The Life Inside My Head

Admit it, when you were a kid, and maybe even now sometimes, you hear a voice over announcer narrating your life.  Probably making snide remarks about your choices, if your life is anything like mine.  You probably also had theme music that played in your head whenever you were sure you were doing the Just and Right Thing.  Also the laugh track when your best efforts resulted in the Epic Fail.  (Because, let's face it, if you're my age, all the TV shows you watched were sitcoms about families who lived in nicer houses and better neighborhoods than you did, and the kids on those shows had "epic fails" that were FUNNY , not humiliating as our own real failures were.)
You never REALLY heard the "Wha-wha-whaaaa" notes that accompanied failures on those shows, but you sure heard them inside your head.  When you tripped walking through the cafeteria and spilled your lunch all over the principal's shoes, when you were so SURE you hit the ball out of the park in softball, only to have it immediately caught by a fielder... stuff like that. 
 And really, you might as well laugh, because crying isn't really going to help.

When I was a kid, I used to imagine a soundtrack to my life.  I had all kinds of music playing all the time, and some of it was in my imagination.  My parents both liked Swing music, the Big Band Sound.  Mom also liked Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Andy Williams, and SOME Elvis.  She also liked some Country music.  Pop (I'm sorry, Pop, wherever you are, but it is true) liked Elevator Music.  I swear, the man was probably the one and ONLY fan of "easy listening" music.  The stuff that put the rest of us to sleep better than any drug was what he listened to if given a choice.
My oldest brother liked classic rock, "Come Go With Me" played over and over in our house, so did "Sugar Shack".  My sister liked the Beatles, my brother Walt liked Simon & Garfunkle.  My radio in my room was set to 93 KHJ, which played Top 40 hits in the early 60's when I was little and needed music to fall asleep to.  The first song I remember really liking is the Four Tops' Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch." Yep.  I liked the Motown Sound.  I also like the Mamas and the Papas and the Beatles, and Simon & Garfunkle, and my oldest brother's old 45s that he left for me to play with when he went away to college.
THEN, I took piano, and learned to love Classical music.  So, Mozart and Bach and Beethoven became part of my personal sound track.
As a teen, I became an Elton John fan.  A SERIOUS one.  I probably still know all the words to his songs that came out in the 70s.  I sold my bicycle when I was 15 in order to go to the Dodger Stadium concert.
I remember being astounded as a high school student that our songleaders were allowed to do a dance routine to Elton's The Bitch Is Back.  (Oh, yes they did! And it was very popular at pep rallies.)
93 KHJ was still my favorite radio station, and at one point, it called itself "The Official Elton John Radio Station."  I remember Machine Gun Kelly and Charlie Tuna,  it was a great time for AM radio in Los Angeles.
Of course, my senior year, Disco was popular, and I liked it for dancing, it was fun, but it was not good music to listen to.  I remember dancing with my best friend at our prom because our lame dates couldn't disco dance, and Brenda and I had taken a disco dance class for PE, so we knew the moves.  Oh, well, the other kids already knew we were weird.
Whenever I felt like I was walking through a dangerous situation (of which there were a few to be found in Compton when I was middle school aged, and in Southern California in general when I was a teen) I heard minor key classical themes playing.  The kind of things that make you uncomfortable, that you would hear in the suspense or horror movie when the hero or heroine is about to be grabbed by the forces of evil...
When I went back East to visit, I always heard "California Dreamin'" playing in my head as I wandered among cousins and other relatives who lived in fairly small towns in obscure states I wasn't sure I wanted to be in at the time. 


There was also a voice-over narrator, and a laugh track.  There was a lot of stuff I did that got laughed at, at least in the privacy of my own brain.  Usually, I was lucky, and nobody else saw the stupid silly things I did.  I played alone a lot as a kid.

My announcer always sounded like  Gary Owens, and said things like "And now Katie is back outside with nothing much to do once again."  When I fell down (which I did a lot, having long skinny feet and no coordination), I would hear Gary Owens saying "and she's down again, let's see, yes, she's getting back up, oh!  Look at that, two skinned knees!  She keeps the world record for most scabs on knee caps  for another two weeks at least!" (There was usually laughter and applause tracks running in the background after these observations in my head.  Who was your announcer voice?  Was it serious?  Snide?  Did you hear laughs or did the sorrowful violins play for you in the privacy of your own imagination?)
I also used to hear Arte Johnson doing the "German Spy" character from Laugh In.  Usually when I was trying to make conversation with someone new, and I'd make some random observation. (I excel at non sequiturs.  My husband seems to know how I got where I end up, but nobody else has ever been able to.  One of the reasons I married him.  I don't have to explain everything.) Anyway, I'd say something, and the dreadful, awkward silence would continue, and I'd hear the Arte Johnson voice saying "Very interesting.  But pointless."

These days, I hear my own voice narrating my life.  Sometimes when I am out walking, and a good song comes on my mp3 player, and I'm feeling really good about myself, and I'm just truckin' it down that sidewalk like I'm still young and hot and all that, and I'll hear my own voice in my head saying, "Yep, there I go again.  I think I'm still hot, and I look like somebody's grandma who's going to be late for her lunch date."
Some days, I look in the mirror before I leave for work and I hear myself saying "It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's LIBRARY LADY!!"  Oh yeah.  Sensible shoes, not quite stylish clothes, sensible haircut, and Coke-bottle-bottom glasses.  Hot stuff. That's me.
Then there are the times when the voices and the sound track just shut up, because I KNOW I have the spotlight, and in a good way.  When I get up to sing at a recital, I walk up there with confidence, because I take great pains to make sure my voice and the piece I am singing are ready, and that I look GOOD.  My singing voice is not the best in the world. not by a long shot, but it's pretty damned good.  I work hard on the pieces I sing, and I think it shows when I perform.  The feeling I get when I am singing is just incredible, the sharing of that wonder, that transport, the beauty of the music, it's incredible.   Besides, my fan club  is usually there. Both of them.  The Kelleys, who are members of our Friends of the Library group come to ALL my recitals.  They are my fans.  They always tell me how well I do, and how much they enjoy the music.  It's good to have fans.  I always do my best, because hey, I can't let them down.  The voice in my head would never let me live THAT down.

So, remember, the next time you're running out the door, and everything that could possibly happen to slow you down and make you late is happening, listen to the voice over announcer, who is probably saying something like, "Let's see, she's put the coffee cup down on top of the car, will she remember to pick it up before she drives away..."