.  Sometimes, in my own case, I am just too wrapped up in my own problems, my own needs, to see the needs of another, or even the little things that maybe aren't needs, but would make another person's life easier.  My challenge is to get out of my own head and pay more attention to others. REALLY not easy for someone who was basically an only child, and had few playmates as a youngster.  Took me a LONG time to learn to tolerate and cooperate with others in school.  (I like to think I learned to do so pretty well, but there are days...) Because I had so much adult attention at home, I learned to read and write long before most of my peers, had a better grasp of more esoteric things than my peers at a young age, and grew impatient easily with those who hadn't gotten there yet.  I really didn't know other kids just couldn't automatically decipher the written word.  I thought it was something that just came naturally.  I don't ever remember not being able to read. Before the end of first grade, though, I realized that some people couldn't do everything I could do, just like I realized I couldn't run, jump, catch a ball, or grasp the finer points of any sport as well as most of my peers.  No physical impairment, just that I always preferred to exercise my mind rather than my body.  (I have paid for that over the years, and now must exercise at least twice daily to keep myself at a reasonable level of health and fitness.) So, my peers and I learned how to respect our differing talents, and to learn from each other.  This was the best thing about school.  I learned things everywhere, not just in the classroom.  I also got my first taste of teaching, in a very informal way.

Here lately a few of the "things I have left undone" are projects related to my job that aren't really required, but would go a long way toward keeping me sharp and more useful as an employee.  I don't have time to do these things at work, as I am supposed to, so I try to do them at home.  I don't always succeed, as home has many distractions for my wandering mind to grab onto.  Going to try to remedy that this week. 

Another sign of time passing for me lately has been the weight I have lost since Matt and I changed our diet and started exercising more.  Matt made some more pictures of me today.  This keeps me motivated to stay on the program.

That's about all the rambles I have for this Sunday. 

An Adventure I Could Live Without

Or maybe I'll live better because of it...


Here I sit in a hospital room with my husband, waiting to see what the doctor has to say.  Not a fun way to spend a Monday.  Dear Husband evidently has high blood sugar in addition to a slight atrial flutter in his heart.  Lord only knows what else they will find while they're at it.

Guess both of us are in for a change in diet, and he's going to have to start exercising again at some point. Personally, I think if he can just lose the weight that he needs to lose, a lot of his other problems will go away, or at least improve greatly.  I have been struggling with trying to eat better and exercise more for the sake of maintaining my own health.

I am now home from the second day of sitting in a hospital room with my somewhat bored and resigned husband.  He has accepted that the lifestyle changes we've been saying we OUGHT to make, are now MANDATORY.  He is looking at this as a challenge to his considerable culinary skills. He is going to set out to develop diabetic and heart health friendly versions of some of our favorite foods.  He is also going to be exploring new foods and new ways to prepare foods that will let us eat well within the restrictions he faces.  (He has also demanded that I go and get all my numbers checked again, since it has been awhile.)

I know that I eat too many sweets, I also know that I could stand to lose about 20 pounds, but 35 would be even better.  (That would put me back where I was in my 20s.)  The real challenge for him is going to be exercise that he can safely do.  Me, I walk about a mile and 3/4 every day.  I also do free weights from time to time, and yoga once in a while.  Guess I'll have to step it up. 

Guess I should re-set my goals in my Lose It! app, and get busy.  Already started today eating better and logging my food and exercise again.  I have already lost four pounds from the last time I logged my weight. 

At least this hospital we are dealing with is close to home, and is full of nice staff.  Most of them are also very helpful and will answer what questions they can.  We have a friend who works in another part of the hospital, which is nice, because we get to see her if she has a chance to stop up and say hi.  Her daughter also works for the hospital, and she was up to see us also.  One of the priests from the church stopped in today as well.  Canon Susan was a stalwart support during our previous bout with a hospital when Matt had to have surgery on his spinal column.  I realize now we've known her for about 18 years, ever since we got more involved at St. Paul's.  Our church family was very supportive during that time, and I am sure they will be this time also. The fact that we will be developing healthier recipes will mean everyone at the cathedral will get healthier "After the 11" snacks when it's our turn from now on.  Probably a very good thing.

Well, this is enough disjointed and tired ramblings from me.  Time to crash and get up tomorrow and do it all again.