Time for another gleaning from my writing journal. Some are poems, some are scenes, some just little bits of life's annoying nature.
May 29, 2017
By our celebrations
and cookouts today
Perhaps we really do
Show gratitude
To those who died
Defending our right
To speak freely,
Worship as we choose,
And pursue happiness.
We are only doing things
They would do
If they were still here
To enjoy them, too.
So let's raise our glasses
To absent friends
And relatives
And remember to appreciate
This freedom
Bought for us
At such a great price.
May 30, 2017
Chocolate chip shortbread is TOO good.
Gaining weight is far too easy.
Weariness is a companion that has become all too familiar.
June 4, 2017
Insomnia, thou art
Too familiar
A guest
Rather more
An intruder
These days.
Would that you
Be gone tonight-
Just pack your
Intrusive thoughts
And random aches
And pains
Into your
Well-worn
Case
And GO.
And don't come back.
Also
You can stop
With the traveling itches
And muscle twitches
And bathroom breaks
I am supposed to
Be sleeping
Not suffering.
Perhaps too much caffeine
Is your invitation
Or eating too late in
The evening
Or drinking too much water -
Or exercising too late -
I don't know.
I just want you gone.
Tomorrow
There will be bagels
Also
I will renew my driver's license
And I will attempt to eat
Less crap
And more healthy stuff.
June 7, 2017
If I want my blood pressure to go down,
I have to stop looking at anything to do with the current administration-
At least until somebody confirms he and all his minions are GONE.
Emotions are such a
Yo-yo right now.
Up and down
Hope and despair
Joy and sadness
Wish things would settle down
Out there in the world
So
They could also settle down
Here in my heart.
Wish I could finish my story
And get some more poetry
Written.
It's so hard to sit down and get anything written.
June 9, 2017
Strange how sometimes things you get for free
Can become favorite items.
For years we've used a citrus peeler I got as a freebie at a Tupperware party.
I am currently enamored of a stylus pen given out by a local business and given to me by a friend.
Strange how odd things can be so useful.
The teapot my mother used most (which I now own) was one she got free in a supermarket promotion.
Our one and only kitchen funnel was given to us as a promotional gift by our Fuller Brush man long ago and far away.
July 1, 2017
Behold-
The world's most
Neglected journal-
My most neglected art
My writing.
My singing is also much
Neglected lately.
Both deficits add
To the darkness
In my soul.
A project I've been
Sitting on for about a month -
Candy Wrapper Wisdom
From Dove Chocolates:
"Coin a new catchphrase."
"Build a bridge with chocolate."
"Give someone a compliment."
"Make all food finger food."
"Share something OFFline"
"Why not?"
"Lend an ear, and a chocolate."
If I want to use up
This journal
And be able to use
A new one
At the turn of the year-
I need to get busy
And write.
Too often
I sit
And stare
At a screen
Reading
Or watching
Other people's
Stories.
Time to justify all these pens
And the empty journals
Waiting to be used.
Today started out to be a not so good day
Recycle center closed until the 7th
Doughnut place was sold out.
Came to work, couple of stinky customer problems.
Got MY customer sorted-
Everybody else has been fine.
More and more every day
It looks like the Nazis who were elected last November
Are trying to dismantle our country.
I only hope God hears our prayers
And stops them.
July 4, 2017
New York
First known as
New Amsterdam
THE City
The Big Apple
Icon of America
For many.
Truly what we think of
When someone says
The Big City.
Last night we had Mother Nature's fireworks.
Thunder rattling the window,
Lightning's blinding flash
Tonight we have the man-made
Variety
Pretty, but nowhere near as impressive.
July 6, 2017
Summer afternoon
Hot
Steamy
Busy
The library is cool
So we have
LOTS of people
In here.
My personality type is supposed to like plans
Well, when I have something specific to do, or someplace to go,
I like a plan to follow.
As far as goals, long term planning, I suck at that.
I meander along with no over-riding purpose -
Just getting through each day as it comes.
I need to get myself and Matt more motivated
and set some goals -
Maybe using our trip to NYC in the spring as a motivator for financial as well as fitness goals-
My biggest issue is laziness and being too easily tempted by instant gratification as far as eating and spending go.
We need more planning.
I also need a bit more of a life goal than just surviving. We both need to have something to work toward---
----July 22, 2017----
Behold, a blank page.
Left unintenionally
in the midst of my writings.
So wrong to leave paper unused, as though my mind had suddenly gone mute.
It feels as though it does, sometimes.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with what must be processed - as though my intellect must sort through the input dump and weed out that which is itself poisonous, or which triggers toxic responses.
So often lately, dealing with my own body's betrayal I feel as though I will NEVER get all of this sorted and get my calm reasserted. Order escapes me.
Chaos seems to reign, at least inside my head.
And then phrases come
Like chants
Like prayers
Out of the maelstrom
And ask to be written down
For you have never left me alone in the dark before
You have always let me see your light
And by that light, the beauty of all that is -
You will not abandon me now, I know.
I have only to reach for
Your hand...
-------------
July 14, 2017 (back to normal order of entries)
In eleven days I go to have cataract and glaucoma surgery.
Never thought I'd be anxious to get a surgery done, but because of the type of glaucoma I have -
It's best to go quickly so I don't go blind.
The idea of the surgery kinda creeps me out, and the risks, though very small, are also real and scary.
The alternative is even scarier.
The changes will be hard to deal with in the short term, but in the end my vision may just be better, and I MAY only need reading glassed once we're all done. I will also, I hope, be less likely to have an acute attack and suddenly go blind. The drops I take will help this, too.
July 17, 2017
Just A Bunch Of Random Crap That Runs Through My Mind
(Wait. That sounds gross ...)
Things I Ponder In Odd Moments
(Much better.)
There seems to be a plague of mourning doves in Oklahoma.
Everywhere I go I see them. There's even one nesting in the rain gutters on the house.
Why do I run out of energy when I most need it?
How can I seem so calm when I am running around screaming on the inside?
Why are eye drops such a pain?
July 22, 2017
My love, why do you make simple tasks so difficult for me? Leaving things stuck on utensils and the sink, to dry into concrete I cannot easily remove? Why do you eat too much of the things you should not? Are you getting even with me for bringing those things here in the first place?
Well, the cheesecake filling was my fault. I needed it for the strawberry pie.
