The Relativity of Aging

I may be getting older, but I certainly don't feel OLD.  I feel better about myself now than I ever have, I think.

I have lost a lot of weight over the last two years, I've started paying more attention to what I wear, and not feeling so constrained about what is and isn't appropriate for my "age" as I used to.  I go with what looks good.  If it looks tasteful and not tacky, it's a go.  If it's a snugger fit, or a slinkier fabric than I might have felt comfortable in before, once again, if it looks  right, I get it.

For so long, I thought I was too chunky, too busty, too old, too conservative to wear the things that deep down, I really wanted to wear.  Skinny cut jeans (with stretch, I'm no masochist, not even for the sake of looking good), low cut tops, metallic fabrics (within reason), dresses that are form-fitting, bras with less than 4 rows of hooks.  I have found that I can indeed wear these things, and they look fine.  I don't look ridiculous, and I am comfortable.

I've been playing with nail polish again, too.  Not only looks cool, but it protects my nails from all the slams and scrapes of daily life.  Makes it less likely that I'll have raggedy cuticles, too.

I am also letting all the dye grow out of my hair.  So far, it looks pretty good.  Next cut will tell more about how much gray there really is.  I have decided to just own the fact that I have gray hair, and live with it, at least for awhile.  If it looks like I think it will, it should be fine.

This shows both my style and my haircolor.

The best thing that comes with age is that sense of being comfortable, confident, even powerful in your own skin.  I know that I have more confidence in myself today than I had when I was 25.  Today, if a boss dared be so unprofessional as to raise their voice to me, they probably wouldn't like the scolding they'd get in return. (None of my supervisors are that unprofessional. I was remembering one I had in my 20s.  Would not go down that way now. )  3o years lends one wonderful perspective.

This new confidence does flee on occasion.  It is indeed difficult to overcome a lifetime of habitual slumping, hiding, and being meek.  I am trying to remember to walk tall and sit tall, and be proud.

A friend posted this on Facebook recently, and it struck me as something I've been trying to tell myself a lot lately.  I'm DONE hiding.  Time to own how good I look, and ENJOY it!

Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, to be confident, is an ongoing process.  I still have moments of abject panic, as when I have to sing something I am less than prepared to sing in public.  My brain just seems to shut off on such occasions, leaving me certain that I cannot do something that I SHOULD be able to do. Still working on the courage to do things that I might regret not doing in the future.  Chances that should be taken, words that should be spoken, poems that ought to be written.  People that should be hugged, walks that need to be taken, songs that must be sung!
I am still very much a work in progress.  I have let chances go by even just recently that I should have taken.  I have also taken some chances and been very glad I did!
Also resisting the urge to correct the grammar in that graphic I used!  Ha!  Once a teacher...

Getting Older

There is a birthday looming in my near future.  It isn't a milestone.  It is three years past a milestone.  Seven years from the next one.  There are  sags and lines and grey hairs that I didn't notice before.  There is less energy sometimes.  Things ache that didn't used to, even if it is only for a little while in the morning.  Some joints are lumpy.  Veins are more visible.  The bad part is, my mind, my interests, all that makes me "me" still feels about like it did when I was 25.  I have many interests and activities, I hang out with people of all ages, both older and younger than myself. 
There are days when I don't feel like doing much, but I make myself get up and do SOMETHING anyway. 
The crunch of diminishing time available is present.  There are things I want to do that I fear I just will never get around to doing.  Either too busy with something else I love, or no money.  Because I love my job.  It is one of those things that gets me off my behind and makes me get involved in life even on days when I  don't really want to.  I love the people I work with, I even love our customers most of the time.  (OK, so the sixth person in a row to ask me about tax forms, I may not love them very much, but I won't kill them.)
The singing commitments I have are very special to me.  I have found that I love to sing, that it gives me a chance to express myself in ways I cannot otherwise.  Choir, of course, is part of my faith commitment.  We help lead the worship at church , so choir is a ministry.  Master Chorale is something more for fun, but it is a challenge.  A bet with myself that I can discipline myself to learn this music well enough to sing it in public.  Voice lessons are necessary.  I would not be able to sing at all without them.  Recitals are fun.  Since everybody is in the same boat, I don't get too awfully nervous.  
 I have friends I love, and I love to spend time with them. They make me laugh, and all of us feel the years fall away when we get started laughing about things.  (Even if some of us only get together online, the laughter is good for us.)  The friends I spend time with here though, they are the best. They've known me for the last 20 years or so.  They've seen age creep up, but still think of me like I used to be.  Priceless people.
(That redheaded man in the picture on the left below, he still sees me as that sweet young thing he has his arm around there.  God bless his little heart.)
 Still, some days I mourn the smooth, firm line my jaw once had.  I mourn the figure that allowed me to wear more revealing things without looking desperate.  I even mourn the long hair that was such a pain in the a** to take care of.  Now I can improve some of these things.  I can firm the figure up by getting back into my exercise routine, but the skin will never be as smooth as it once was, no matter what I do to it.  But I don't want to recapture my youth.  I want to come to terms with where I am now.  I want to still feel that I am beautiful, that I am NOT an "old lady".  (Though some of my family members will argue that I was born about 35 years old and never really had a childhood.  Yes I did.  It's called Fandom, and I immersed myself in it from my teen years on...) 
In short, I want the way I look to match the way I feel about myself a little better.  Still haven't figured out how to do that.  I figure the exercise is at least a start, as it will improve my health if nothing else.  (Or, it might just make something else start to hurt...)

                











1983                                                                                                                           2013