What Lasts

My Mom is slowly leaving us.  Her mind is wandering off.  She forgets to eat, she forgets what day it is, sometimes she forgets where she is, but she never forgets the ones she loves.  She always knows us kids when we call, and my sister and I visited last week, and she knew exactly who we were.  She remembers all about our Pop, and what a good husband he was.  She misses him.  She remembers love. 
Of all the things we have in this life, of all the things we leave behind, love is the one that trumps them all.  When I remember my childhood, I don't remember all the stuff I had, I remember all the fun I had with my siblings and with Mom and Pop.  I remember the love.  Our family isn't very demonstrative, or especially mushy, but we know we are loved.  We have had our differences, our ups and downs, and our distances, but we love each other.  Love is durable.  It can stand a few falls into the dust, and come up shinier than ever. 

When I leave this world, I want to be remembered for being loving.  Love is the best thing to give, because it multiplies and comes back to you.  I want to be thought of with love.  To achieve that, I have to be willing to be giving and loving even when that is hard work. 
Marriage teaches you what hard work loving can be.  If you learn the lessons well, you come out stronger.  Matt and I have been through many ups and downs together.  We always see it through.  We love each other.  Always.  Even when we are irritated with one another, even when things get to us, we still love each other.  Matt can nearly always make me laugh.  More than 31 years together.  Both of us are still alive.  We like that old joke: "We've never once considered divorce.  Murder, yes, divorce, no."
Working with young children teaches you about the work involved in loving, too.  Patience is not one of my virtues, but for the sake of the kids I have worked with, because I love them, I learned.  I still pray for those kids who were my one full time class. I wish I could see how they all turned out.  They all still take up space in my heart.  There are many others who have added themselves to my heart over the years. 

Friends are another source of love.  I have many.  I am blessed.  A few who are especially close, more like a family.  Some I've only met online, one or two of those feel much closer than that. 

Mom had students, too.  She touched many lives when she was a preschool teacher.  Those kids loved her, and she loved them, too.  All her friends where she lives now love her.  Even the staff where she is tell us how she has worked her way into their hearts, how funny she is, how obviously caring.  Even when she isn't entirely there. 

As legacies go, one could do a lot worse than to leave behind as much love as Mom always has.  I only hope that the ones I love know they are loved.  Treasured, even. 

Those of us who are Christians, our faith calls us to love.  Jesus was (and is) all about the love.  "Love one another as I have loved you." "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, and with all your spirit, and your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets."  We are not called to judge, to see if we (or others) "measure up".  Jesus chose the broken ones, the less than sterling characters to be his disciples.  He loved them.  We are supposed to operate on the same principle.  Love.  Far too often we fall abysmally short.  That we are still loved is testament to God's faith in us, in our ability to learn and grow in love. 
I pray that we all, regardless of our faith or lack thereof, learn the value of love. That we learn to live in love, to share that love, and to leave that love behind us when we go.  Because love is the only thing that truly lasts.

Things I Have Learned

Things my marriage has taught me:

1)  The minute you get an interview for a good job, he will get orders to move to a new duty station.

2)  There is a great deal to be said for the alone time available when the spouse is TDY.  You learn to be independent, and if you're lucky, he isn't gone all that long.

3)  Extra flight caps stored in the car are an absolute necessity.  Especially if your man leaves his on airplanes all the time.

4)  Any major appliance about to fail, or automotive or other household disaster that may be looming will wait until spouse is TDY to drop on your head.

5)  Forget wondering where the missing socks go, where the heck do the missing forks end up?  Seriously.  I don't want to be standing in the way when they show back up.  (We are down at least five forks from one set of flatware alone, and this one hasn't been involved in a PCS move, so we can't blame the packers.)

6)  The true test of a marriage is its ability to withstand the riding of a tandem bicycle.  Especially if he is a former road racer who likes to spin the pedals ALL the time.  (Also bad if he takes revenge for being tickled by running over bumps and not warning you.  If you are the stoker, on the rear seat, as I was, bumps will tend to launch you off the seat unless you know they're coming up...)
(Note, almost 30 years later, we ARE still married...)