And perhaps making that pie was selfish - but I needed the happy memories of my Pop and Mom, and the sweetness and the process of making something good with my own hands. (While I still can, whispers that dark voice I've heard all too much of lately.)
I try for my own sake, and for the sake of those who must bear my company, to wrap myself in cheerfulness and positivity.
I do try to keep faith- as God has never yet let me down-
But oh, the darkness whispers terrible things to me. Things like I'll be PERMANENTLY in the dark, blind, helpless, no hope of independence , denied my reading, writing, colors, all my beauties save music.
Sometimes the darkness whispers that I'll just die- some unanticipated reaction to the anesthesia - and a few may mourn, but most won't notice, won't care, that I've gone.
I KNOW that to be a lie. I can FEEL the love that surrounds me, all the hearts I have cared for, who also care for mine. Those who love my humor, my words, my music, those who bless me by being my friends, by allowing me to share with them - those kind enough to see me and love me for all my quirks.
And YOU, my love. You most of all who love me enough to spar with me, grouse at me, annoy me, and know that I will not leave you. I will NEVER leave you by choice. I will be here for you. You need me. I know. I love you. For always.
Even Halloween and all its supposed traditional terrors had nothing on high summer in Oklahoma for epic creepiness.
The blast of hellish south winds on oppressive air, and the dry-bones rattle of cicadas everywhere.
Ghoulish messages sent and received on the restless, sullen air.
In the evenings, the space - ship song of those same insects whines into the barely receding heat. If you look, the season's only blessing, the tiny, intermittent galaxies of fireflies in the deepening dusk. But only if we leave the yard lights off.
There. That's the latest from the writing journal. Some stuff I really like in there, and some of the usual crap. This is how writing works. A lot like panning for gold. You get a whole bunch of sand, and a few bright gold nuggets.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Fear and Loathing, Or Politics In America Today
I despise our political process in this country. It has devolved into some sort of contest to see who is the biggest bully or the glibbest liar.
That said, I wade through stories and statements and reports, and try to make intelligent decisions when it seems most of my fellow citizens either do "eeny, meeny, miney mo" or vote for the one who has gotten the most publicity, or in some cases, for whomever their pastor has instructed them to vote for.
This year, I have decided that NONE of the Republican possibilities are qualified to be President. None have the presence, or the presence of mind, or the ability to execute that office without sinking this great nation into a slough of disaster it might never recover from.
On the Democratic side, I'd love to be able to make a hybrid of the two candidates. We need Hillary's experience with working the system and dealing with the rest of the world, we need Bernie's sensible ideas about getting things on track here. I really do hope whoever wins, that those two will work together, and it is my most fervent prayer that God deliver us from Donald Trump and Ted Cruz. Both of them have demonstrated ignorance of our Constitution, and shown contempt for people other than themselves. It frightens me that such as they could even be seriously CONSIDERED for the office of President.
All that aside, here are this week's ruminations on life, the universe, and everything
3/7/16
Again faced
With an empty page
Each day's challenge
The same, but not.
Because no two days
Are really
The same.
So many things I could
Be doing
But I promised
I would Write. So here I am
Filling lines
And time
With not much.
Story of my life.
3/8/16
Left it late
We often do
Leave what should
Be done
To the last possible
Moment
Catching ourselves
On the ragged edge
Of commitments
And needs
How prone to wander off
Is the mind
Especially nowadays
When so many
Beguiling
Electronic amusements
Beckon
Some feel productive
But they all
Just eat our time.
Some time IS
Well spent
If it allows
Us to connect to
Others
But most is
Just vacant
Staring at words
And cat pictures
On a screen.
Or playing idle games.
All of it gone
With the flip of a switch.
Perhaps it is an apt metaphor for all of life.
So much of what we do seems pointless
and yet is important to someone.
And our very existence could be wiped out just that quickly -
The strike of a meteor,
The launch of a missile
The spread of a microbe -
We are far more vulnerable than we wish to believe.
So, I'll cherish all my friends
The ones here,
And the ones all over the world
Online
All just as real
As you or I
For all that
Some
I've never met in person.
3/9/16
O coffee,
Elixir made
From magic beans
Hot and strong
Waking me up
On a foggy, grey
Morning.When I would much
Rather
Stay in bed.
Giving back
The ability
To think ,
Clearing my head
But this morning
Your flavor
Reminds me
That I need
To clean
The coffee maker
But still,
You are good.
For there are magic
Cocoa beans
In this batch,
Too.
O Lord,
How we
Poor,
Blind humans
Grope about
Seeking You.
We each have
Different perspectives
On what the greater
Power is -
Some don't see You
Because they cannot
Or will not
Others have tried
In so many ways
To describe
That which cannot BE
Described.
I believer we are ALL
Responsible
For living up to the
Truth
However we received it -
And that Truth
Universally
Seems to me to be
LOVE.
So many
Use the name
Of God
As an excuse,
A rallying point,
For behavior
That goes directly
AGAINST the heart of
EVERY message
About
You
That we have ever heard
From the teachers you
sent
And from You, Yourself,
As I believe
You came
We are NOT
Loving our neighbors
As ourselves,
And we are
Certainly
NOT
Loving God with all of our
Being.
Forgive us
And help us
Before we
Destroy
Each other -
I beg You!
Lord, in Your Mercy,
HEAR OUR PRAYER !
3/10/16
I missed a day. Easy to do when there are so many things that clamor for time and attention.
I thought I had that is, - turns out that pages stuck together
I THOUGHT I had written yesterday, but the evidence
Seems otherwise.
No coffee
Today
So I am
Slower to
Wake
But I can't
Have that jolt
Too often
It isn't good
For my body
So my mind
Must patiently
Rouse itself
Instead of depending
On Coffee's
Alarm
Calling all things
Into focus
And action
More slowly
Instead of
In the fire-drill
Immediacy
That Coffee
Can cause
For me.
An adventure tonight
At work
I've done it
Only once before
But it's
ZUMBA TIME
and I'm going
To work out
With them
The adventure really
Is in remembering
ALL the details.
3/12/16
Another lost day.
Yesterday I just wanted to read.
Writing appealed not at all.
Today I have more time,
But I don't feel there is anything to say
Other than
To express my sorrow
Over the mess
Our election process
Has become.
