Of Aging, Innui, And Daydreams

I wish I knew why gloomy weather suddenly seems to sap my energy.  I used to love rainy days, perhaps because in Southern California they were so rare.  Now, I see them as another impediment to things I need or want to do.  Ground is going to be too wet to mow tomorrow, and the yard really needs mowing.  Walking outdoors is so much more restorative than using the elliptical trainer, but wet pavement is not something I feel like slipping and sliding on at my age.

This brings up another topic.  Age.  I do not feel in my soul that I am an old lady, but the image in the mirror begs to differ.  My body also gets in on the conversation with knees and hips and lower back all telling me the weather was changing last night.  The knobby knuckles from arthritis aren't painful, but they make simple tasks less simple.  Buttons, hooks, zippers, handling small objects, all are more difficult than they used to be.  I really despise the faucets in the bathtub.  The are fluted knobs, and I cannot be certain I've turned them all the way off, ever.  They hurt my hands.  We have levers to replace them with, but that is one of those jobs that has never gotten done. 
The lack of energy or enthusiasm for doing that sort of job is a function of aging and having a less cooperative body, too.  Matt has far more flexibility and dexterity issues than I do, and I lack the knowledge he possesses.  If there were room to work in there together, perhaps we could do it ourselves, but we are loath to try, possibly fearing irreparable damage to both the plumbing and our marriage. 

I should have been up with plenty of energy to do my workouts this morning, but instead, I have been a slug, lingering over coffee, finally finishing reading a library book I need to return, avoiding any chores but simple domestic things like the dishes, starting dinner in the crock pot, and starting a load of towels in the laundry.  I blame the weather, and the fact that because of my arthritis and that changing weather, getting to sleep last night was no picnic, and one can only take so much ibuprofen and drink so much gin before the dangers outweigh the possible benefits.

There are numerous photos on my phone from our trip.  I keep meaning to download and organize those in order to post them here, but again, attention span not long enough.  I have three books going at any one time, and I have been working on reading the same three for the last several months.  Just can't stick with one long enough to get through it.  Also, have to keep backtracking to make sure I know what I'm looking at, so slow going all around.  They are all topics I am interested in, I just can't seem to hang in there and finish at least one of the books. 

A Long Journey, A Trip, And A Search For Perspective -or- Yet More Bits And Pieces

I haven't written in this blog for what feels like forever.  Mostly because I haven't had anything I felt was worthwhile or ready to share.

Also, I was preparing for our two week vacation in Manhattan.

Leading up to the trip, instead of being really excited about going, I was fighting off a feeling of depression, of not wanting to bother on the one hand, and knowing we needed the break on the other.  Of course, being the obsessive fussbudget that I am, I was worrying about all sorts of things that would never happen, and over-packing, and making endless lists right up until the last minute.

We got out of here with two suitcases apiece, and each with a very small carry-on.  (No overhead bin battles for us. If it won't fit under the seat in front of us, we check it.)

Started March off with a few nice quotes.  I didn't really write in my journal in March.  Only tried to do some activity planning for New York, and complained about the weather and how busy the library was.

Then, before I knew it, April had arrived.

I may have to edit this again, because I could swear I typed in a couple of journal entries earlier, but they aren't showing up here.

From the Journal:

April 3, 2018

I know, I know.  It's a studio in Midtown East, not a luxury apartment on Central Park West, But it's got a huge rooftop terrace, not a tiny balcony.  A PRIVATE rooftop terrace, with a fence around it.  

I can hope, can't I?

It isn't far from the park, according to the maps.

We'll be there in about 2 weeks...

Could he come visit me?  

I know I 'm not Catherine, not even close, but I'm a friend.

Maybe he'll be able to come, and enjoy the view from our temporary terrace.  Maybe.

In my dreams, perhaps, for that is where Vincent and his world exist, in dreams.

April 5, 2018

My brain keeps wanting it to be next week.  I keep putting the wrong dates on things.

Maybe I really am looking forward to vacation?  I don't know.

Screaming tantrum child in the library! 

(Oh, thank God, they left.  Blessed quiet has returned.)

Poor Kid.  Just wanted to stay and play in the library!

Time plays tricks on me, sleep eludes me, my blood pressure is up - I have aches and pains in odd places.