7) Tolerance of one another's enthusiasms is a good policy.  He doesn't say much about my Beauty and the Beast fandom, and I don't say much about his Bernadette Peters obsession.  (Truth be told, I appreciate her work, too.  She is one heck of a good singer and actress.)

8) Things you can do together are important.  We both like to cook, we both sing.  Sometimes, we even collaborate on recipes and we sing duets!  (When he doesn't sing over me.  He has a very powerful and dark Baritone, I am a lyric Soprano.)

9)  Unfortunately, nagging doesn't work.  Some things he will just have to learn from difficult experience.  You are NOT his mother.

10)  No matter how bad things seem, no matter how angry you may be, never go to sleep, or let him leave on a trip without telling him you love him.  You never know.  (And you do know you love him.)  (At least, I know I love Matthew.  He's still alive, isn't he?)


Things I have learned from my job:

1)  Flexibility is necessary for growth.  That rut you like being stuck in is not good for you or anybody else.  Go with the flow, learn new ways of doing things.

2)  People will respond well to being treated with kindness and given your whole attention.  There will always be some cranky stinkers, but most people are glad to be pleasant if you are.

3)  Young people today are not as bad as you may think. In fact, many of them are stellar individuals who have an excellent work ethic, and are kind and caring human beings, too.

4)  You are only as "old" as your attitude.  You can choose to dwell in the past and be left behind, or you can learn about new technology and fit right in with today's society.  I choose to learn all I can about new technologies.  Some of them have proven fun AND useful.

5)  Library staffs run on chocolate.  (It's true.  Chocolate is absolutely necessary.)

Things I have learned from life in general:

1)  You are never as skinny as you think you are.  Always try the clothes on before you buy.

2)  If you water the garden well, it will rain for three straight days shortly thereafter.  If you DON'T water the garden, it will be hot and dry for three days straight.  Your plants will all die.

3)  A good haircut is worth what you pay for it.  Ditto for color done in a salon.

4)  You are never too old to put your favorite music on and dance like crazy around the house.  It is good therapy, and makes you feel like a teenager again - at least for awhile.

5)  Buy yourself flowers.  Most of the time, nobody else is going to, and sometimes you need that beauty. 

6)  Find something you love to do, and put your whole heart into it.  I sing.  I love it when I can stand up and bring out a sound that rings clear and true. 

7)  If you were good at something that you have given up, try it again.  You may actually find you are even better at it now.

8)  Try new things.  New foods, new ways of doing things, new authors, new activities, anything you haven't tried before.  It keeps your spirit engaged, keeps you from becoming stale.

9)  Yes, that "old lady" in the mirror is you.  No, you do not look as bad as you think you do.  Most people you see every day now do not know or do not remember how you looked at 22, so don't dwell on lost youth.

10)  Tell ALL the people you love that you love them when you have the chance.  Even if they are not family, tell them.  If you love what they do, their sense of humor, their smile, the fact that they are always where they are supposed to be when they are supposed to be there, tell them you love them for it.  There is no such thing as too much love.  Everyone you appreciate deserves to know they are appreciated.

Those of you who actually read this blog, I do appreciate you.  Those who also write, I appreciate you because I know how hard it can be to stare down a blank page.  Those of you who have inspired me, and you know who you are, (ahem, Anne Lower,  Michael M. Ornstein)  I appreciate you and I love the fact that you share your talents with the world.

Random Compositions Written Today

Today's Poem
C.K. Armistead, 5/6/13
(For Matthew, obviously.)

Don't you dare leave me
You have to stay
Don't you dare grieve me
My heart dies that way.
Why did you scare me?
You know I love you.
Why try to dare me
To put up with you?

You know I'm staying
I've been here so long
You know I'm not playing
I'm trying to be strong.
You've been beside me
Through loss and pain
Been there to guide me
Back through the rain.

We can't change it now
The way has been set
We made our vows
We've never broken them yet.
You must survive, Love,
Even if I do not,
You are the prize, Love
That my poor heart bought.