I really fear that
Trump is popular because
He knows exactly how to
Manipulate the fearful and frustrated
among the
Great, under-educated masses
In this country.
He panders to the selfish nature
Of those who seem to
Think they pay for
Everyone else.
I can understand frustration
I cannot understand naked hatred
And seeking to blame
A group or groups
For your problems.
That sounds too much
Like a song we heard before
From a guy named Hitler.
Remember him?
Remember how many people
DIED stopping him?
Remember how many he
Slaughtered
before the world
woke up and decided to
Stop him?
This generation would do well to quit being so selfish and lazy and look to long - term and HUMANE solutions to our problems. Hate and blame do not solve problems, they create MORE problems, bigger problems, the kind that will see this great nation reduced to rubble.
Trump doesn't care one BIT about ANY of you and your frustrations, except as a means to give himself power. He will throw you under the bus in a hot minute if it will suit his purpose. He doesn't care for anyone but himself, and he certainly doesn't know a single thing about God. His behavior and his words show that. Treating anyone who disagrees with him like garbage to be thrown out - he shows us exactly what kind of state we'd be in if he wins.
You enjoy your right to free speech? Kiss it and your social media good-bye. Trump is threatened by opposition of any sort. He will quash it. Whether it is legal to do so or not. The law of the land does not seem to matter to him, either.
He will start rounding up any group he dislikes and "disposing" of them because they are "a threat to the country" - If our Congress would do it's job, he'd be impeached the first time he tried any of that, but who knows? Most of Congress (and alas, our population) seem ignorant of the very Constitution that they have sworn to uphold.
Trump has stirred up something vile in this country. For the first time, I really fear the end is near. I beg of you, vote for anyone other than a man who openly shows his contempt for every single principle of freedom that this country was founded on. While you're at it, keep an eye on what the other Republican front runners are saying, because some of them sound like religious cult leaders rather than presidential candidates.
This country needs common sense and cohesion, not a narcissist stirring up division and dangerous hatred.
Our strength is in our ability to work and live together, in spite of our differences, and our ability to use those differences to solve our problems. You can't go wrong with a variety of talents and perspectives brought to bear on our issues. That's how this country became a great nation to begin with!
That said, I wade through stories and statements and reports, and try to make intelligent decisions when it seems most of my fellow citizens either do "eeny, meeny, miney mo" or vote for the one who has gotten the most publicity, or in some cases, for whomever their pastor has instructed them to vote for.
This year, I have decided that NONE of the Republican possibilities are qualified to be President. None have the presence, or the presence of mind, or the ability to execute that office without sinking this great nation into a slough of disaster it might never recover from.
On the Democratic side, I'd love to be able to make a hybrid of the two candidates. We need Hillary's experience with working the system and dealing with the rest of the world, we need Bernie's sensible ideas about getting things on track here. I really do hope whoever wins, that those two will work together, and it is my most fervent prayer that God deliver us from Donald Trump and Ted Cruz. Both of them have demonstrated ignorance of our Constitution, and shown contempt for people other than themselves. It frightens me that such as they could even be seriously CONSIDERED for the office of President.
All that aside, here are this week's ruminations on life, the universe, and everything
3/7/16
Again faced
With an empty page
Each day's challenge
The same, but not.
Because no two days
Are really
The same.
So many things I could
Be doing
But I promised
I would Write. So here I am
Filling lines
And time
With not much.
Story of my life.
3/8/16
Left it late
We often do
Leave what should
Be done
To the last possible
Moment
Catching ourselves
On the ragged edge
Of commitments
And needs
How prone to wander off
Is the mind
Especially nowadays
When so many
Beguiling
Electronic amusements
Beckon
Some feel productive
But they all
Just eat our time.
Some time IS
Well spent
If it allows
Us to connect to
Others
But most is
Just vacant
Staring at words
And cat pictures
On a screen.
Or playing idle games.
All of it gone
With the flip of a switch.
Perhaps it is an apt metaphor for all of life.
So much of what we do seems pointless
and yet is important to someone.
And our very existence could be wiped out just that quickly -
The strike of a meteor,
The launch of a missile
The spread of a microbe -
We are far more vulnerable than we wish to believe.
So, I'll cherish all my friends
The ones here,
And the ones all over the world
Online
All just as real
As you or I
For all that
Some
I've never met in person.
3/9/16
O coffee,
Elixir made
From magic beans
Hot and strong
Waking me up
On a foggy, grey
Morning.When I would much
Rather
Stay in bed.
Giving back
The ability
To think ,
Clearing my head
But this morning
Your flavor
Reminds me
That I need
To clean
The coffee maker
But still,
You are good.
For there are magic
Cocoa beans
In this batch,
Too.
O Lord,
How we
Poor,
Blind humans
Grope about
Seeking You.
We each have
Different perspectives
On what the greater
Power is -
Some don't see You
Because they cannot
Or will not
Others have tried
In so many ways
To describe
That which cannot BE
Described.
I believer we are ALL
Responsible
For living up to the
Truth
However we received it -
And that Truth
Universally
Seems to me to be
LOVE.
So many
Use the name
Of God
As an excuse,
A rallying point,
For behavior
That goes directly
AGAINST the heart of
EVERY message
About
You
That we have ever heard
From the teachers you
sent
And from You, Yourself,
As I believe
You came
We are NOT
Loving our neighbors
As ourselves,
And we are
Certainly
NOT
Loving God with all of our
Being.
Forgive us
And help us
Before we
Destroy
Each other -
I beg You!
Lord, in Your Mercy,
HEAR OUR PRAYER !
3/10/16
I missed a day. Easy to do when there are so many things that clamor for time and attention.
I thought I had that is, - turns out that pages stuck together
I THOUGHT I had written yesterday, but the evidence
Seems otherwise.
No coffee
Today
So I am
Slower to
Wake
But I can't
Have that jolt
Too often
It isn't good
For my body
So my mind
Must patiently
Rouse itself
Instead of depending
On Coffee's
Alarm
Calling all things
Into focus
And action
More slowly
Instead of
In the fire-drill
Immediacy
That Coffee
Can cause
For me.
An adventure tonight
At work
I've done it
Only once before
But it's
ZUMBA TIME
and I'm going
To work out
With them
The adventure really
Is in remembering
ALL the details.
3/12/16
Another lost day.
Yesterday I just wanted to read.
Writing appealed not at all.
