Remembering

The first thing that strikes me this morning is how different the weather is today than it was 20 years ago.  At least here in Moore, the skies are cloudy and there is no bright sunlight.  On that morning, there was beautiful weather.  The sun was shining brightly, birds were singing, it was lovely.  Until that plume of smoke rose over downtown.  Until we slowly realized that something truly awful had happened.  Then we were chilled, despite the warm sun, shocked and dismayed despite the lovely blue of the sky.  Even the birds hushed.

It didn't rain that day, but we all shed enough tears to soak the ground.  So many lost, so many hurt, all of us struggling to understand why.

I felt so useless.  There was nothing I could do to help.  I wasn't working at that time, or at least I'd have been at my library, to help our patrons.  I called about donating blood, but they didn't need it.  (Also, we were in Europe during the  Mad Cow scare, so they STILL won't let us donate blood. )  So, like most of Oklahoma, I prayed.  I watched and waited.  I was here for my husband, who volunteered to go to the site for rubble removal with the group from Tinker.  He spent several long days down there.
Our church is two blocks away from the site.  There was major damage, but the church was still standing.  In fact, services were held that Sunday, even if they were in the Hall instead of in the cathedral itself.  St. Paul's has been steadfast and determined through it all, and has reached out in love to all around who had need, right from the beginning.
I needed to be part of the church again.  We became regular attenders again.  In July of 1995, we auditioned and joined Cathedral Choir.  We have been there ever since.  This morning we are preparing to go for our usual 11 am Sunday service.  It will be crowded downtown.  It might be easier to stay away, to stay home and watch from afar. We cannot.  This is part of our lives, this church and its people are VERY important to us.  We will be there.  We will sing.  For in spite of hate and the will to destroy, Oklahoma City is still here.  In spite of the anger, it is still a friendly and loving place.  In spite of those who would make us fearful, we are NOT afraid.  We continue.

So, as I prepare to see those places I see every single Sunday once again, I will try to see with new eyes.  With eyes that remember the immediate aftermath of the bombing, and with eyes that see all the changes, the improvements, the progress.  I will see the beautiful face of a friend, a face that was cut and bleeding after the bombing, but a face that though scarred, is still beautiful, and usually sports a bright smile.  I will be able to worship in a place that means comfort and peace to me.  A place I was denied right after the bombing, indeed for two years after the bombing, because of damage.  That old cathedral nave is full of peace and love and is a sacred space.

I will find my place in the loft, and I will have a chance to reflect, to remember all the things that have happened in the last 20 years.  I will remember those we lost that day, and those we have lost since.  I will rejoice in those still here, but also know that those who have gone on are still with us, on days like this especially.  They will be there, in that place that was so dear to them as well, to add their spirit to ours in remembrance, gratitude, and rejoicing for the work God has done through us over all these years.

There will be more later.  I must prepare to leave for church now.