Time Traces
C.K. Armistead 5/6/13

Time is but a whisper,
A phantom on the wind.
You think it runs forever
But your share of it will end.
In youth it moves so slowly,
You think you've got all day.
With age it dawns abrubtly,
You've whiled it all away.

These fingers once so elegant,
Now knotted with age and bent
This jaw once firm and lovely
Now softened, hanging loosely
My eye once sharp and clear
Grows much cloudier every year
My beauty once a truth of me
Now gone with the youth of me.

But time leaves a gift in its wake
If we but look to find it
Experience profound to make
Our memories to bind it.
These hands so many things have done
This jaw set firm too many times
The love that through my years has run
Lost beauty far outshines.


Fickle Spring

C.K. Armistead 5/6/13

Ah, fickle Spring,
Though flowers do bloom
And birds do sing,
Though rabbits do ramble
And squirrels scramble bold,
Yet do you hide your warmth,
And pelt us with cold.
Cold your winds, again frae the North,
Fickle your favors to those on this Earth.



These were written in just the last little while,, as I sat here and stared at the page.  Thanks to Michael M. Ornstein, who brought up poetry on Twitter today, and got me in a poetic state of mind. 

A Valentine For The Man I Love

 This post contains a LOT of pictures.  This is a love story about the most patient, kind, talented, and unusual man I have ever met.  My husband  Matthew.  The picture above this paragraph was made on our wedding day in 1984.  Our expressions may look like true love, but it is really relief because we are standing over the air conditioning vent.
We met in a Star Trek fan club that I had joined, and his mother and sister had joined.  They were campaigning for more members, so Matt's mother convinced him that he should join.  At the "launching party" for our new chapter of the club, Matt kept ending up next to me, and he started calling me after the party to talk  We talked almost every day.   He made me laugh.  Sometimes so hard that I'd cry.  His sense of humor is even more evil than mine.
He was active duty Air Force when we met.  A Staff Sergeant (he made rank early) and an aircraft loadmaster on C-141s.  He was stationed at Norton Air Force Base in San Bernardino, CA.
We dated for about three months before we knew it was love.  He asked me to marry him on my birthday in 1984.  My engagement ring has an amethyst in it because that is my birthstone, and also because he wanted to continue making house payments.  When he got a big re-enlistment bonus, instead of buying a car, he bought a house.  (He had his Mom and Sister and nephew living with him when I met him, one reason he had bought the house.)

Here are a few more wedding pictures.  I think we were a pretty cute couple.

 After we were married, he taught me how to ride a bike again.  He had ridden with a minor racing team in Panama when he was a teen growing up in the Canal Zone.  He had also ridden track.  He could track stand a regular road bike longer than almost any other human being I have ever seen.

He has the patience of a saint.  He put up with more whining and complaining, and me almost dumping us both off our tandem bike, and he still loves me. 
 (And I still love him even though I SWEAR he ran over every bump he could find on that tandem just to launch me off that back seat.)

He got to go back to Panama once in a while on air drop missions.  This picture is him pulling in the jump platform on a C-141 after the jumpers have all exited the aircraft. 

I have always been so proud of him and his dedication to his service to this country.  It was a job he loved, and he did it well.    I never minded the late night trips to the base to either drop him off or pick him up.  It was worth it.  He was worth it.  I loved going out to the base with him to watch the planes coming in or doing pilot training.  Some nights he was at the squadron waiting to find out if the airdrop birds had in fact dropped, and whether they needed to go help unload, or at the very least retrieve their CDS  buffer board.  I sometimes took dinner in the crockpot to share with whoever was waiting with him.  His nickname was Army-N-Stead, and they all called me Mrs. Army.  I was always proud to be his, I know he was well-respected by the guys he worked with.