Today I have more time,
But I don't feel there is anything to say
Other than
To express my sorrow
Over the mess
Our election process
Has become.
I really fear that
Trump is popular because
He knows exactly how to
Manipulate the fearful and frustrated
among the
Great, under-educated masses
In this country.
He panders to the selfish nature
Of those who seem to
Think they pay for
Everyone else.
I can understand frustration
I cannot understand naked hatred
And seeking to blame
A group or groups
For your problems.
That sounds too much
Like a song we heard before
From a guy named Hitler.
Remember him?
Remember how many people
DIED stopping him?
Remember how many he
Slaughtered
before the world
woke up and decided to
Stop him?
This generation would do well to quit being so selfish and lazy and look to long - term and HUMANE solutions to our problems. Hate and blame do not solve problems, they create MORE problems, bigger problems, the kind that will see this great nation reduced to rubble.
Trump doesn't care one BIT about ANY of you and your frustrations, except as a means to give himself power. He will throw you under the bus in a hot minute if it will suit his purpose. He doesn't care for anyone but himself, and he certainly doesn't know a single thing about God. His behavior and his words show that. Treating anyone who disagrees with him like garbage to be thrown out - he shows us exactly what kind of state we'd be in if he wins.
You enjoy your right to free speech? Kiss it and your social media good-bye. Trump is threatened by opposition of any sort. He will quash it. Whether it is legal to do so or not. The law of the land does not seem to matter to him, either.
He will start rounding up any group he dislikes and "disposing" of them because they are "a threat to the country" - If our Congress would do it's job, he'd be impeached the first time he tried any of that, but who knows? Most of Congress (and alas, our population) seem ignorant of the very Constitution that they have sworn to uphold.
Trump has stirred up something vile in this country. For the first time, I really fear the end is near. I beg of you, vote for anyone other than a man who openly shows his contempt for every single principle of freedom that this country was founded on. While you're at it, keep an eye on what the other Republican front runners are saying, because some of them sound like religious cult leaders rather than presidential candidates.
This country needs common sense and cohesion, not a narcissist stirring up division and dangerous hatred.
Our strength is in our ability to work and live together, in spite of our differences, and our ability to use those differences to solve our problems. You can't go wrong with a variety of talents and perspectives brought to bear on our issues. That's how this country became a great nation to begin with!
Sunday, December 6, 2015
The Second Sunday of Advent
 |
| The Advent Wreath |
So much light in the world this week, in spite of the darkness that is trying to snuff out that light.
This week, even though we have heard news of evil deeds, I have seen acts of compassion and kindness right here in our own home town that give me hope. Indeed, such things go on all the time, but the world only seems to note the devastating and evil things, never the hopeful things.
Perhaps, in this season of anticipation and the growing of light, we SHOULD focus on the good things in people, and ignore those who would seek attention by their evil acts. We should avoid lashing out in anger, and rather gather ourselves in love, because love is far stronger than anger, or hate.
Father Tim Sean Youmans, who serves in our parish at St. Paul's, and teaches at Cassidy School, preached a very good sermon this morning. He talked about the four basic groups that Jews were divided into at the time Jesus started His ministry, and how some of the more extreme ones actually hated the others. Then, he pointed out how Jesus gathered His twelve disciples from ALL those groups, and got them to work together. Even then, we were being taught that we ALL need each other, and we ALL have to work together for the good of everyone. (For God's kingdom is all about love, and using it to overcome fear, anger, and hate.)
It is very difficult to remember love when you are hurt, shocked, and angry. VERY difficult. But Love is the Light that we are seeking in this dark time, Love is the Light we are anticipating, the miracle that gives us hope. We must, in this dark, cold, season, cling to that light, keep it burning in our hearts, and warm others with its warmth, and shed the light on the way for all.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Rambling Thoughts On A Friday The 13th Evening...
So much tragedy everywhere on this all too tiny planet we call home. So much of this tragedy made by our own greed and unwillingness to listen or even try to understand one another.
The events in Paris call forth loving messages of sympathy from many, dredge up bitter anger from some who feel their own tragedies are ignored. The loss of ANY life is tragic. Perhaps places like Paris get more notice because they are more present in the Western mind, more real, more recent. It is unfortunate, but often true. That does not mean we don't care about the losses in Syria, Iraq, Iran, any place plagued by unrest and war. What does happen is that we become fatigued by so much information about tragedy in those places, and alas, we begin to EXPECT tragedy in those places.
The atrocities committed during any war or any terrorist act ANYWHERE are deplorable, and injure mankind.
Donne said it best:
" No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in makind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
We are all of us part of the same whole. Some people really don't want to believe that, but it's true. We are ONE race, the HUMAN race, and whether we like it or not, we're stuck with each other.
Those who would claim the Christian faith must remember that our Founder told us as much. We have been instructed by Jesus Himself:
"Hear what our Lord Jesus Christ saith:
Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets."
-from the Book Of Common Prayer, 1979, Holy Eucharist Rite I, page 324. Quote is from the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter22, verses 37-40
I find it continually baffling that so many of those who profess to be Christians forget these two commandments. Assuredly, they ARE difficult. To love God so profoundly is beyond the grasp of most of us, and as to loving our neighbors as we love ourselves, well, first we have to love ourselves, and most of us truly do not. We operate quite often out of our insecurities, our deep knowledge and fear and hate of our own faults. Many times, we ENVY our neighbors, who to US seem to have it together far better than WE do, when in reality, they are JUST as insecure as we are.
It is well past time to start looking beyond our own hurts and insecurities, and seeing the wounded people that we ALL are, it is well past time to look with compassion, not pity, but in recognition of the hurts of others in light of our own hurts.
Every day, I know I fall short of this standard, every day I pray for grace to do better, for strength of will to surpass my own love of the status quo. I see so many obviously trying to do good, to reach out in love. We must all try, and we must shore each other up when the going gets rough. No regard to belief system, or ethnicity, or any difference that truly IS no difference. We are ALL human, we are all on this planet together, and we need each other. ALL of us. For our own sake, we need to remember that.