Hoping to spend at least a little time with our friend - not sure he will have the time to spare,  Want to see him, just to make sure he is well.  I need one of his hugs, too.  His heart is huge, like the characters he played that I love so much. He treasures his friends, and we treasure him.  He's the real deal, kind and good, and dedicated to his ideals.

We have other friends we need to check on, and hope to see, too.  Pretty certain we'll see Linda, and our friend Chris from St. Paul's wants to meet us for dinner or something.

April 14, 2018

About to leave on vacation 

Flying out so early is going to make me be overtired and dehydrated.

I just hope everything goes smoothly with our travel and check in.  Then some nice weather would be helpful.  The wind here today has been strong and COLD.

Hope I'm warm enough tomorrow.

April 15, 2018

After a very long day, we are in a very small studio apartment in Midtown East Manhattan!

We are actually watching TV in bed because even though we are TIRED, we are afraid of waking up at 3am wide awake.

Made a few plans for tomorrow...

April 16, 2018

Went on a short trip to Target that turned into an epic adventure in how wrong navigation apps can be.

Matt's app had us all turned around.  Mine seemed to work better.

Went to Niall's pub last night- excellent fish and chips, Jameson's today.  Good soup for lunch.

Met a wee Scottie Dog named Angus, after the books

Rode the E train to W 34th Street to Target, home the same way - off to the  same train, same stop for the showing of Sergio and Sergei tonight!

Souvenir Collage.  I don't know why it posted portrait, when it shows in downloads as landscape...

April 17, 2018

So far, this trip hasn't been a whole lot of fun.  Our flights were crowded and uncomfortable.  Matt got us turned the wrong way monday, and I did yesterday.  Last night, he had a sugar crash on the way home from Sergio and Sergei.  Had to get a soda for him as soon as we got off the subway, and then we made it around the corner to the pub, and got him some real food.  

Sergio and Sergei was really good, and we also met Angus the dog yesterday, so not as bad as all that.

April 19, 2018  

Made it safely to and from Hello, Dolly!  yesterday.

The musical was wonderful, it ended up that we were front row center!  We saw the show  a bit more up close and personal than we were expecting!

Today's journey to the NYPL worked well.  We wandered around the building and Bryant Park.  We tried a little Italian place around the corner form the apartment for late lunch/early supper, then went to Niall's again for a light supper - late for us, after 6pm.

April 20, 2018

Finally made it to Central Park, and found "the" bench.

We also stopped for lunch at Fogo de Chao, went to MOMA's Design Shop - only got turned around wrong once on the way home - only about 2 blocks out of our way.

I got a few souvenirs, and we had quite a walk.

We went to the pub again for a light late supper, and I had an Irish coffee.  Delicious!

April 23, 2018

We had a successful, if taxing, outing yesterday.  Went to the Tribeca film festival and saw To Dust.  Met Linda first, had lunch, went to sit in  little park before the screening.  Got to say hello to Ron and get a quick hug and a thanks for coming!  He knew we were on vacation and made time for this - we also told him we went to see Sergio and Sergei, and he was very happy that we had, and glad we enjoyed it.  

To Dust is a wonderful film, by the way.  A good story, funny, moving, sad, just good.  You should see it.

This morning I did some laundry, and now we are going to attempt another adventure...

Made it to the 9/11 memorial.  A very moving place, even full of tourists.
  I want to go back to our memorial in the evening when the chairs are lighted.  

The order of magnitude at the World Trade Center is just so much more vast, so many, many more people lost.  So many lives gone.  I could feel something there, as though those lost know that they are grieved and remembered by an entire nation.  There is an energy there - I felt it.  Made me want to cry.  Especially when I thought of all the first responders lost, among them many who came to help us in Oklahoma City after our bombing.  

The outdoor memorial is extremely well done, and their Survivor Tree is a pear tree, and was in bloom when we were there.  Not a stinky Bradford pear, but a Callery Pear, so the  blossoms smell sweet.

April 24, 2018

We made it to the Met!

So many beautiful things!

The whole building is a work of art - even the staircases are often saved from significant buildings, and incorporated in the Met.  There is one from the Chicago Stock Exchange.  You find out these things both from the intrinsic beauty of the staircase, or ceiling, or doorway, and from the tasteful little plaque with information on it posted nearby.  

