Some Verse Before Sleeping (Or Trying To)

Oh, thou unrepentant muse
That only speaks when time
Runs short
How long must you abuse
This poor heart of mine?
When my head is muzzy
And my heart weary,
My perceptions fuzzy,
And my mind leary,
THIS is when you choose
To release your treasures
To light the fuse
Of creativity,
When it is FAR TOO LATE
At night for me
To be awake and trying
To stare at a screen
And punch correct keys.

Now the story line will tumble
And perhaps end up in a jumble
 Because I just can't take enough time
To get it all down and let it unwind
Still, it will haunt my dreams
And morph and edit itself
It seems
And I must hope and pray
That the gist of the thing will stay
And still be there tomorrow
When I finally can
Sit me down and try to write again.
But, knowing you as I do,
I doubt it will go so smoothly
For when time is not an issue

I can say quite truthfully,
Your willingness to cooperate IS.


Now I lay me down to sleep
 I pray the Lord my muse to keep
That it survive another night
To come again and help me get the story right.

If it should flee before I wake,
I pray the Lord that muse to shake
And get it to start up singing
That I may get my words a flinging.

That from my head and onto the page
A story may  come to age
That others may read and enjoy
The gift you allow me to employ.

So for awhile cares may be eased
And hearts may well feel pleased
May what I write see needs addressed
That all who read may in some way be blessed.



 And so, in the midst of something
I must stop, and honor physical needs
Even though a story is in the offing
Something I want myself to read,
I must put it aside
Pray that it is still there later
When I come to take it up
And hope it goes where I need it to.


Time, thou ever sneaking thief
You
Steal my youth,
Steal my momentum,
Steal my very life

How am I to get caught up
With your roaring juggernaut
How get done what must be done
Before another setting of the sun?


And so, to bed
While visions of plot bunnies
Run through my head

More Maddening Bits that Fall Into and Out Of My Head

One of the librarians asked today: "If you had to choose a book to "be" , like the people at the end of Farenheit451, which book would you choose to be?"  It's a stumper.  There are so many books I love.  Shakespeare, Frost, Longfellow, Ogden Nash, heck, BRADBURY! Which book to choose?!

There are days when I feel like I am entirely unappreciated and taken for granted.  Good ol' Katie, always where she's supposed to be, always does what needs to be done.  Some days I feel like disappearing.  Then we'd see if I was missed.

My love is not given lightly. If I say I love you, it is no small thing to me.



2/11/16
"We walk upon a midnight's rug neither drunk nor dreamed nor drugged." - Bukowski

The only lines that catch me in today's reading.
Cats, hunters, traditionally tend to stalk the night
and some humans, perhaps innocently,
Stalk in midnight's dark, as well.
Those who can't sleep
Perhaps kept wakeful
By words and images in their heads
Things that want out desperately
Yet balk at the blank page
Or the empty screen.
No alcohol, no dreams, no chemical inducements-
Just stubborn muses
Who refuse to be hurried along.
Much like the moon.
And the cat.


2/12

"The factories, the jails, the drunken days and nights, the hospitals have weakened and shaken me like a mouse in the mouth of a hip-cat:  life." - Bukowski


I feel weakened and shaken, but it is more by the endless chores and endless losses that seem to make up life.
"We all live in a yellow subroutine" is an OLD programmer's joke, but it is very apt.
Most of us in this life spend most of our time dealing with seemingly trivial background matters - those delegated to a subroutine in a program-
However, any programmer can tell you, if even one little line of a subroutine breaks down, if those "trivial" bits cease to be dealt with, the entire program WILL crash.


How little time there is to really enjoy the moments we are alive.  So many details barge in, our own needs, the needs of others, future needs that want planning for, how are we ever supposed to just BE in this world?  It's too damn hard to do.  Too difficult to find time to just soak up your surroundings and your existence.  Intrusions are everywhere, but most of all inside my own head.  Words, words, words, passions, colors, shapes, love, sorrow, joy, all come crowding in, all at once, and shatter any hard-won silence I may find.

Tuesday Morning Jots

Reading Bukowski's writings on cats first thing in the morning is probably not the sanest thing to do. So full  of the savagery and the beauty of life - the enigma that is the cat.
No worse than reading the Bible, I suppose.
The Bible is also full of savagery, and beauty.
All the truest observations about this life God made.  Man in all his cruelty, Nature in its absolute adherence to the laws set forth for it.
Perhaps that is the lesson.
Nature's laws are often brutal- kill or be killed- you are either Predator or Prey - Humans are SUPPOSED to be better, supposed to have mercy, because God has Mercy, and we are supposed to be made in God's image.
Isn't that the whole of the Bible right there? The call to humans to  live up to the truth of their creation, after all?


Just my random Tuesday morning before serious caffeine thoughts.  Your mileage may (and probably should) vary.

Rhyme
Fighting through a bit of malaise
These last few days
Emotionally feeling like shit
Not much of life seeming to fit
My friends are the same
Some too quiet, some too game
The few just right
Know my trouble at first sight.
My love just leaves me be with it
Having learned over the years that it
Isn't something he can fix
That unborn words are part of this mix
Frustration more than sadness
Is at the heart of this madness
And All will soon be well again
Once I can take up my pen.

(All written by C.K.Armistead February 9, 2016)

Yes, It's Been Monday All Day

To begin with, I woke up with a bit of a headache, and got a slow start on the day. 
The workouts I normally do were all accomplished, no problem.
I got a few chores done.
I have NO idea where the rest of my morning and early afternoon went.

Voice lesson was not as successful as the last two because I had sinus issues that were causing irritation, and therefore problems with my upper range.  (No nice, clear high notes today.)