For those of us who are Christians, we must remember that Jesus basically told us as much in that passage about the Great commandments. We are all children of God, loved by God, and we are responsible TO and FOR each other. I don't think Jesus was making any distinctions about your neighbor's race, or religion, or anything else. Your neighbor. Your fellow human being, that person that maybe you don't really like, but you know what? He's stuck on this planet with you, just the same as you're stuck with him. Really not easy, that "loving your neighbor" stuff. I know. I fail at it every day. Every time someone gets on my very last nerve, or says something completely stupid, racist and hateful in the media. I don't love that particular neighbor very much at that point. Perhaps I need to pray for them instead of call them nasty names in my head. Might be better for me, and it might even improve them. Worth a shot. Tell you what, you pray, or think good thoughts, or whatever your particular belief system asks you to do, for me, and I'll do the same for you. If all of us do it, maybe it really will work, and we really will improve. Even a little bit would be good.
Another quote comes to mind when I think about this planet of ours, and our need to get along on it. This one is from Star Trek. (HEY, I'm a geek girl, remember? I cut my teeth on Star Trek fandom. Don't let that put you off, there's a REASON that show stuck with so many of us for so long.)
"KIRK: Give me your hand. Your hand. (she does) Now feel that. Human flesh against human flesh. We're the same. We share the same history, the same heritage, the same lives. We're tied together beyond any untying. Man or woman, it makes no difference. We're human. We couldn't escape from each other even if we wanted to. That's how you do it, Lieutenant. By remembering who and what you are. A bit of flesh and blood afloat in a universe without end. The only thing that's truly yours is the rest of humanity. That's where our duty lies."
Even if we believe that we do not share the same heritage or history, we really do. We are all the product of living on this planet. Everything that happens on this planet effects everything else on it. We do not really live isolated from one another, as much as we might wish to believe sometimes. We need to remember that we are responsible to one another, and FOR one another.
Sigh. So difficult to do, but so essential. There is no easy answer. Humans are complicated, and we love to complicate things. Doing what sounds simple is the hardest thing of all.
That's about all I have to say on that subject right now.
On to other things:
Today should be a day of happy celebration for a friend of mine. It is the anniversary of her birth. Yet this tragedy in Paris happened, and it has cast a pall on her happiness.
I for one wish to celebrate the fact that she was born, and is still here on this earth. She is a person who has a generous, loving heart and a fast wit, who has suffered many things, and yet still finds joy in life, who shares her light with all of us, even those she's never met face to face. I know she loves me, and I love her like a baby sister, or a niece, someone close and treasured. Even though we have never met in person.
So, I hope that her birthday is still a day of joy for her, a day that she realizes that there are MANY of us out here who are very, very glad she was born, and that she loves us.
Happy birthday , Fi. Be well, and know that you are LOVED.
The events in Paris call forth loving messages of sympathy from many, dredge up bitter anger from some who feel their own tragedies are ignored. The loss of ANY life is tragic. Perhaps places like Paris get more notice because they are more present in the Western mind, more real, more recent. It is unfortunate, but often true. That does not mean we don't care about the losses in Syria, Iraq, Iran, any place plagued by unrest and war. What does happen is that we become fatigued by so much information about tragedy in those places, and alas, we begin to EXPECT tragedy in those places.
The atrocities committed during any war or any terrorist act ANYWHERE are deplorable, and injure mankind.
Donne said it best:
" No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in makind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
We are all of us part of the same whole. Some people really don't want to believe that, but it's true. We are ONE race, the HUMAN race, and whether we like it or not, we're stuck with each other.
Those who would claim the Christian faith must remember that our Founder told us as much. We have been instructed by Jesus Himself:
"Hear what our Lord Jesus Christ saith:
Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets."
-from the Book Of Common Prayer, 1979, Holy Eucharist Rite I, page 324. Quote is from the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter22, verses 37-40
I find it continually baffling that so many of those who profess to be Christians forget these two commandments. Assuredly, they ARE difficult. To love God so profoundly is beyond the grasp of most of us, and as to loving our neighbors as we love ourselves, well, first we have to love ourselves, and most of us truly do not. We operate quite often out of our insecurities, our deep knowledge and fear and hate of our own faults. Many times, we ENVY our neighbors, who to US seem to have it together far better than WE do, when in reality, they are JUST as insecure as we are.
It is well past time to start looking beyond our own hurts and insecurities, and seeing the wounded people that we ALL are, it is well past time to look with compassion, not pity, but in recognition of the hurts of others in light of our own hurts.
Every day, I know I fall short of this standard, every day I pray for grace to do better, for strength of will to surpass my own love of the status quo. I see so many obviously trying to do good, to reach out in love. We must all try, and we must shore each other up when the going gets rough. No regard to belief system, or ethnicity, or any difference that truly IS no difference. We are ALL human, we are all on this planet together, and we need each other. ALL of us. For our own sake, we need to remember that.
For those of us who are Christians, we must remember that Jesus basically told us as much in that passage about the Great commandments. We are all children of God, loved by God, and we are responsible TO and FOR each other. I don't think Jesus was making any distinctions about your neighbor's race, or religion, or anything else. Your neighbor. Your fellow human being, that person that maybe you don't really like, but you know what? He's stuck on this planet with you, just the same as you're stuck with him. Really not easy, that "loving your neighbor" stuff. I know. I fail at it every day. Every time someone gets on my very last nerve, or says something completely stupid, racist and hateful in the media. I don't love that particular neighbor very much at that point. Perhaps I need to pray for them instead of call them nasty names in my head. Might be better for me, and it might even improve them. Worth a shot. Tell you what, you pray, or think good thoughts, or whatever your particular belief system asks you to do, for me, and I'll do the same for you. If all of us do it, maybe it really will work, and we really will improve. Even a little bit would be good.
Another quote comes to mind when I think about this planet of ours, and our need to get along on it. This one is from Star Trek. (HEY, I'm a geek girl, remember? I cut my teeth on Star Trek fandom. Don't let that put you off, there's a REASON that show stuck with so many of us for so long.)
"KIRK: Give me your hand. Your hand. (she does) Now feel that. Human flesh against human flesh. We're the same. We share the same history, the same heritage, the same lives. We're tied together beyond any untying. Man or woman, it makes no difference. We're human. We couldn't escape from each other even if we wanted to. That's how you do it, Lieutenant. By remembering who and what you are. A bit of flesh and blood afloat in a universe without end. The only thing that's truly yours is the rest of humanity. That's where our duty lies."