We became members of the Met because it gives us a discount at the shops, and online, too.  So affecting, the art works we saw today.  One painting of a castle, or gate with towers haunts me because the scene "feels" familiar.  Why, I have no idea.  The painting is of a structure somewhere in France.  Mom's side of the family had a bunch of Norman French - the Roach family.

Most of the rest  are Scots and Welsh, Pop's side has some Irish and a tiny bit of German.

Time to sleep.  I feel as though I zone out just sitting here.

April 25, 2018

Feeling bummed today.  Raining again, couldn't get into the Natural History Museum - 9 billion student tour groups in attendance-

so- walked a bit in the park went "home" and then went tp Grand Central Terminal.  Very pretty building.  Had lunch at the Oyster Bar - no oysters though, because neither of us likes them.  

Fried fish was delicious, though.

April 26, 2018

One thing I learned yesterday

- The Oyster Bar has great fried fish, but their french fries suck.

What else I've learned on this trip:

- A Guinness every evening helps me sleep through the NYC street noise.

- I buy too many magnets as souvenirs.

- Coins are going in a plastic bag so I can pull them out where security can see them easily.

- I tire of novelty quickly and would rather stay close to a familiar place than go traipsing all over town.

- My digestion hates me, and wishes me to suffer,

_ Chinese food comes in VERY generous portions, so order what you can face for the next few days -

_ It is good to meet old friends always.

April 30, 2018

Home, and trying to write a blog post.

Listening to Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy, and  was struck again by these lines from We All Fall In Love Sometimes

"Beneath these branches, I once wrote such childish words for you..."

Brain not wanting to settle and let me write.

And again, the Blogger editor is turning my photos when I do not want it to...

May 1, 2018

Oh city with so many faces;

Crowded little swath of land between rivers and sea

When I'm away,

I miss you

Your abundant art,

 Your multitude of worlds

All in such a small space, really.

But when I'm there;

You intimidate me

Make me feel confined

And like there's too much input

For me to process,

I can't find my way around

And I feel both

Emotionally and physically crowded.

And so now, you haunt my dreams

Subway squeals and the wind from an incoming train,

The sound of traffic going over the temporary road repairs,

 I hear them still, still feel the motion of trains or elevators

Whenever I close my eyes.

I am not safe around this pen today.

I've gotten ink all over my hands.  I only hope it's not on my face or my new scarf!

May 4, 2018

Truly know we are home- spent a long night the night before last watching the weather.
On the patio now enjoying the light breeze, but regretting the glare that hurts my eyes.

Looking through old notebooks, I found a poem I really like, that I wrote a few years back, but I don't recall sharing it anywhere.
Here it is:

Silence
By C.K. Armistead  2015

And silence
Is the loudest
Thing there is.
Blocking out hope
Enforcing barriers
Covering all
And  nothing.

But sometimes
It is necessary
So we can hear
The quiet voice
And learn more
Before we make
A choice.

Rather than say
A word that may harm,
Silence is at least
More warm
It leaves a comfort
That a cruel word
Removes
Like a scab torn off
A healing wound.

Yet silence can also
Fester
Letting miscommunication
Linger
Breeding sadness, anger,
Misunderstanding.

So,  To let Silence grow,
Or to break it?
Much depends
Upon the reason
It is there.

Listen to the Silence.
It will tell you, perhaps
What sort it is.
Or, your heart will.


I find myself carting my journal writing stuff around the house with me like some kind of security blanket.

May 16, 218

Adventures In Getting Older: Part VIII

Had a ganglion cyst on my left middle finger that showed up before our trip to New York.
Yesterday afternoon, it decided it was infected.  Got really sore, really red, and finger got swollen.

So, called the clinic this AM, and they sent me to the local urgent care.
Cyst has been drained and a culture taken.
I get to soak it in Epsom Salts twice a day, and take antibiotics 3 x a day for 10 days.
BIG bandage on it right now.  I get to take it off for soaking later and replace it with a smaller one.

Still working on the blog post about our trip,.  We left a MONTH ago yesterday.

That's about all I can glean for right now.  I have a lot percolating around in my head.  Whether any of it produces a decent brew and gets itself onto the page is another story...