At this point in the late evening, I am well into the 12 to 14 hours of fasting I must do before they draw blood for my annual cholesterol, glucose, etc screenings.  Haven't had any alcohol for five days, can't have anything but water tonight and tomorrow morning until they get the blood drawn.  I'm gonna be a serious bitch tomorrow morning.  No caffeine. Yikes.  Hope I don't really have to deal with anyone until after I'm allowed some caffeine. Driving while decaffeinated may be interesting as well.  There also may be the small issue of a withdrawal headache.
It could well be that tomorrow will feel even more like Monday than today has.  (Especially for the lab people who have to deal with me when I've had NO caffeine!)

Some Thoughts On Recent Headlines

I think everybody needs a hug today. Those people who rioted in Ferguson are not typical, nor are the police whose us vs them mindset started this whole catastrophe, which was exacerbated by the media pandering to the "if it bleeds, it leads" mentality. This whole business is just sad, sad, sad. Glad Dr. King isn't here to see it. This would disappoint him so.
It makes me that much more grateful for local police who reach for their can of mace or their baton before they reach for their gun, unless they are certain the person facing them is armed. (I've seen them at work, I know. The gun is the last resort with our guys. )
The idiots who seemingly delighted in an excuse to destroy almost drowned out the touching and far wiser plea of the Brown family. Violence and hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that, as Dr. King said. The Brown family is pleading for people to find ways to effect CONSTRUCTIVE change. 
 So sad that we have not traveled further from the days of my early childhood, when people of color finally stood up and said with quiet determination "No more." No more will our young men be hung on trees like grotesque ornaments for no good reason other than that they happened to be the wrong color in the wrong place at the wrong time. No more will we allow ourselves to be shoved to the "back of the bus", or excluded from common facilities,or denied rights that are deemed fundamental to all humans.

We have made some            progress, yes, but there is still SO far to go. We need to learn to see each other as humans first, inconsequential differences of exterior appearance becoming just that. 
It is not the guilt of only one group. We ALL need to stop deciding someone hates us, or we hate them, based solely on appearance. Not every dark face belongs to a hoodlum. Not every light face belongs to a racist who seeks to harm those who are different.
 Again and again we ignore the words of all those leaders we purport to follow. From Jesus to Gandhi to Dr. King, we refuse to love our neighbor as ourselves, to do right even when others do wrong, in fact, most sadly, we don't love ourselves. I think that is the true basis for most of the trouble in this world.

  
For the sake of all of us, I hope we learn.   

Staff Day Adventures

Our library system has a staff development day every year.  The last two years I have missed because I've been at my Mom's in Alabama, helping my sister do Mom's heavy yard work for the Fall. 
This year, our trip falls AFTER staff day, so I was in attendance today. 
Staff day is usually at least a little bit fun, because we get to see colleagues that work at other branches who maybe we worked with at our branch or on a committee before.  It's a good time to reconnect with your fellow strugglers against ignorance, your fellow crusaders in the cause of information availability.  It lets us know it isn't just us, we're ALL a little bit insane! :)
This year, I am glad I could go.  I was afraid though, that I would never make it in time to pick up my two coworkers who were car pooling with me.
Let me tell you a story.  Our little city of Moore, OK is bisected by the BNSF rail road tracks.  Only TWO streets, one on the South side of the city, and one on the North side, go under the tracks.  All three of the central main drags are blocked by the train.  Guess what happened before I could cross the stupid tracks this morning, when I was in a hurry?  Oh, yeah.  LOOONG, SLOOOW train.  I tried to beat it to 4th Street, no luck.  So I had to go all the way to SE 19th, and then across to Telephone and back up to SW 2nd to pick up my first friend, and then I had to drive all the way to Norman to pick up my second friend, and THEN drive to the other SIDE of Norman to get to the conference location.  (Which happened to be the USPS National Center for Employee Development, where Matt works.)  (They have a separate conference center which is REALLY nice.)  We managed to arrive in plenty of time, despite the best efforts of Big Nasty Stinking Freighttrain.  (Which is what we here locally call the Burlington Northern Santa Fe.)
Once we got there, things went pretty well.  I was tired, and some of the presenters made it hard to keep my focus, but most of it was pretty good. Lunch was really nice, because we had lunch tickets that gave us free reign in the food court.  Matt came and joined us for lunch, which was nice.  (He had to buy his, though.)  I behaved myself.  I had a salad. 
I hate these things because I have to spend so much of the day sitting.  I HATE to sit still for hours at a time.  I am WAY behind on my step count, so I now have to go and do my elliptical trainer time that I didn't have time for this morning. 
So, another staff day survived, no awards won in our department, but hey, we've all won them before.  (I got one at my second staff day.   I have been with the system for 14 years now.)
The only part of the day I could really have lived without was the whole system staff picture.  It was a totally disorganized zoo.  The individual branch pictures were more efficiently done.  I also hate being squished in the middle of a crowd like that.  Claustrophobia is my nemesis.  I don't like enclosed spaces, or being that close to so many people. Even people I like, and I really like my coworkers.  Our branch in particular is a crazy fun place to work.  The jokes are fast and furious in he circ work area some days. 
Won't be much fun for awhile because we are missing our Melodie.  Her laugh and her smile were precious to all of us.  Long ago, she introduced me to Sandra Boynton's kids music.  The songs are funny and catchy and won't drive adults nuts.  I used to cheer Melodie up some days when she was a little down by starting out the "Dinosaur Blues".  I'd sing "I got those dinosaur blues..." and she'd chime in with "From my hat to my shoes" , and smile at me. 
So, on this day when we all gathered to renew friendships and to learn, we paused a moment to remember Melodie and her kindness, her patience, and her loving nature.  We will always try to be more like her.