Even if we believe that we do not share the same heritage or history, we really do. We are all the product of living on this planet. Everything that happens on this planet effects everything else on it. We do not really live isolated from one another, as much as we might wish to believe sometimes. We need to remember that we are responsible to one another, and FOR one another.
Sigh. So difficult to do, but so essential. There is no easy answer. Humans are complicated, and we love to complicate things. Doing what sounds simple is the hardest thing of all.
That's about all I have to say on that subject right now.
On to other things:
Today should be a day of happy celebration for a friend of mine. It is the anniversary of her birth. Yet this tragedy in Paris happened, and it has cast a pall on her happiness.
I for one wish to celebrate the fact that she was born, and is still here on this earth. She is a person who has a generous, loving heart and a fast wit, who has suffered many things, and yet still finds joy in life, who shares her light with all of us, even those she's never met face to face. I know she loves me, and I love her like a baby sister, or a niece, someone close and treasured. Even though we have never met in person.
So, I hope that her birthday is still a day of joy for her, a day that she realizes that there are MANY of us out here who are very, very glad she was born, and that she loves us.
Happy birthday , Fi. Be well, and know that you are LOVED.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Poetry In Progress
A couple of things that have been running around in my head lately. One actually made its way almost complete onto paper before I got here with it, the other had to be extracted on the spot, and I still may tinker with them both in the future.
Seasonal Changes
By Carolyn Kay Armistead
September, 2014
Already the light
Is from a different angle,
Has a different character,
A different feel.
Already the sun is less intense
The breeze a bit cooler,
The shadows longer.
Some of the trees are
Already beginning to
Turn a bit gold
Only on the edges.
It hasn't been cold enough
Yet to change them much.
Only a few brave marigolds
Hang on and bloom,
And the mums are starting
To dominate.
This is the season of not-quite.
Not really hot enough to be Summer,
Not nippy enough yet to be Autumn,
Even though the calendar says it is.
I am SO ready for the shorter, cooler days,
The symphony the wind in dry leaves plays,
The rough bluster of the weather
And being able to wear a sweater.
Listening To Silence
By Carolyn Kay Armistead
September 2014
And silence
Is the loudest
Thing there is.
Blocking out hope
Enforcing barriers
Covering all
And nothing.
But sometimes
It is necessary
So we can hear
The quiet voice
And learn more
Before we make
A choice.
Rather than say
A word that may harm,
Silence is at least
More warm.
It leaves a comfort
That a cruel word
Removes
Like a scab torn off
Of a healing wound.
Yet silence can also
Fester
Letting miscommunication
Linger
Breeding sadness, anger,
Misunderstanding.
So.
To let Silence grow,
Or to break it?
Much depends
Upon the reason
It is there.
Listen to the Silence.
It will tell you,
Perhaps,
What sort it is.
Or your heart will.
Random Inspiration
C.K. Armistead
September, 2014
So much potential
So many words
And ways to use them
And yet
I sit.
Nothing finds its way
Out of the circles in my head
And onto a page.
The sense of power
And mystery
I have always felt
When there seems to be
A verse, a story,
An Image
Just about to reveal itself,
Just almost
Within my grasp.
The trepidation
That reaching for it
Will scare it away
That the lovely thing
Will vanish
The minute my mind
Sees it clearly.
Such fear holds me captive
Most of the time.
It takes courage
To reach out with words,
To try to capture
The beautiful, fleeting image
Or the pitiful dark pain,
The vision many have seen
And described, and shared
That still must be experienced
Oneself
In order to complete itself
In order to join us all
In this soup of human experience.
We are so alone, really.
Closed up and singular
In our own minds,
In our own bodies.
Yet,
We dream the same dreams
Often have the same nightmares.
We need to share them
And learn from each other's
Experience.
Seeing that one CAN
Capture the vision,
Survive the darkness,
Wake to the beautiful light,
We NEED that.
But it is often so very
Difficult
To formulate
Our own piece
Of the puzzle
To share.
Fear stops me.
Holds me captive
Like a fly in amber.
Caught
Frozen
Incomplete.
Seasonal Changes
By Carolyn Kay Armistead
September, 2014
Already the light
Is from a different angle,
Has a different character,
A different feel.
Already the sun is less intense
The breeze a bit cooler,
The shadows longer.
Some of the trees are
Already beginning to
Turn a bit gold
Only on the edges.
It hasn't been cold enough
Yet to change them much.
Only a few brave marigolds
Hang on and bloom,
And the mums are starting
To dominate.
This is the season of not-quite.
Not really hot enough to be Summer,
Not nippy enough yet to be Autumn,
Even though the calendar says it is.
I am SO ready for the shorter, cooler days,
The symphony the wind in dry leaves plays,
The rough bluster of the weather
And being able to wear a sweater.
Listening To Silence
By Carolyn Kay Armistead
September 2014
And silence
Is the loudest
Thing there is.
Blocking out hope
Enforcing barriers
Covering all
And nothing.
But sometimes
It is necessary
So we can hear
The quiet voice
And learn more
Before we make
A choice.
Rather than say
A word that may harm,
Silence is at least
More warm.
It leaves a comfort
That a cruel word
Removes
Like a scab torn off
Of a healing wound.
Yet silence can also
Fester
Letting miscommunication
Linger
Breeding sadness, anger,
Misunderstanding.
So.
To let Silence grow,
Or to break it?
Much depends
Upon the reason
It is there.
Listen to the Silence.
It will tell you,
Perhaps,
What sort it is.
Or your heart will.
Random Inspiration
C.K. Armistead
September, 2014
So much potential
So many words
And ways to use them
And yet
I sit.
Nothing finds its way
Out of the circles in my head
And onto a page.
The sense of power
And mystery
I have always felt
When there seems to be
A verse, a story,
An Image
Just about to reveal itself,
Just almost
Within my grasp.
The trepidation
That reaching for it
Will scare it away
That the lovely thing
Will vanish
The minute my mind
Sees it clearly.
Such fear holds me captive
Most of the time.
It takes courage
To reach out with words,
To try to capture
The beautiful, fleeting image
Or the pitiful dark pain,
The vision many have seen
And described, and shared
That still must be experienced
Oneself
In order to complete itself
In order to join us all
In this soup of human experience.
We are so alone, really.
Closed up and singular
In our own minds,
In our own bodies.
Yet,
We dream the same dreams
Often have the same nightmares.
We need to share them
And learn from each other's
Experience.