You can tell he was still active duty in the picture at my mom's house where he was carving the turkey.  (After my Pop died, Matt got to do that job when we were visiting, unless my brother wanted to.  )
Matt has always taken such good care of me.  He worried about leaving me alone in San Bernardino, but he made it as safe as possible.  He used to leave me love notes scattered around the house before he went TDY.  He'd hide them in my dresser drawers, in the spice rack in the pantry, in my books, anywhere I'd come upon them unexpectedly.
And every time he came home, it was a very romantic occasion.  Sometimes I miss those days, because we were both a lot more romantic, and I think we were both more aware of the fact that life is short, and you really aren't guaranteed a tomorrow.  Every time I dropped him at that squadron, it could have been the last time I ever saw him.  That was always in the back of our minds.  Even in peacetime, flying airdrop missions as he so often did is not exactly the safest game in town.  His squadron lost a crew to a crash while we were at Norton.  They flew right into a mountainside during a low level training  mission.

 Here is our house in San Bernardino where we lived for the first five years we were married.  It was small, old, and had interesting wiring.  But it was enough for us.  We were very happy there, and when we got orders to go to Germany, we worked hard to fix it up and sell it.

 Here at the right is a picture of Matt on a C-130.  He cross-trained to C-130s before we went to Germany.  He has so many hours in both C-141s and C-130s, that for awhile, it seemed he had spent  most of his life in flight.    I always enjoyed working with him when the squadron needed spouses to support air show activities, and even once to pack some CDS kits for the squadron in Germany because they were so short handed.  Matt had a whole system set up for packing the kits, with detailed instructions.  Two of us packed, and an airman inspected the finished kits to make sure they were all right before they got put on the shelf. 

While we were in Germany, Desert Shield and Desert Storm happened.  Matt had to leave on rather short notice, and there was no way of knowing when (or if) he'd come back.  Those seven months were nerve wracking.  How the folks survive the long tours in Iraq and Afganistan is beyond me.  I know we were blessed in that I was out on a farm with wonderful German landlords who more or less adopted me, and Matt was on Cargo aircraft, which because of their size and tendency to fly slowly, were always kept at bases farther to the rear of any action until and unless troops and/or cargo needed to be dropped. 

It still thrills me to hear a C-130.  It reminds me of the day he came home from Desert Storm.  The whole SKY was full of C-130s coming home, and on the ramp, all us wives and the Germans were cheering non-stop.

The photo above left was made when he got to come home for Christmas during Desert Shield.  His crew drew the straw that let them bring the airplane back that was scheduled for maintenance at that time.  (With C-130s the age those birds were, maintenance was religiously observed.  It was the only reason they were still flyable.)


After the Gulf War,  Matt cross trained to Ops Resource Management.  His shoulder had been messed up one too many times by getting rammed into a pallet that got stuck when they were loading it.  He didn't fly any more after that.  He still got to work 12 hour shifts in Current Operations at Rhein- Main Air Base, where he was NCOIC of the Current Operations office until we PCSed to Tinker in 1993.

He was in the Ops Resource Center at the 966th AWACS training squadron here at Tinker until 1998 when he retired.  He was NCOIC of the section when he retired

.
We have been through a lot in our almost 29 years, and though things occasionally get tense, we are still just as much in love as we were then.  Though the spinal cord surgery he had eight years ago has affected many things about him, like made him gain a ton of weight and made it hard to get off, and  reduced his mobility in some ways, he still keeps going, works hard, and does so many nice things for me.
He now works for the Postal Service as a contractor for OU.  He works at the Training center putting courses online so fewer people have to travel for necessary training, and they can train more people at once.  He is putting all his hard won computer expertise to good use.
He takes good care of me still, and he still puts up with my quirks even though he no longer has the respite of going TDY.
He is still funny, and he can still make my knees weak. 


The picture below was made on Christmas Day 2009.  We don't have any really good pictures of us together that are more recent.

My darling Matthew, there can never be another that can make me feel the way you do.  Right from the start, you got me.  You understood, you never belittled my fan interests, you shared some of them, and you have always encouraged me to try new things, to find my strengths, even when I am sure I will fall spectacularly on my face. I think the true testimony to our love is that we are both still here.  We haven't killed each other yet!  I know both of us are too stubborn to ever contemplate divorce.  We made a promise before God and our friends and families, and we both honor our promises.  You have certainly loved me and put up with me, and cared for me, in situations that could not have always been easy for you.  Thanks for a great life, and here's hoping for at least 29 more years!