Seeing that one CAN
Capture the vision,
Survive the darkness,
Wake to the beautiful light,
We NEED that.
But it is often so very
Difficult
To formulate
Our own piece
Of the puzzle
To share.
Fear stops me.
Holds me captive
Like a fly in amber.
Caught
Frozen
Incomplete.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Of Trending Behavior, Peer Pressure, And NOT Giving My Usual Response To It
You have undoubtedly seen the Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram posts of people dousing themselves with ice water to draw attention to ALS. This disease deserves some attention. It is a horrible, scary disease that gradually takes away your ability to control your body. I cannot even imagine the horror of facing such a diagnosis. The ALS Association has benefited immensely from this campaign. Awareness of the disease is higher that ever, and people ARE actually donating money.
I think the use of ice water is very appropriate. I have often thought of fear as the feeling of a bucket of ice cold water being poured on my head. The dreadful feeling seeps into your whole being from the top down. It is shocking, it is paralyzing, and you have to force yourself to get moving again. Long time ALS survivors, that is those that live the longest after the dread diagnosis, face that fear every single second of every day, and they live in spite of it. They are heroic people to go on in the face of such a difficult series of losses. I hope and pray that the money raised by this challenge does indeed provide the funding that finds a cure. It would probably benefit many other neurological conditions, also. The more we know about our nervous system and our brains, and the connections between them, the better we can fight such diseases.
Now, a LOT of people I know have done the challenge. I was sort of ignoring it until I got called out by my fellow #Perlgirl Jana Waller. She challenged ALL of us to do it, and well, I went against my usual response to peer pressure, which is to strenuously resist, and did it.
So did Kelly, Paulette, Mary, Fiona, Molly, and Patti, that I can remember. Perlman has yet to do it, but several people who have worked with him have nominated him, so we shall see.
Clergy at my church have done it, including the Dean. I challenged the Children's Department at our library to do it, but I have yet to hear from any of them.
Here's a link to Dean Justin's #IceBucketChallenge
Here's a link to Father Tim's #IceBucketChallenge
Here's a link to My #IceBucketChallenge
If you do the challenge, please also donate to the cause, and keep those who suffer with this disease in your thoughts and prayers. There are many, many things out there in this world that need our attention and our concern. For this week or so, the InterWebz are paying attention to ALS. I hope we continue to remember all who suffer, and to do what we can, when and where we can to help.
Here's a video with an important perspective on the challenge. Please watch.
Last Ice Bucket Challenge You Need To See
And here's a link to The ALS Association's Ice Bucket Challenge Page Please go make a donation. Even a little one will help. When many people make little donations, they turn into a pretty big donation, so go, do what you can to help.
ALS can strike anyone, anytime. It can run in families, but not necessarily. Nobody's immune.
As I am fond of reminding myself, we're all on this little ball of rock and mud in space together. We got nowhere else to go (at least not yet) and even so, all we've got is each other. Let's take care of each other more, and hate each other less. Dousing yourself in ice water is kind of a round about way of doing that, but it gets the point across.
Peace.
I think the use of ice water is very appropriate. I have often thought of fear as the feeling of a bucket of ice cold water being poured on my head. The dreadful feeling seeps into your whole being from the top down. It is shocking, it is paralyzing, and you have to force yourself to get moving again. Long time ALS survivors, that is those that live the longest after the dread diagnosis, face that fear every single second of every day, and they live in spite of it. They are heroic people to go on in the face of such a difficult series of losses. I hope and pray that the money raised by this challenge does indeed provide the funding that finds a cure. It would probably benefit many other neurological conditions, also. The more we know about our nervous system and our brains, and the connections between them, the better we can fight such diseases.
Now, a LOT of people I know have done the challenge. I was sort of ignoring it until I got called out by my fellow #Perlgirl Jana Waller. She challenged ALL of us to do it, and well, I went against my usual response to peer pressure, which is to strenuously resist, and did it.
So did Kelly, Paulette, Mary, Fiona, Molly, and Patti, that I can remember. Perlman has yet to do it, but several people who have worked with him have nominated him, so we shall see.
Clergy at my church have done it, including the Dean. I challenged the Children's Department at our library to do it, but I have yet to hear from any of them.
Here's a link to Dean Justin's #IceBucketChallenge
Here's a link to Father Tim's #IceBucketChallenge
Here's a link to My #IceBucketChallenge
If you do the challenge, please also donate to the cause, and keep those who suffer with this disease in your thoughts and prayers. There are many, many things out there in this world that need our attention and our concern. For this week or so, the InterWebz are paying attention to ALS. I hope we continue to remember all who suffer, and to do what we can, when and where we can to help.
Here's a video with an important perspective on the challenge. Please watch.
Last Ice Bucket Challenge You Need To See
And here's a link to The ALS Association's Ice Bucket Challenge Page Please go make a donation. Even a little one will help. When many people make little donations, they turn into a pretty big donation, so go, do what you can to help.
ALS can strike anyone, anytime. It can run in families, but not necessarily. Nobody's immune.
As I am fond of reminding myself, we're all on this little ball of rock and mud in space together. We got nowhere else to go (at least not yet) and even so, all we've got is each other. Let's take care of each other more, and hate each other less. Dousing yourself in ice water is kind of a round about way of doing that, but it gets the point across.
Peace.
Friday, April 12, 2013
What Scares Us
Many things are common fears among humans. The dark, being alone, spiders, heights, enclosed places, all these are pretty common phobias. We are also afraid of dying. We don't think about it much, at least not usually when we are younger, but we don't really like the idea. When we are young, it is inconceivable that anything could cause our existence to cease. We are vibrant, full of life, invincible. Or so we believe. The older we get, the more experiences we have of loss, or our own illness or injury, and Death becomes more real. When we lose a loved one or even an acquaintance near our own age, no matter how old we are, Death becomes more real.
Death was a very real presence to all ages of people in the past. Medicine was not so advanced, people were not so well-nourished, life was in general more dangerous, and more people died at younger ages. Even in my generation, Death was a real presence during my late childhood and early adolescence. There was a war going on in Viet Nam, and it consumed the lives of many men and some women the same age as my siblings. Both my brothers had friends go off to serve. Both knew some who did not come home. They were both in engineering programs at UCLA, and because their grades were good enough, they had deferments. (They were both also nearly blind without their glasses, as am I. Only my sister has good distance vision.) Every night on the news, we heard counts of wounded, dead, and missing. Every night. They don't do that with the wars today, but even though we have lost far too many, and had too many injured, the sheer number of injured and dead over the course of Viet Nam is staggering. It still seems shocking to me that I thought of those counts as a normal part of a newscast when I was growing up.
There are a few things I fear. I don't really fear confined spaces (like elevators), but I am very uncomfortable in them. I have a lot of respect for fire, but I don't really fear it. I have learned not to fear the dark, (unless I am alone on an unfamiliar street, or in a place like my old neighborhood in California.) I dislike climbing on ladders because my uncle and my Pop both died after falling off ladders. Right this minute, I am afraid to try to lie down and go to sleep. I woke up choking last night, and for a few seconds, until I got whatever had gone the wrong way cleared, I was afraid I was going to die. I could not get enough air in. I am afraid it will happen again, and this time I won't be able to get the gunk out of my throat. This has never happened before.
All day this has been perking along in the back of my mind. I have distracted myself most of the day with things that needed doing and with reading and fooling around on the Internet, and haven't let it come to the forefront of my thoughts. But now, bedtime looms, and I need my sleep because I have to work all day tomorrow.
My faith tells me I don't have to fear what will happen to me when I die, but I still don't want to go yet. I have too many things undone. There are too many messes in this house that I don't want other people to have to try and sort out. Especially my husband. I don't want to leave him. I really don't want to leave him all these things that need to be sorted and dealt with. I told him we had better go together, because I don't want to go alone, or go on alone without him. He just says we have to do what we have to do, and it isn't our decision anyway. He's right. (He's usually right, but don't tell him I said that. )
There are things I have not done, places I want to go that I have not gone, people I care about that I don't want to leave behind because they just might need me. There are SO many more songs to sing, and poems to write, and books to read. There are movies I want to see that are not out yet! I want to see the rest of They Live Among Us! But mostly, there are people I care for who may not know it, and I have to do a better job of letting them know. Not telling them. Showing them. It isn't easy. Actions speak louder than words because words of support are easy to offer. Acts of support and concern are harder to accomplish.
I may have been flippant and frivolous today online, but it was only to cover the darker things clamoring around in my subconscious. Thoughts of how much time I have wasted, how many I have hurt, those are the things that have truly been on my mind today. Yet I still spent most of the day in avoidance behavior. Of course, I had to wait on the plumber, and wait for him to finish his work before my time was really my own today. Then, there was the generally run down feeling (now getting even worse) because I could not sleep for more than about an hour and a half last night.
Well, I can't avoid this particular fear much longer. I shall set up the coffee pot so I can take a thermal carafe of good coffee to work tomorrow. (I share, of course.) I'll take the guaifenesin and the antihistamine and anti inflammatory, brush my teeth, wash my face, etc. Then I'll try to go to sleep. Wish me luck.
Here is a picture of the new kitchen sink that I was waiting on the plumber to install, by the way.
Death was a very real presence to all ages of people in the past. Medicine was not so advanced, people were not so well-nourished, life was in general more dangerous, and more people died at younger ages. Even in my generation, Death was a real presence during my late childhood and early adolescence. There was a war going on in Viet Nam, and it consumed the lives of many men and some women the same age as my siblings. Both my brothers had friends go off to serve. Both knew some who did not come home. They were both in engineering programs at UCLA, and because their grades were good enough, they had deferments. (They were both also nearly blind without their glasses, as am I. Only my sister has good distance vision.) Every night on the news, we heard counts of wounded, dead, and missing. Every night. They don't do that with the wars today, but even though we have lost far too many, and had too many injured, the sheer number of injured and dead over the course of Viet Nam is staggering. It still seems shocking to me that I thought of those counts as a normal part of a newscast when I was growing up.
There are a few things I fear. I don't really fear confined spaces (like elevators), but I am very uncomfortable in them. I have a lot of respect for fire, but I don't really fear it. I have learned not to fear the dark, (unless I am alone on an unfamiliar street, or in a place like my old neighborhood in California.) I dislike climbing on ladders because my uncle and my Pop both died after falling off ladders. Right this minute, I am afraid to try to lie down and go to sleep. I woke up choking last night, and for a few seconds, until I got whatever had gone the wrong way cleared, I was afraid I was going to die. I could not get enough air in. I am afraid it will happen again, and this time I won't be able to get the gunk out of my throat. This has never happened before.
All day this has been perking along in the back of my mind. I have distracted myself most of the day with things that needed doing and with reading and fooling around on the Internet, and haven't let it come to the forefront of my thoughts. But now, bedtime looms, and I need my sleep because I have to work all day tomorrow.
My faith tells me I don't have to fear what will happen to me when I die, but I still don't want to go yet. I have too many things undone. There are too many messes in this house that I don't want other people to have to try and sort out. Especially my husband. I don't want to leave him. I really don't want to leave him all these things that need to be sorted and dealt with. I told him we had better go together, because I don't want to go alone, or go on alone without him. He just says we have to do what we have to do, and it isn't our decision anyway. He's right. (He's usually right, but don't tell him I said that. )
There are things I have not done, places I want to go that I have not gone, people I care about that I don't want to leave behind because they just might need me. There are SO many more songs to sing, and poems to write, and books to read. There are movies I want to see that are not out yet! I want to see the rest of They Live Among Us! But mostly, there are people I care for who may not know it, and I have to do a better job of letting them know. Not telling them. Showing them. It isn't easy. Actions speak louder than words because words of support are easy to offer. Acts of support and concern are harder to accomplish.
I may have been flippant and frivolous today online, but it was only to cover the darker things clamoring around in my subconscious. Thoughts of how much time I have wasted, how many I have hurt, those are the things that have truly been on my mind today. Yet I still spent most of the day in avoidance behavior. Of course, I had to wait on the plumber, and wait for him to finish his work before my time was really my own today. Then, there was the generally run down feeling (now getting even worse) because I could not sleep for more than about an hour and a half last night.
Well, I can't avoid this particular fear much longer. I shall set up the coffee pot so I can take a thermal carafe of good coffee to work tomorrow. (I share, of course.) I'll take the guaifenesin and the antihistamine and anti inflammatory, brush my teeth, wash my face, etc. Then I'll try to go to sleep. Wish me luck.
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